paradox

Sitting thinking about this day…I’m ok..
Right.
Filo parcels and deals made concerning spanikopita, rabbit confit, and little sandwiches with heirloom tomatoes and what-not. Scrub dishes and sell 2$ cups of coffee.. Crepes with braised chicken and lemon infused cream, splashes of basil oil and the tiniest micro sprouts.. My life is so rich and full and gorgeous…at work I am like a little cages kitchen bird, safe behind the counter and my apron playing with food, finding fantastic colors and connecting simple flavors like a painter or like a musician- then as 3 oclock comes closer I anticipate the rest of my day and try to prepare myself for the outside world.. I am so comfortable in the kitchen, everyone and everything almost always comes together in harmony--outside I feel lost and small and like the fragile little girl I a have always been.. I come home and take stock of my fridge to cook the most important and intimate meal of the day- dinner for my family-- I stare at the items and grab the chorizo- little slice by little slice with big swallows of beer and two hours go by-- months have gone by-- big hard months- and I wonder how I ever used to feed myself.. I cook all day from this place of love and inspiration to connect and express myself to other people, then when I am alone, I stare at myself, looking, searching, feeling inlove and afraid at the same time- idont need anything, I think sometimes, and then suddenly I am so needy and feel like I have nothing…. I know these paradoxes, I ve lived between these boxes before.. Gemini.. Traveler… lover… warrior… mother…. They are all one and they all compete with each other at the same time… feel trapped.. Trapped by spanikopita and wilted salad greens and school lunches, and dinner, and black beans going bad in the fridge, and ex-partners, partners, neighbors, parents, expectations, devistations, and the constant hunger that rocks me.. I will rise tomorrow and make granola with rice milk and sprinkle on bee pollen and think about how it is possible to travel great big distances just for the queen… all for the queen.


i started today with toast and sausage for the others and with the fire alarm ringing, i woke everyone and hustled out the door.. moses missed his bus, fela couldn't find his shoes, and sara hid under the covers until we all left.. alexis was late for work so i brought the kids in and opened up- thinking, this is it, this is my life, i do this now.. and it was like the kids Knew that too.. I steamed some unsweetened soy0milk, made it all frothy and foamy, sprinkled on some cinnamon and just a drizzle of maple chocolate syrup and set them at a table while i made cofee and light of this bizzare morning.. and the thing is, is that every morning for the last 9 months has been bizzarre.. I dont even remember how the mornings used to be-- i would try and sleep asa much as i could, make breakfast for everyone and endure every-ones bad moods then send them out the door, or hide in bed as long as i could pretending not to be disturbed by their many tiny little dramas.. then my day would really begin after they had left and me and the baby would giggle and clean up after everyone and go for a big walk.. then when we opened kismet i used to get up at 4 am and go cook for the restaurant, ge back home and get everyone fed and dresse at 7 am and out the door to school, then i'd return to work to open... i'd leave alanna to scrub the floor at 4 or 5 and go home to cook dinner and fold laundrey and do homework and all of that.. I remember when spring came i was so hungry for a good dance and some good tequila and meal cooked by someone else that i felt like i could jump out of my skin.. started fantisizing about my own little life.. and now.. here it is.. the days still fly by and how different are things than before?