opening up

dreamt last night that it was spring.. it was febuary and there was snow still, but there were flowers and we were all so excited..
slept last night at the dishwasher's house- warm and cozy, quiet and still- walked out into the snow to start my car, then back in to floss, brush, and groom. usually i begin the day with an obnoxious sort of haste that usually involves forgetting, dropping, or breaking something- and usually i'm frustrated that i'm still late no matter what i do- this morning i sat on the toilet for a while clipping my nails, flossing my teeth with great detail, and even taking a moment to just sit and let myself wake up a bit. I got into my car- all warmed up and defrosted, and drove out of the driveway feeling present and thankful to be awake up with the sun coming up on a country road in the silence of a vermont winter morning. Suddenly, and with the same amount of intensity that is usually felt by my anxiety of being late, i was filled with thoughts of my friend stefi jo. It was like in that moment i was truly present with her for the first time in...years????
as i write this, i feel like im gazing back to this morning with a sort of love-struck look on my face- like saying, "awe, that sounds so nice..." because, honestly, the rest of this day has been hard and challenging in ways that are hard to describe... I felt worried about the food at the restaurant. I cooked with a sort of insecurity that i havent had in a while- everywhere i looked, i just saw more things that needed to be done- and felt like every task i attempted only unfolded three more tasks needing to be sorted out. Fela has two different shoes at school-Moses had a hard day at school- taxes are due tomorrow- the oven needed a #50 part but had to be delivered by a service man who charged $200 for the delivery- the tamari spilt all over the fridge- we ran out of coffee- and the dishwasher said something that triggered some old, well protected wound i had and i went spiraling into a little hurricane of fear, resentment, and doubt... i opened a bag of chips to snack on, and spilt them on the ground, went to put them in the garbage and the garbage was overflowing- infact every corner of my home is overflowing- the laundry needs to be folded, the sink is full of dishes, the floor is muddy- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

want to run
want to run and forget even trying to get a handle on anything-
i feel like poo
i feel ineffective
i feel difficult
am i making things worse?
blah blah blah..
wish i were more..

but now, this too has passed, and i'm writing (listening to the dishwasher sing in the kitchen--she's so talented), looking back at that part of my day with furrowed brows and thinking-"ahh, yes, that again.. I'll do better tomorrow". and now... now i am here again.
when the dishwasher made the plan for the evening (cook dinner, have a beer, clean the house) i asked, "what should I do?" she told me to go write in my blog... i didn't even really feel like i needed or wanted to, and somehow it's been the exact thing that has brought me into this moment.
I am working so hard to be my best- working so hard to try to figure out all of the pieces, and untangle the messes that i am hung up on- Working so hard to be honest and to speak my truth and to be brave and unselfish, and to take responsibility for my own mistakes. like toning and working young muscles, or doing yoga, i am practicing new ways of patience. I watch myself poach eggs and spread butter repetitively, and feel like i'm witnessing a miracle.. i've never been very good at repetition before.. repetition or predictability- and then, here i am, day after day, doing the same motions, yearning to learn the cycle of my restaurant, the habits of my customers, the secret to perfect cookies, broth, or crepe batter, slowly evolving with each repetition. and all the while i'm just here, doing nothing really very huge or special (the foods good, the colors are nice, but it is still just breakfast), but at the same time i'm slowly, gently, quietly, growing. hidden down here- barre street is out of the way i guess- in this little room with three or four other women, i am each day waking up, and beginning again..

so it's not spring today--and i want it so bad-
but i can wait, because it's coming soon-- i know this for sure-
and i didnt solve any big mysteries or get much insight into how all this is going to turn out,
but did nothing bad either..
no regrets today.
and i did look closely at my fear and walked right into it and right out the other side. and now dinner is ready, and with love and adoration, the dishwasher has cooked me a yummy dinner, and now its ready..
now.