happy new year dear.

long long days these have been..

as if i have been standing in the same room for the last five months-- I know that there is a world going on- i get big mouthful tastes of it from time to time, but in here-- in here is where i live now..

i have taken a step. not sure exactly what direction it registers, but in my mind, on a compass it is exactly center..

i have not seen sunlight in months.

i barely see my children.

i dont remember when the last time i did laundry was.

talking on the phone now is always painful.

i am hardly EVER present.

yet.

i am happy,

i think.

so proud to watch and be part of little miracles. gastronomical chemistry, to be in love amidst it all.

to be adopted by it all.

to find the words to ask for what i want.

clearly.

i enter this new year with so many questions, so many memories, so much on my plate- but aware of myself more than ever.

not enough time EVER to address the things i want to address.

but hear me now-

i am thankful.

and hopeful

and working my ass off

to believe that

eventually,

it all comes back together.

xxoo

just more

watching myself aging now.. my energy is less scattered- i feel more focused, but i look at myself and see i woman i am still longing to know..

being a girl was easy...

i stretch my shoulders back and my chest pops open... my heart is growing..

i take a shower and put all of my things in my bag- and look at my babies= children now... we touch on adolescence- everyday it get's closer... and at the same time, my own gets further away...

hot hot hot sun lately.

all day and keeps getting hotter.. i love it, but am so aware of time speeding up... how does 4 months go by so quickly, and yet, feel like a year or more? i keep trying to make more time for myself, and have been able too, but at the same (exact same) moment, i am conflicted because i feel like i am abandoning something else i have to do..

saw a video of myself and moses... HOLY #$*)*&# !! we are growing up! i looked like a woman, and he like a pre-pubescent boy.... my baby is 11! and i am now 33.... & i am lost for the words to describe how amazing and abstract all of that is..

swim today.

with sadie

and the boys

and jay

and friends...

watching myself be seen as i gently navigate through these days...

SO GOOD to have witness..

oh- hey- well then

there have been so many things on my mind lately... the earth is shifting; & so am i..

the earth is on fire- enraged- in war-- & so am I... and at the SAME TIME- the earth around me is moist and dank (& so am I) , full of spring (& so am I) and promising fear and fortune (so am I...)..

too long since i have written.

the berries grew too quickly-- it has been hard to catch up..

"i have missed you-

flame that feeds my flame.;

i have missed us;

the constance of us.

and i have worked so hard to show you

that i am good-

i am real-

i am as honest as i can

be.

i feel you moving away from me though-

like the heat of that early march sun-

now cold

(i have flannel sheets again)-

Dont ask me to stay close then drift afar-

please no

i am HERE

and really--

that is all that i can promise..

i might wake you

your golden brow

kiss your cheek, touch your edgy sleep-

or i may just wake and feel our distance.

anyway.

there are seconds here that i count....

spring will be back again- right?"

"

moving on into the new day now-

spring has been long--
& I've been making the most of it.. sun on skin at 6 am- birds singing through open windows-- sun- sixties- and scents of spring...
THEN SNOW
so big and deep and thick and .. cold.

i lay in bed yesterday listening to one phoebe singing out- and no answer..
i woke to it-
my own anxiety-
saying: ANSWER-
i thought... ANSWER-

i know that place..
suddenly i realize i that i have been calling out
& that i am waiting
for an answer too

baby birds in nests-
eggs needing to be warm
& wind
ripping through like we are on a mountain top..
country birds have to act like alpine falcons..
thus
my story.

the wind rips through me.
i hold on.
i am scared
of coldness
silence ever long.
-recognizing my own simple needs
and waiting for nature
to nurture
me.

i am a child again-
starting over in this spring of light and warmth and growth.
tender
and here

listening

comme l'eau

JUST LIKE THE WATER...
the sweetest thing ive ever known... is kisses on collar bone..

pleasure

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

just in

just got in--- tulips on the table... 7 rooms- all waiting at once.
i sit in the kitchen (my comfortable place...) and type.

TYPE

type something you long to know...

mud

i can tell it is spring
i want to change everything
my own taproot is shooting straight down towards the center of the earth.
it is raining
i am barefoot in mud.
cold
partially frozen mud.
and it feels good-

i feel the trees about to burst into flowers and leaves-
just as i feel my heart bursting with new growth.
there are living roots under my bare feet!
there is life in these sticks next to me!
aha! spring!


i have had lots of alone time.. such a relief.
i have been perfectly placed- just enough pain.. just enough effort.. just enough sacrifice.. and then
joy.

i love you/me

poopy pants

dumped.
that's how i feel.
down in the dumps-
like i have been floating between reality and fantasy for some time- maybe my whole life- and the warm air current of expectation just pushed me along- till i got to the end of the tunnel- and landed on my ass.
now i am nestled only by reality- with fantasy dancing over my head- each time i reach for it to lift me up, a wild octopus bird jellyfish unicorn slaps my hand away.

from down here i can feel the huge void in my life- in my family- like a helium balloon in my belly pushing up on my diaphragm- i cant fill it- it is full already of grief and disappointment- all i can do is just wait for it to dissipate.

it will be done

it will be done soon

this waiting will be over
these fears will subside

you will look at me and be able to see me
and i will see you

it will be done
on earth as in heaven
into one
and resolved
for now.

after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!