one day

and now

it's november

cold wet dark and... just so november

there's this eerie-ness about it- this silent sort of waiting- like everyone is secretly loving and internally celebrating how "warm" it still is, we are silent in it-- not too comfortable with it- just loving it silently- it's kind of like a slow peaceful death-- we know it is meant to be, we anticipate it coming, but we are quietly singing inside for each ray of warm sunlight.

i have been in an odd place-

somewhere between here and there

somewhere between happy and sad

a place i can only compare to a watchtower.. i am watching- watching my life span on-unfolding-children growing- white hairs forming- butt sagging- and yet, stillness... my financial situation is recovering v e r y s l o w l y

and my evolution feels minor,

and my reality feels skewed

i have been going in and out of each day and each day's little dramas, and all the while determining time marked by raina-s passing.

i remember what we had for dinner the night she died

i remember the first hour after she passed

i remember the hours of the next day

days

and these last two weeks.

i remember even yesterday as if it is a memory blended in

going to her house

going through her clothes

picking things

sitting with her mother

wanting to tell her that i didn't really want just STUFF, i wanted the freedom to remember her and know her however i wanted... i wanted to reach my hands in and scoop out the essential essence of her and make something beautiful out of it..

i wonder if i am numb

if i am trying too hard to translate this metaphor

but she keeps coming to me

and it all makes so much sense-

and everything else seems to be put into perspective..

what is this??

where is my tribe?

what am i doing besides coping?

what do i do now?

wake up

feel skin on muscle on bone

operate this heavy machine

yield

and move with grace.

and keep on trying

each day as if it were new

and keep on pushing

this body and mind

to have a breakthrough.

because i am lonely

and will always be

but still i am connected

to the sacred geometry

of

you

of you and her and him and that and this

story...

what if i stop and ask myself what i am doing?

and the answer is "i don't know?"

what if i stop and ask myself what i am feeling

and the answer is "i want to go"

what if i stop and wait for what i need

would the light burn through the fog to

shine on this seed?

until then

i will cope with dire straits

by maintaining my limited faith and

preening my self esteem and

remembering clearly all that brought me to this place.

my muscles will be strong

and i will lye down in the fear i know, knowing that i will know more

one day.