this time last year, i was in montreal, in a snow storm, on the top floor of a fancy hotel downtown, with Raina and Alanna, and feeling so thankful to have gotten out of the states.. I needed a break, i needed to be away, i needed that... Now today, I am the one with a 20 lb turkey in my bathtub- alanna is at home with her children, and raina--well, i think she may be in love.. i have a new house now and I am SO thankful for that. I am loving my children, and although we wont all be together on the actual day, i feel like we've been doing alot of thanks giving... we've had one day each week be pajama day- where we dont take off our pajama's all day and just read and play and eat... it's lots of fun, i've gained some weight back, and we are all really enjoying eachother..

the dishwasher lives here now, which I LOVE- and this week we got the internet (in our house) for the first time in a year and 1/2! I am so thankful to be connected to the world and to be able to be home too at the same time... i am so thankful for warmth and that heat is included in my rent- and that i can walk to work everyday... I love that my car is working and that moses can read and is teaching fela how to read too!

I am happy- and on the inside, where it counts!

then this

my dad sent me an email last week asking me to call him..

maybe something most people get every now and again, but for me, this was a first..

i really only talk on the phone with my dad randomly, or on special occasions, so i saw the email, and knew i had to call him right away- and did (event though it was only 6 am his time..)

just got off the phone with him- we've called each other a few times this week, and tonight spoke again.... my dad has decided to leave my mom, which has actually been exciting and encouraging for me except that i worry about how my mom is handling this, and feel guilty for wishing anything but the American suburban fantasy for them..

spoke with my dad tonight--he is amazing (and human still--) and told me about his newest project- which is why i am writing at all [(and to let you know too- my dad (officially my step dad, but the only dad i know), is an English professor and whom encouraged me the most to write at all- ever)], so (and yes, my punctuation still sucks because i always had him to fix it for me)he told me about his students and how, inspired by the recent political situation, he had them re-write the Declaration of Independence in modern terminology--!

I am so excited by this and cant wait to post what they wrote (with their permission of course)..

and then i think- what about that anyway? the Declaration of Independence? here is my dad leaving my mom after 25 years, here is the country contemplating leaving the bush administration after 8 years, and here am i figuring out how (still) to leave my past behind me..

yes..

i look forward to seeing what they say.. don't you?

interrogatories

i want to tell you all about it-
but i am warmed and nurtured with chicken soup and kale and feel all warm inside-- too warm to visit the cold harshness of what i actually wanted to write about..

i am in it-- that's all i'll say..
each day waking up to the reality of THIS LiFe- THIS BODY- THESE CHILDREN- THIS FINANCIAL SITUATION..
ans all around me EVERYONE is feeling it..
even touching on writing about it makes me feel off..

interrogatories..

before 2 weeks ago, i didnt event know what that word meant, let alone how to say it.. if you too have been served with these (like you who i have just served too..)--get help and really look at whos helping you..

in a war?

me too...
i have no appetite- each day feels full with muck-- and i am scared..

but of what?
and who?
and when does it all sort out?

same day/ new life

i am thirty one.

but i remember 9 so clearly..

9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 20....

last night i went to bed bleeding, with cramps and with a belly full of polenta and braised pork and a mindful of ... me.

the seasons are changing-but am i?? i see change all around me, children are getting older (fela four and 1/2 moses nine!), kismet is nearly 2 and i have moved into a new home.. damian and i went to court (which was really big and scary for all of us), and now winter is coming again.. ok, everyone knows what that means--more darkness=holidays="winter weather"..but here in vermont we know it like how i imagine folks in alaska and greenland and russia and gerany knowing it... to us-here in vermont- it means that we better get all we can and do our best before february, because february is brutal and when we say brutal, we mean it.. carrots rotting in the basement, fuel at 5 $ a gallon, long darkness, snowy icy roads, and... tourists all happy and joy full for the same snow that we are only just barely surviving...

ok, ok, it's only September, but already it feels like winter did in california or new zealand.. and i cant help but feel overwhelmed, because we are only just starting..

one of the first projects sara (the dishwasher) and i did when we moved in (after arranging the kitchen and bathroom) was arrange a lit space for the children in our new yard.. for those in common suburbia this may be common place, but for us on barre street (aka the barrio), it is a luxury that needed celebrating.. yes, we live in Vermont- perhaps one of the greatest places to raise children, but we are still poor-- i am still a single mother, and no matter what-- we dont seem to get enough time outside-- so this lit space means so much for me.. my children can go to sleep looking at it from the window and go to sleep wanting to go there in the morning knowing that it is safe, and i can (even if i am working) look out the window and see it and know that festivity is there---there somewhere..

same day..

new life.

i am inlove still.

like i have said before.

i am

my own

and am learning what that means.

i am

waiting for ease

joy

and prosperity

but for now i have this

ease,

these joys

this prosperity..

same day-new life

i love love; i fear fear

love is ripe now-- it always seems to be this time of year- and yet its always so new and fresh and bitter sour and yummy all at once..

well-

yes, for those of you who have been following, i did turn thirty-ONE a couple of weeks ago and now it seems like suddenley im older in a sort of way that is both releaving and teriffying all at once..

i talked to my theripist today for along time,

but the thing that has stuck with me after nearly two and 1/2 hours, is my relationship to myself and, well my higher self and god..

