we say goodbye

sometimes saying yes is easy-
yes, i'll be there- yes, i can---but saying goodbye is always so hard- like taking big steps into the next unknown moment with a big raw open heart, i do this now... goodbye twenties--goodbye sunny day swimming in the pond--goodbye house in the woods--goodbye expectations-goodbye all sense of security... And with little weezy breaths i get pulled into each now as if i have no choice..time happens so fast now- seems like there are so many people I have lost touch with; if only i had known when we last were together- seems like there is so much still wide open and calling to me from my past, and yet the future too is all ablaze with the moaning of things to tend to.
When i left my partner of 4 years a few months ago i did so with fierce bravery and sureness.. I wanted the fights to end and didnt trust we could end them together..wanted so many things that i didnt trust i could get there.. not trusting, and trusting at the same time--trusting that leaving was the right thing to do- trust in knowing that the fights were too big, trust that things would be better...and they were.. and they are (?)(?)(?)...
right now i sit in the midst of flowers that are not mine, smelling smells that bring me back to places i long to visit agian- California as child with my grandmother and her quoy fish and ripe melons we would eat with dinner, California not so long ago-working so hard and being so hot with children in tow- but there was vanessa and sita to celebrate the joys with and dance with and cook fried beets with- new zealand and the many places i love there, the simple quinoa dinners adam and i would share in the garden, the asparagus and tahini-ginger dinners lindsay and i would giggle over, the bread i would bake at arahanui.. and mississippi too- all thick and full and deep and calling to me like a ghost. I know nothing but memories lay there, and yet i am there now too, 15 and alone on the streets looking for love and breathing in the smell of fried chicken and pork barbeque.. I am here longing as i've longed so many times before- not knowing still how to fullfill myself..i work with anxious rhythm, i love with unstoppable force and devotion, i sit, i walk, i read, and still i yearn for something that is always just beyond my reach..

forever i have wanted a restaurant..i have wanted to be published. i have wanted my own place in vermont. and now i have all of this and more..2 kids. fancy car with dark windows.. sunny summer days.. friends..health..and..........this..this deep deep feeling of fear.

i am right here, smelling the past as if it clings to my nose; writing to myself as if it could ease me, drinking beer and eating popcorn covered in sheeps cheese and pepper, breathing in smoke and roasting in the fire of my anxiety..i am waiting for someone and i hate that..when i know that it is me i am waiting for..

then..new day

so much stress..not feeling like i am enough.. missing my children and needing space at the same time.. fearing the future, unsettled with the past, angry at myself, in awe of myself, and not knowing how to communicate, ALL AT ONCE..

she says: "you are doing do much"

i say "yes, but nothing very well.."

she says : "yes you are doing well"

I say (with force and meaning) : " NO I'M NOT"

then...

like predicted

i stick the knife in deeper because it seems like i just cant even help myself..

emergancy room.

stupid hole in my hand from cutting an avocado...

wounds so real and here, in my hand...in my hand..

now i have something to work with, i suppose...something to focus on that really IS all about me..but pain is so liquid and overflows into everything..looking back i'm sure i'll see it more clearly.

chewing steak outside by the fire- i know that if i chew slowly it will bring me strength- i am so completely here i feel stuck sometimes, and though--where am I? three months ago i longed for space- a seperate life and privacy..now i have this dream and because i am dreaming i can't live it??