grilled pork with salt and pepper

i've been feeling undercurrents of anxiety for a while now---how long? i dont know, maybe since i was 9 or 10, maybe longer. I used to have these dreams with a man and a woman arguing, only they never raised their voices, it was like monotone arguments, and i couldnt understand their words. I remember my bedroom in corinth- i want to go there these days to revisit, stand in that room where all of this started, i remember my bed, my window looking across to the barn, the smells from the kitchen underneath. These dreams where very frequent, i even had them in college, and the voices were so familiar and so irritating, i would always wake in a sweat and feel so---anxious... the woman's voice drove me especially crazy- in my sleep, i would strain to understand her- but the words would all blend together- something about not being enough- dissapointment--letting go---and for some reason it was understood that they were talking about me..
lately i have been so rocked.
i havent had these dreams in a while, but i can hear the voices anyway. WHO am I? Crystal? that picture of me in the paper scared me last week because (though I SHOULD have felt pride) i looked at it and was frightened.. I felt so completely unattracted to myself.. THe days are flying by.. whre did september go? suddenly it is lindsay's birthday- usually sucha huge event for me- and i am working all day and scrambling to get there to just cook her something.. She has had candida for a month or two, and she and her daughter have been on super restricted diets- i once shred that space, and with hesitation I grab things to bring to cook for her. She eats meat now (recently in the last year) and so i grab the last of the country style ribs from the freezer. I grab hummus, a big bag of salad greens, and fela's concoction of tomatoes.. WE gather, laugh and i even shed tears privatly over te kitchen sink, and then it isnt until today that I realize that we never even sang her happy birthday, nor did she blow out candles... Maybe we were all avoiding cake, but come-on! we could have at least brought a candle! and then I think, ok tomorrow I will bring a candle, and then I wonder, HOW? WHEN? each day is so overwhelmingly full and overflowing...
Today i talked alot about my frustrations.. Easy when it feels as big as it does now, and with blood so ready between my legs, and pain in my belly, i feel like i owe it to myself to indulge.. hearing my words today scared me.. she told me "have faith", and my reaction felt so huge and painful too.. "i do" i thought..more than you know.. Life seems like this huge and perpetual paradox right now..trusting me. lets look closer now,...

in my mind i wonder what i will make for breakfast for my boys.. will there be time for eggs? or will we skip it all together?
in my mind i am planning the morning, the week, the month, the year, the life ahead of me.. and within it i am pulled and pushed by the waves of anxiety and faith alike..
i crave meat now.. grilled pork chops with salt and pepper- i want a baked potato with loads of fresh butter and sea salt. I crave togetherness like i've had before--why does cooking food for one seem so much less apealing than cooking for others?
i fear seeming needy-and yet we're all needy -that's real..

stuffed tomatoes and bacon

laying in bed this morning thinking about it= ive worked nearly 75 hours this week, ive ehardly seem ,my children, amd i'm hungry- reallt really hungry. i thought asbout rare burgers- lamb with yogurt, ripe melon, salad with avocado. i thought about cooking outside, i thought about all the picnincs ive ever had, and about all the ones i want to have. im hungry for the ocean, i'm hungrey for soft kisses and strawberries with fresh morning swim. I'm hungry for salty ceaser salad, hungry for my mom, for her back deck, for the metal scu;ptures my dad grows. amd i'm hungry hungry for the woods- for the trees the colored leaves on the ground- for the smoke from a fire. I'm hungry for a wool blanket wrapped around me- hungry for my girl- for our one-day- for the home that she will fill with music and i will fill with the smells of garlic and exotic worldly spices ive not even heard of yet.. i'm hungry-and so tired and so pulled by thoughts of bacon in the fridge downstairs- and so i pull myself out and in and up and over to the table to let juicy tomatoes fill my mouth.