*

it's funny to say that and write it, but nothing but honest and real to feal it..

(let me speak truth and my story through my expression of my life- please. LET ME- and i say this now to all of the absolutel ones who will never read this and also speak to the absolutely true and real ones who so ever read this that LIFE IS CRAZY and yes,

bizarre and yes, \

we are all the same and yes............................ and blah blah blah,,,,)

looking back (as most do on their birthday,) , i see so many pure and misread intentions and it's so frustrating..and inspiring to try harder
i want to be seen

i want to be loved

i want to be successful

i want to use the energy of the universe

i want to give

i want to radiate

i love so well, i just want to enjoy that--no matter what.

i want balance

i want music

i want to dance

hello

again.

remember me?

i am you..

i am here, where are you

i wrote something great a minute ago-- its gone now...
love the internet..and hate it too.. or at least my expectation of it being easy..
i am here..
where are you..
this is my constant conversation with myself..
i am here..
31 now.
in love now.
scared of doing anything that could take it away.
single mom now.
getting to know myself
making my dreams come true
waking up more and more each day
to the realism
of
THIS.

happy birthday raina..
happy birthday grandma
happybirthday ket, moses, and
ME..

i love you like this..

we closed the restaurant
on february first, and i have risen everyday since very much aware of the many t hings i want and need to tend to before we re-open. some of the things are very purposeful and mundane; new passport, oil change, clean out the fridge, rennovate and paint kismet.. then there are the things i need to to because if i dont i'll feel like a looser, like write to my grandmother, and talk to my parents... then there is this other list of things--like BE PRESENT WITH RAINA, and MEET THE DISHWASHER'S FAMILY, and MAKE PEACE WITH DAMIAN....
so far i've attempted everything on the list..
spent last friday wiyth raina, sent the kids with her parents, fantasized about her birthday party, wobserved her hair growth, cooked and amazing meal, and talked until 2 in the morning.. talked about life and living through our chakras, and about pleasure and pain and giving eachother little bits of insight into old stories and saying the things we may have left out before...
more soon...

a new day

like the millions of children who yearn for and dream about christmas, I have anticipated this day with wonder and excitement...

Today we closed kismet at our usual time, but with unusual joy..it was busy today, and again we were short staffed, but instead of the monotonous chores of dishes, vacuming, and prep-work, alanna, the dishwasher, and I emptied out the fridges, made 9 (very large) doggy-bags, and turned off the fridges... With the sign on the door, and the till in my case, we closed up shop for the next 29 days (thank-you leap year)..

Even though we already celebrated our first year (only a month ago), and new year's has come and gone, I feel like it's only now that i am perched on the eve of a new year- and instead of one blissful anxiety-ridden night, I get 29 days and nights full of opportunity to manifest my visions for the next year...

what do i see?
first off--organization.. no more running through the streets trying to be 2 places at once..

i'm going to rest more and not feel guilty about it..

accept my success and live in it, rather than feel like i'm starving while stuffing my face with the occasional feast..

work hard and take care of business, while also making more time to travel to see my family, make art, and nourish myself with joyful time with my friends and children..

be prosperious, by settling old debts (owed and owed to me), letting go of the tug-of war rope that pulls but does not give..

you see; i've made this very ambitious to-do list (i'm even thinking of schedualing the whole month so I wont leave anything out), and for the last month, i have been using it as my mantra so that i can stay focussed and get all of this done- I can only imagine what that sounds like- i mean, i work really hard; then I have a month off and I'm going to plan all sorts of deep deep work so that i wont feel guilty if I just lay in bed and read all month?!! but honestly-- looking ahead a little bit, i would have reason to feel guilty-- this last year has been so incredibley intense that many parts of MY LIFE (outside of kismet) have been on hold.. I am thankful for the restaurant and the daily miracles that happen there (almost like splitting loaves for the many), and I owe my current clarity to the constant work that i do there, but it also takes up so much of my time-and will again as soon as we re-open.. so, for the next 29 days....it's all about me......

SO.................

here comes february-the coldest month-the least predictible month-

the month of mardigras and murder -the month of love and dissapointment

&

the first month in 2 years that is entirely mine...

