settling down from three months of transition.. finding myself again..getting grounded.. wish i had the skills to type as fast as i think, to write about it all, put it all together.. since our last wedding i've been trying to collect myself.. august was terrible.. and wonderful. i fell in love again and then there was that tornado i got caught in.... grilled lots of lamb in august.. mint and basil and smoked paprika and lemon zest in august.. lots of yummy yummy love in august.. then there was the move.. i tried to paint my room as fast as i could and move in real quick like before MOSES came back and tried to be as present as a i could when my dad came... hadnt seen him in a year and wanted to feed him.. had fantasies of these amazing meals i would cook for him and how we would connect, but as it was i was so busy and even when he came into the restaurant he seemed out of place and i wanted to serve him but still dont know how.. and i was sooooo busy.. then he left in the middle of the night and though we had a great night out once when he was here it still felt so charged and scary thoughts kept coming like... when will we do this again... do you see me... and....all that..
since the last wedding ( a real big one) and all those 16 hour days, i have tried to put myself together and with as much patience i have, have tried to let the lightest parts of me shine.. i want to talk about this for a minute.. it is so easy to be negative. little words(ughhhh, damn it), looks (eyebrows up, eyes wide), gestures (slamming things), moments (discomfort). So, i came into work last week and decided that no matter what i would rise and be good to myself- and those around me.. each day i have been able to find something to be in love with, and though it feels so good, it also feels like i am tripping out on something dangerous... have i ever challenged myself this way before? soberly? and then its like all day i just watch myself.. chop basil, make salad with little peaks of red grated beets beneath crisp orange carrot.. i sprinkle on those roasted tamari sunflower seeds and just let the simple perfection of it resonate like a bell.. then i turn real quick, grab the next plate and top toast with chevre and hand churned butter with the freshest most local eggs perfectly poached and drizzle on my own hollendaise sauce and the right amount of black pepper. i throw on a scant few pea greens and send that out too ... bing...another bell.. i almost dont even care if anyone really likes it.. as long as enough people come in so i can keep going because i am making music for my self.... my self... how long have i waited for this? how long will i deny myself from more??? learning boundaries... learning how to stop.. how to eat..hoe to let it all come together.. god i love my life when i let myself love it...wanna reach out and grab onto these people around me and bleed my thanks into them.. then again its also so easy to be frustrated.. is this enough, am i enough, look at how exposed i am....