so much of my life has been about food... food and love.. food and family... what about when things get tricky? food is scarce or family is broken.. I remember traveling in australia and being so freaked out by the food systems there.. yes there were big buckets of organic wild passion fruit and melons bigger than my big pregnant belly, but in the grocery store i was forced to navigate my through numbers and letters and ingredients so foreign.. I didnt want to eat there.. then there is now, when in my alone time i am so uninspired to eat.. i haven't gone grocery shopping for myself yet.. maybe ever. I've always had someone else to cook for.. my sister, my Friends, my partners.. maybe i opened kismet so that i could always have food around me and always be cooking for others.. lately i want to change the menu and make crazy cool dishes.. i want to wow everyone and feel myself holding back.. I want to make little tiny bowls of french onion soup and follow them up with little mini fillet Mignon and Bearnaise sauce and tiny green beans, then follow that with little chocolate spice cakes with maple ice cream with drizzles of maple caramel... i want to serve a million little tiny dishes.. and yet i know that in this small working town everyone just wants to get the best bargain for their money, they want to be fed, and yet feel like it is food that is only just beyond what they would get somewhere else and yet still compliments what they themselves would make.. I take so much pride in sourcing our ingredients, pride in my relationship with food.. and still i am so often doubtful....why... why am i always hungry for more.. will i ever settle in? I eat bison burgers with roasted garlic and seared onions and big bright piles of kale with just a bit of raw cheddar just so i might feel a little bit stronger.. i crave pudding and cake and chocolate.. i eat bacon with really ripe tomatoes...i crave deep true full real romantic partnership..i welcome momentary companionship and all of this heightens my awareness for the member gold pure honeys of life--like that that i saw flow from the hive in Mississippi, and that i knew once...right?? or did i?

love and food.. I want to find the connection for me..

I remember my first midwife saying that when my mouth was realized and open that my birth canal would be open too.. i wonder why.. why when we kiss does my heart rush like a water fall, and between my legs feel moist with wanting?? what about when we eat food with full appreciation and savor? Are we more open to the love of this earth? If we eat sweet salty oysters, slippery little spicy bits following, are we also gently opening..? Does good food inspire love? where does this put me?