we could have done better

the last few weeks I been moping around 

foolishly missing my teapot-

functional, stainless steel-

but when i saw it sitting on your new stove

in your new apartment

in the picture you posted on facebook

i knew..

i could do better.

******

the first night we kissed, 

I was overindulged & unable to drive my car.

i was in the midst of the deepest mourning of my life,

and i didnt even know it.

you took my shirt off

kissed me on your knees

looked into my eyes with fascination and desire

it felt good to be looked at like that

to be wanted

despite how much grief i was carrying.

I went home, 

slept in my jacket, on my bed without sheets.

and woke knowing what i looked like.
saw my home as it was- 
destroyed..

embarrassed, 
I knew-

I could have done better.

you asked me on a date and I accepted

feeling unusually nervous. 

i told my friends that i felt like you were going to bail-

you gave me the wrong address to your house,

i got caught in a moment of my own prediction coming true.

but then when i arrived

you had made lamb

polenta

 & bourbon

you wore that green shirt with little stripes

and asked me if i wanted a boyfriend.

i laughed;

 obviously  a NO;

went home,
keeping our date a secret.  

your attention felt nice, 

You are interesting and

i was turned on by your 

kisses-
your desire 

but your house was a mess

you had a bad reputation 

and my friends told me that i could do better.

I got you a cookbook for your birthday

chez panisse

fruit. 

we tried to make love

of course, i got pregnant.

On the day i went for the scheduled

termination

you made other plans

and i sat in the grass and wrote in my journal

all about how i wished that

i could have done better.

A whole year later

after those times you cheated on me

and broke my heart

and lied to me,

I convinced myself that trusting you

was the best medicine for our relationship.

we moved in together

and i set about “bettering” things.

like your habits

and the children’s habits

and your parenting

and your nutrition. 

and a year went by of me finding

endless amounts of things to better.

I could do better

and i would, for everyone’s sake.

In my mind,

i was problem solving,

identifying and 

mending conflicts-

marching down a path to the golden pedestal I yearned to be placed on.

i could do better, damn it

and i continued to push myself

to do just that.

I would be patient while

others broke down around me

i would be confident when others were unsure

i would be prepared,

generous, capable and able to contribute

no matter what sort of crisis I felt within or around me.

I would control myself, 

keep myself from slamming doors, 

storming out, calling names, making threats, running away.

Even when you exploded at  me

even when you told me you were done with me

i didnt believe you.

and no matter how mad i was at you

for all those times you failed to assert yourself,

for all the weirdnesses, 

the depression, the lack of communication, the lack of appreciation, 

I would have done anything you asked me to do.

“I could do better” i pleaded

then you were gone.

and now,

it’s me

in a shell of a home we made together

thinking about you

and so confused.

i feel discarded &

disrespected.
i am so angry

i want a peaceful world

a peaceful home

a partner who relishes in my strengths.
its so confusing to want you back
to still believe that you are 
who i want-
so i want you out --
knowing 
& telling myself

that

i can do better.

be well
and let go
xxoo