red lentils

sundays at the restaurant are long and busy. Eggs benedict, crepes with braised chicken, pea sprouts and lemon cream, yogurt and granola..ham..bacon..smoked tempeh... Then suddenly we all pull it together and close up for the "weekend", and head home. Today I came home to my children and their insatiable hunger for me. I opened my fridge and, staring at the leftovers sitting in the fridge from last week's meals, wondered from which part of me i would create yet another meal.. Something comforting, something easy, something they would eat. I called them to the table and they each stared at their bowls with dissatisfied faces. Between forcing forkfuls of soft red lentils into their mouths I threaten to not give them dessert, and listen to their stories. Fela (he's three) tells me over and over again how "papa makes this at his house" and moses (he's eight) tells me with great annimation about his trip to lego land this summer and begs me to let him draw me a diagram of the rollercoasters he rode there. I half listen to both of them, i'm tire, and the red lentils feel like heavy down comforters wrapped around me, and i am fighting falling asleep. We finish and rush through 15 minutes of pajamas, teeth brushing, and negotiations about how many books we'll read, and i lay down to start with Brown Bear Brown Bear, mid-way through realizing that i'm much closer to sleep than they are. We finish our agreed readings and after kisses (many many many kisses) and glasses of water and more kisses, i shut off the light and find myself standing in the center of my kitchen staring at the stove. It looks like a place i've been before but remember being grander and feeling much more connected to. I notice that the wall above the sink looks lonely- sad and lonely- or is it me? Suddenly I'm opperating myself into the bathroom, noticing that we're out of toilet paper (i guess being the only woman in the house deams me responcible for keeping us stocked on this item), and i contemplate my new roomate. After nearly two years and the busiest summer i can remember, fin has returned to see moses. His poor planning and my new apartment have united and now my ex-husband fills my apartment with the smell of burnt salmon and sounds of australia. My toilet paper is gone and in my fridge (next to his left-over salmon jerky) is a bowl of red lentils and rice that i left for him.

just like tom thumb

when youre down in the city and its autumn too, and your gravity fails, and your negativity dont pull you through:
dont put on any airs,
theres some hungry women down there...
i cannot move, and my fingers are all in a knot...
and my best friend...her doctor wont even say what it is that she's got...


i speak good english..



let's shake hands, just come to me real soon...we'll tke our voices and howl at the moon.,,,,..



on this hill.. not what they claim...

paradox

Sitting thinking about this day…I’m ok..
Right.
Filo parcels and deals made concerning spanikopita, rabbit confit, and little sandwiches with heirloom tomatoes and what-not. Scrub dishes and sell 2$ cups of coffee.. Crepes with braised chicken and lemon infused cream, splashes of basil oil and the tiniest micro sprouts.. My life is so rich and full and gorgeous…at work I am like a little cages kitchen bird, safe behind the counter and my apron playing with food, finding fantastic colors and connecting simple flavors like a painter or like a musician- then as 3 oclock comes closer I anticipate the rest of my day and try to prepare myself for the outside world.. I am so comfortable in the kitchen, everyone and everything almost always comes together in harmony--outside I feel lost and small and like the fragile little girl I a have always been.. I come home and take stock of my fridge to cook the most important and intimate meal of the day- dinner for my family-- I stare at the items and grab the chorizo- little slice by little slice with big swallows of beer and two hours go by-- months have gone by-- big hard months- and I wonder how I ever used to feed myself.. I cook all day from this place of love and inspiration to connect and express myself to other people, then when I am alone, I stare at myself, looking, searching, feeling inlove and afraid at the same time- idont need anything, I think sometimes, and then suddenly I am so needy and feel like I have nothing…. I know these paradoxes, I ve lived between these boxes before.. Gemini.. Traveler… lover… warrior… mother…. They are all one and they all compete with each other at the same time… feel trapped.. Trapped by spanikopita and wilted salad greens and school lunches, and dinner, and black beans going bad in the fridge, and ex-partners, partners, neighbors, parents, expectations, devistations, and the constant hunger that rocks me.. I will rise tomorrow and make granola with rice milk and sprinkle on bee pollen and think about how it is possible to travel great big distances just for the queen… all for the queen.