opening up

dreamt last night that it was spring.. it was febuary and there was snow still, but there were flowers and we were all so excited..
slept last night at the dishwasher's house- warm and cozy, quiet and still- walked out into the snow to start my car, then back in to floss, brush, and groom. usually i begin the day with an obnoxious sort of haste that usually involves forgetting, dropping, or breaking something- and usually i'm frustrated that i'm still late no matter what i do- this morning i sat on the toilet for a while clipping my nails, flossing my teeth with great detail, and even taking a moment to just sit and let myself wake up a bit. I got into my car- all warmed up and defrosted, and drove out of the driveway feeling present and thankful to be awake up with the sun coming up on a country road in the silence of a vermont winter morning. Suddenly, and with the same amount of intensity that is usually felt by my anxiety of being late, i was filled with thoughts of my friend stefi jo. It was like in that moment i was truly present with her for the first time in...years????
as i write this, i feel like im gazing back to this morning with a sort of love-struck look on my face- like saying, "awe, that sounds so nice..." because, honestly, the rest of this day has been hard and challenging in ways that are hard to describe... I felt worried about the food at the restaurant. I cooked with a sort of insecurity that i havent had in a while- everywhere i looked, i just saw more things that needed to be done- and felt like every task i attempted only unfolded three more tasks needing to be sorted out. Fela has two different shoes at school-Moses had a hard day at school- taxes are due tomorrow- the oven needed a #50 part but had to be delivered by a service man who charged $200 for the delivery- the tamari spilt all over the fridge- we ran out of coffee- and the dishwasher said something that triggered some old, well protected wound i had and i went spiraling into a little hurricane of fear, resentment, and doubt... i opened a bag of chips to snack on, and spilt them on the ground, went to put them in the garbage and the garbage was overflowing- infact every corner of my home is overflowing- the laundry needs to be folded, the sink is full of dishes, the floor is muddy- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

want to run
want to run and forget even trying to get a handle on anything-
i feel like poo
i feel ineffective
i feel difficult
am i making things worse?
blah blah blah..
wish i were more..

but now, this too has passed, and i'm writing (listening to the dishwasher sing in the kitchen--she's so talented), looking back at that part of my day with furrowed brows and thinking-"ahh, yes, that again.. I'll do better tomorrow". and now... now i am here again.
when the dishwasher made the plan for the evening (cook dinner, have a beer, clean the house) i asked, "what should I do?" she told me to go write in my blog... i didn't even really feel like i needed or wanted to, and somehow it's been the exact thing that has brought me into this moment.
I am working so hard to be my best- working so hard to try to figure out all of the pieces, and untangle the messes that i am hung up on- Working so hard to be honest and to speak my truth and to be brave and unselfish, and to take responsibility for my own mistakes. like toning and working young muscles, or doing yoga, i am practicing new ways of patience. I watch myself poach eggs and spread butter repetitively, and feel like i'm witnessing a miracle.. i've never been very good at repetition before.. repetition or predictability- and then, here i am, day after day, doing the same motions, yearning to learn the cycle of my restaurant, the habits of my customers, the secret to perfect cookies, broth, or crepe batter, slowly evolving with each repetition. and all the while i'm just here, doing nothing really very huge or special (the foods good, the colors are nice, but it is still just breakfast), but at the same time i'm slowly, gently, quietly, growing. hidden down here- barre street is out of the way i guess- in this little room with three or four other women, i am each day waking up, and beginning again..

so it's not spring today--and i want it so bad-
but i can wait, because it's coming soon-- i know this for sure-
and i didnt solve any big mysteries or get much insight into how all this is going to turn out,
but did nothing bad either..
no regrets today.
and i did look closely at my fear and walked right into it and right out the other side. and now dinner is ready, and with love and adoration, the dishwasher has cooked me a yummy dinner, and now its ready..
now.

sometimes things are eerie..
i havent been able to hear out of my right ear since october..
i stopped eating dairy for a month and have gone to the doctor, tried a few antibiotics, tried the hot onion, garlic and mullen oil, olive and garlic oil, and tried hot and cold compresses, .. ive dug through my deeper thoughts and emotions trying to discover the truths ive not been wanting to "hear"-and ive listened intently and searched patiently for the hidden meanings of each conversation-ive heard my own voice trapped inside my head and gotten used to it-- like being near sighted, having narrow hearing has it's benefits--
sure, i can put glasses on when i want to drive- and i can focus on my hands when i dont want to be distracted by the goings on twenty feet away. I appreciate things close at hand- and am distracted by things in the distance-
my new mantra, perhaps?

i

appreciate

things close at hand

and

am distracted

by

things

in the distance.

this moment-

the best indeed.... and yet impossible to enjoy while holding thoughts of the present or the past..

my voice- so valid and real-

worth hearing..

i am am worth hearing...

there's a part of me that sees this medical dilemma (it is a bit worrisome that i cant hear out of my right ear) as a gift- i can hear myself and also feel trapped within me. Which are both good things- there was a long while that i didnt really listen to myself- and to feel trapped is the exact sensation i had stopped myself from feeling before- i held myself back from feeling alot of things--except anxiety- (anxiety always finds me when i'm most vulnerable..) i am seeing now that feeling trapped is exactly what gives me anxiety... and if i'm not letting myself feel the sensations of truly knowing the difference between living a free life and living as a prisoner- how how will i ever really be free? i have to feel these things out...out of the darkness.. out of fear.... out of poverty.... out of insecurity.... out of weaknesses.... out of disease.... out of exhaustion.... have to feel my way into the light, loving, rich, strong, healthy, rested, state of being myself.