dad

dad

this is my dad-..
my birth father died when i was 3months old (when he was in his mid-late 20's) and my mom brought Terence to meet us when i was in kindergarten.. I loved him immediately- he laughed sincerely and was tall and lean and available in ways i had never know a grown man to be. he made fun of us- but in ways that we deserved- and when he and my mom got serious (after three months or so) he told her they would have to get married if they were going to stay to gather-- because (as he told me) he was getting attached to us kids and wanted us all to feel safe to be attached together-- i remember when they told us they would marry- we were staying in a winter cabin near Bradford VT and went for a hike in the winter woods.. we were a bit lost so Terence climbed a tree to look out over the snow.. it was when he came down (in my memory) that they told us they would marry. the next day we went looking for houses in they area because they had decided to marry and move to Vermont....
i was ecstatic (it took my sister some years and much convincing)- and all through the wedding planning/dress buying/packing/ and arranging, i was openly happy. SO much so that on the wedding day (after throwing daisies at all the fashionable late 70's hippy guests), i drank champagne and passed out-- the next day (still happy) searched for Easter eggs and watched the uhaul being packed in the front driveway on moss street..
over the years, as i grew and life became more complex and i began to contemplate the depths of my own story, i watched from a sort of adolescent distance as my father (as he had become) and i grew closer through music, literature, poetry, and love. I respected him - and was the only man for years that i truly thought i knew.


having children has definitely changed my relationships to my parents-- my mother whom i tortured and was tortured by became an object of admiration; and my father whom i trusted and depended on became distant and unreliable.. Over the last ten years, i have had a few conflicts with each and them together, and watched as they naturally and finally took their leave from each other. I have watched them each now for the last year as they both struggle to redefine themselves, and have suffered from their pains as they heal from the years spent unhappily together.. despite my compassion- i have sat in a sort of silence unknown to us-- i have not spoken to my "dad" in almost 2 months- he has been sick but has not talked to me about it. He has not answered my emails with any sort of clarity about promised he made to moses or to me-- the summer is nearly over and i feel shaken and sad- because for the last two months i have been mourning the loss of my dad-- again.

what happens- when the children become parents and the parents become children?