grilled pork with salt and pepper

i've been feeling undercurrents of anxiety for a while now---how long? i dont know, maybe since i was 9 or 10, maybe longer. I used to have these dreams with a man and a woman arguing, only they never raised their voices, it was like monotone arguments, and i couldnt understand their words. I remember my bedroom in corinth- i want to go there these days to revisit, stand in that room where all of this started, i remember my bed, my window looking across to the barn, the smells from the kitchen underneath. These dreams where very frequent, i even had them in college, and the voices were so familiar and so irritating, i would always wake in a sweat and feel so---anxious... the woman's voice drove me especially crazy- in my sleep, i would strain to understand her- but the words would all blend together- something about not being enough- dissapointment--letting go---and for some reason it was understood that they were talking about me..
lately i have been so rocked.
i havent had these dreams in a while, but i can hear the voices anyway. WHO am I? Crystal? that picture of me in the paper scared me last week because (though I SHOULD have felt pride) i looked at it and was frightened.. I felt so completely unattracted to myself.. THe days are flying by.. whre did september go? suddenly it is lindsay's birthday- usually sucha huge event for me- and i am working all day and scrambling to get there to just cook her something.. She has had candida for a month or two, and she and her daughter have been on super restricted diets- i once shred that space, and with hesitation I grab things to bring to cook for her. She eats meat now (recently in the last year) and so i grab the last of the country style ribs from the freezer. I grab hummus, a big bag of salad greens, and fela's concoction of tomatoes.. WE gather, laugh and i even shed tears privatly over te kitchen sink, and then it isnt until today that I realize that we never even sang her happy birthday, nor did she blow out candles... Maybe we were all avoiding cake, but come-on! we could have at least brought a candle! and then I think, ok tomorrow I will bring a candle, and then I wonder, HOW? WHEN? each day is so overwhelmingly full and overflowing...
Today i talked alot about my frustrations.. Easy when it feels as big as it does now, and with blood so ready between my legs, and pain in my belly, i feel like i owe it to myself to indulge.. hearing my words today scared me.. she told me "have faith", and my reaction felt so huge and painful too.. "i do" i thought..more than you know.. Life seems like this huge and perpetual paradox right now..trusting me. lets look closer now,...

in my mind i wonder what i will make for breakfast for my boys.. will there be time for eggs? or will we skip it all together?
in my mind i am planning the morning, the week, the month, the year, the life ahead of me.. and within it i am pulled and pushed by the waves of anxiety and faith alike..
i crave meat now.. grilled pork chops with salt and pepper- i want a baked potato with loads of fresh butter and sea salt. I crave togetherness like i've had before--why does cooking food for one seem so much less apealing than cooking for others?
i fear seeming needy-and yet we're all needy -that's real..