after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!