i started today with toast and sausage for the others and with the fire alarm ringing, i woke everyone and hustled out the door.. moses missed his bus, fela couldn't find his shoes, and sara hid under the covers until we all left.. alexis was late for work so i brought the kids in and opened up- thinking, this is it, this is my life, i do this now.. and it was like the kids Knew that too.. I steamed some unsweetened soy0milk, made it all frothy and foamy, sprinkled on some cinnamon and just a drizzle of maple chocolate syrup and set them at a table while i made cofee and light of this bizzare morning.. and the thing is, is that every morning for the last 9 months has been bizzarre.. I dont even remember how the mornings used to be-- i would try and sleep asa much as i could, make breakfast for everyone and endure every-ones bad moods then send them out the door, or hide in bed as long as i could pretending not to be disturbed by their many tiny little dramas.. then my day would really begin after they had left and me and the baby would giggle and clean up after everyone and go for a big walk.. then when we opened kismet i used to get up at 4 am and go cook for the restaurant, ge back home and get everyone fed and dresse at 7 am and out the door to school, then i'd return to work to open... i'd leave alanna to scrub the floor at 4 or 5 and go home to cook dinner and fold laundrey and do homework and all of that.. I remember when spring came i was so hungry for a good dance and some good tequila and meal cooked by someone else that i felt like i could jump out of my skin.. started fantisizing about my own little life.. and now.. here it is.. the days still fly by and how different are things than before?

settling down from three months of transition.. finding myself again..getting grounded.. wish i had the skills to type as fast as i think, to write about it all, put it all together.. since our last wedding i've been trying to collect myself.. august was terrible.. and wonderful. i fell in love again and then there was that tornado i got caught in.... grilled lots of lamb in august.. mint and basil and smoked paprika and lemon zest in august.. lots of yummy yummy love in august.. then there was the move.. i tried to paint my room as fast as i could and move in real quick like before MOSES came back and tried to be as present as a i could when my dad came... hadnt seen him in a year and wanted to feed him.. had fantasies of these amazing meals i would cook for him and how we would connect, but as it was i was so busy and even when he came into the restaurant he seemed out of place and i wanted to serve him but still dont know how.. and i was sooooo busy.. then he left in the middle of the night and though we had a great night out once when he was here it still felt so charged and scary thoughts kept coming like... when will we do this again... do you see me... and....all that..
since the last wedding ( a real big one) and all those 16 hour days, i have tried to put myself together and with as much patience i have, have tried to let the lightest parts of me shine.. i want to talk about this for a minute.. it is so easy to be negative. little words(ughhhh, damn it), looks (eyebrows up, eyes wide), gestures (slamming things), moments (discomfort). So, i came into work last week and decided that no matter what i would rise and be good to myself- and those around me.. each day i have been able to find something to be in love with, and though it feels so good, it also feels like i am tripping out on something dangerous... have i ever challenged myself this way before? soberly? and then its like all day i just watch myself.. chop basil, make salad with little peaks of red grated beets beneath crisp orange carrot.. i sprinkle on those roasted tamari sunflower seeds and just let the simple perfection of it resonate like a bell.. then i turn real quick, grab the next plate and top toast with chevre and hand churned butter with the freshest most local eggs perfectly poached and drizzle on my own hollendaise sauce and the right amount of black pepper. i throw on a scant few pea greens and send that out too ... bing...another bell.. i almost dont even care if anyone really likes it.. as long as enough people come in so i can keep going because i am making music for my self.... my self... how long have i waited for this? how long will i deny myself from more??? learning boundaries... learning how to stop.. how to eat..hoe to let it all come together.. god i love my life when i let myself love it...wanna reach out and grab onto these people around me and bleed my thanks into them.. then again its also so easy to be frustrated.. is this enough, am i enough, look at how exposed i am....