thought for a minute i could have it all.. maybe i could have all of my dreams come true at once..
utopia.
enlightenmnet.
joy.
any of those would do.
they all felt real.
now its 1 am and everone is alsleep. my phone is dead. roomservice is lame (can i cancel my order?) my bath is too hot. but i am clear (2 cocktails is not enough to phase me).
9 stories up watching it snow after 13 blocks of sleat and rain. where am i but here? not with her, just me, and a bath that is too hot.

thought we would treat ourselves to a day in montreal with food from the best places.. revisted zenya, good but not great (the tuna tartare was my fave and the avocado tempura roll slash shitake combo really really good). i wanted to keep going, wish we could have, wish it wasnt so late and i wasnt still hungry or didnt crave an adventure still.. but i still long to eat rare steak with a lover, bloddy juicy lips smiling--long for smokey mussels and tapas i will never remember the name of--want to go somehwere where the water glasses are always full and the the chef appreciates the perfection of applewood smoked salt and local organic produce- want to go from restaurant to restaurant where everyone just is so happy to serve me the most amazing food--and my dining partner is just as appreciative as i... is that too much to ask? at least could my roomservice arrive? my campanions are already asleep forgoing their fries and salad, and i am waiting for my chicken and bottled water (hotel sink water is really gross by the way), and i am alone in the bathroom thinking about all sorts of other places id like to be- like other worlds maybe- or in another body--and who am i to complain anyway? one of my best friends is asleep now after not sleeping for who knows how long after 6 weeks of chemo and radiation- ofter loosing all of her hair and facing brain cancer and steriods and brain surgery and single motherhood, and seizers, and , and, and..... here she is enjoying just a moment of sleep and all i can think about are the things i am missing (and yet secretly i am enjoying this misery....who am I here?)

can i get in my bath now? how many turkeys are in bathtubs right now thawing for their ineviatable fate awaiting them tomorrow? can i avoid roomservice (i've lost my appetite anyway)-what do i do if they knock on the door? can i not answer? i dont need factory chicken anyway.....