RAINA

its so hard to get on-

and BE in the moment-

MY head is heavy with thoughts--

raina

raina

QUEEN

MATEO

prince

MICHAEL ANGELO

BETH

WENDY & JOHN

it's like a story

deep sigh-

i am filled with it;

riddled.

my heart is broken

my heart is broken
I've been crying for days
i try to think of other things
but the thoughts return-the grief remains
my heart is broken
when i look at her
-broken
brain muddled, split apart, shattered, sewn shut
i see her trapped inside
i want to touch her
but she is too far away

everyone knows now
what i feared two years ago when she was diagnosed with brain cancer-
that this is forever
that this is really deep
and dark
and not like the light Raina being we knew

my heart is broken
because my fears have become true
she is here
but not able to join us
and no one really knows what
will happen next

doesn't look good
but we
believe
in
miracles..,
we believe
in love
and the queen.

Grandma-
your last message came in mid july-
i have written a couple of times, but have heard nothing.. I hope that you are ok, and that your george is recovering.
My life is overwhelmingly busy and especially so at the moment- i am ending my partnership with my business partner, expanding the restaurant, and both boys have begun school (fela is in kindergarten!!). I am doing WAY too much for one person, but at this point, really see no other way, there is really no one else but me..
I hope to have a break in november, and am looking at tickets then (not to get your hopes up, as i know i have been trying to visit for a while), but it has been TOO long, and i am ready to just figure out a way.
I wish there were words for how much i miss you. I am missing you all of the time. all of the time. i love vermont, and i love you, i wish i could have both.

i want to know everything-- EVERYTHING
have you been writing? i know at one time charles cohn was encouraging you to write your memoirs-- and i too, have been waiting for your words and all of the details for some time.. what can you tell me?

it is cooling off here now- and fall is approaching, and winter on it's way. I am not ready, and honestly, if fela's dad wasnt so committed to being here, i would move somewhere else-- somewhere warmer--- thinking of mexico.. but i do feel kind of stuck and committed here for at least the next 9 years.. seems like such a long time, but looking at moses (and even my own reflection) i know that that will fly by. At the same time, as i get older, I am seeing that time is there kind of singing--
As i wrote previously, my very close friend raina has been suffering from brain cancer for the last two years, and (in my "spare time") i have been visiting her. It is overwhelming, and intense- as you know. Last night i went to visit her, and she was speechless. It was so hard and sad to see her this way, as i felt like there was so much she wanted to tell me, and so much i wanted to know, but couldnt ask--and all day i have been thinking about her. We are only a week apart in age, her son and my moses think of each other as brothers (you met MIKE- my boyfriend years ago- he and raina birthed teo together, and i was there with them through the pregnancy and birth and these years that have passed have kept us very close). Being with raina brings so much up for me- so often i feel so tender after being with her, and unable to communicate myself, as well.
But today, i had to try again to connect with you- because i feel you with me all of the time (and my dad, victor too), and lately, really, more than ever. maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the years-- but i am longing, really deeply longing, to sit with you and see your smile..

with tears in my eyes, and 3000 miles between us-
i am sending you love like a river flowing from my heart to yours.

i need you in my life
crystal

its kind of embarrassing how many different foods i cooked today.. it;s harvest time in vermont, it's wedding time too-- we've got all sorts of odds & ends crammed in our fridge-- but- something is missing...
can you guess it?
alanna.. where are you?

hello...where are you???

i trust that no-one reads this blog by now. except you, and a couple (literally 2) other's i give this address to... so-- why have you not written?
i am almost desperate now.
dont ignore me.
i am fading
with exhaustion
from this tiring silence.
write something .

something
is better than nothing
at all.


dad-
come on- i'm missing you.