going home

staring at the the blank screen..
keep erasing what ive written in hopes that the next line will come out more clearly..
after doing my thing this morning (my thing comprised of running to meet the produce delivery van at kismet, cleaning, sorting toys, and showering) i got an idea that i wanted to have an adventure... i wanted to go to my home town- it is only 20 miles or so from where i live now, but 45 minutes totally out of the way and since none of my family live there now, it is like a living photo album of other times in my life, an album i rarely reach for, but am aware of..
I got fela into the car, asked the dishwasher to come along, and drove the roads with a sort of knowing i rarely have.. my family moved a lot, we only lived in vermont for 8 years before moving to mississippi when i was 13 (on my birthday actually..), but i did return here when i was 2 years clean and returning from new zealand. I have been here as a child, but also as myself- completely unattached to anywhere or anyone else.. Ive seen these roads from my bus window as a school kid, as an adolescent with my parents on the way to softball practice, and also with myself as a 20 year old single woman looking for home and god and the meaning of life... Ive driven these roads pregnant, and with a screaming infant too. Ive driven these roads with plans to build a house, lumber, concrete, and screws. Ive driven these roads with plans to metamorphoses, to start again, to begin a new... Ive driven these roads with only a few though.. and today i drive them with a different purpose (undefinable but part of a sincere and relevant process)-aware that it will be a while before i come here again.
We turn onto my road..
there is a lot of snow that hasnt been plowed, and im scared of going into a ditch... I want to tell the dishwasher everything- about the Brooke that you cant see but that lays just on the other side of the road, want to get her to see what i see- my sister and i sledding down these hills- us walking around those ponds looking for mint and salamanders-
then i go further.. I hadnt planned on going to my house (it's on a dead end and i didnt want to be too obvious, the "new" tenants have been very kind to me in the past, but i dont want to be annoying), but then i saw that there were no tire tracks in the snow in their driveway. I pointed the car in the direction of the house and see that 1/2 of it was nearly burnt down..
there had been a fire..
i pause, then i drove the rest of the driveway and tried to point out all of my sacred special places to the dishwasher who was listening and looking with sincere and actual interest. It was weird.. there was a part of me that was needing to see that no one was there, that the house was empty and uninhabited at the moment.. I needed to go there, and feel free to go there- and as long as no one is there, i can accept whatever changes have happened over time, but it is still MY HOUSE..
i am writing all of this wishing that i could tell you more than what actually was happening on the outside.. i want to tell you the inside stuff-- make all the connections for you/me. It's so hard though...
The dishwasher's birthday is the day after tomorrow.. i promised myself as a gift.. not in the sexual sense- but in the ultimate HERE sense- like--for your birthday i will pay respect to your birth and GIVE YOU ME... so....who is me?
look!
there i am in the hills of east corinth- still walking out to the pond for a day in the water- still lifting the picture of my dad to the sky- still marveling over the different colors of the apples in the orchard- still resting and reading beneath that pine tree-
oh- and here i am
searching for my home
looking for a place that is my own
driving these roads looking for answers
scared of getting stuck
listening to and wanting your stories
aware of time
lost
and
found.
oh! and here I am..
trying to define it..
trying to encapsulate it in words.
and here
over here
i am- feeling my heart beating so fast as i turn my car and look at this house that once was mine and then was gone and now is empty- my heart is happy that it is mine again in this moment... my heart says that maybe in the spring i'll bring you back here and we'll walk these hills and i can be here again..because when i am here-then it is all real again-----i am real again---