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winter feels endless... i cooked chicken again- fela will eat it joyfully, and moses will do his best- and its windy- 25degrees and there is 3 feet of snow in our yard..- the picture above was actually taken three months ago-- when winter was fresh and new- and here we are, one month from "spring" and we have more snow than you can imagine... in the above photo there is only 1 and 1/2 feet-- we now have twice that...

but, in our own world's bubble, it is the end of february, which means, that INEVITABLEY<>

took sara to the traint oday so she could head to nyc.. the tracks were covered with snow, the train broke down, but still she left-- good for her, it's hard to get away... and in her abscence., i realize that mystic that i know to be travel- and how distant she is to me... sara has made it to nyc, despite the weather, and i am here, recovering from my own journey.

this last week, i left the restaurant for connecticut..

My grandmother (ne-ne) died on sunday and so on thursday am i left in a snow storm for stonington/westerly/pawcatuck.. in many ways the event was a miricle. I have not been to her home in 6 years, and I have not left vermont since july- and in fact, i have not traveled on my own (without accompaniment) since 2008-- since before moses (he will be ten this year)- so just getting in the car on my own was a big deal.. I brought water, vermont ginseng, and npr-- and talked with friends i havent spoken with in a long time.. i was anxious when i left- raina had had brain surgery on sunday too, and i hadnt heard from her family since then--so i left vermont wondering what i would come back to-

the trip was intense- a typical protestant funeral with all of the fixings- and the first funeral i have been to since my grandfathers when i was 14. I loved seeing my family again- loved seeing my sister in this element, loved reconnecting with members that i have held in the memory section of my brain (fixed and steady-but kind of fictionary)- and i loved being away-- but at the same time, it was so intense-- intense to see parts of the family that have changed-- as well as those that have not-- i am rambling now- and not really saying what i mean.

i loved seeing my cousins-- i realize now that cousins are like extended siblings- i love them like siblings, but have more autonomy with them-- and the same for uncles and aunts-- they are like parents (they were like that when i was a kid), and yet like strangers too..

i came back to vermont with a car full of fish, and a desire to cary the experiance full circle, and i returned to the restaurant with a sort of tender open longing to know what to do-- and still doing what i know-- i served eggs bene ontop of ne-ne's favorite stuffed scallops, and finnan haddie omelettes- and i talked about her all weekend long-- and then i looked around and wondered-- what is this space? where am I? what is this life?-- maybe standing next to an open cascket will do that to a person- or maybe it was seeing the house i grew up in (where i first ever made mac n cheee on my own at age 7-- and where my parents got married and i saw my mom turn a watermellon into a swan-- and where i first ever drank too much champagne---) the house i walked to when i broke my collar bone- the first door i ever unlocked; the place where many of my first memories come from--

yes- i grew up on a street of white houses-- yet mine was golden stucko---so it is..

i want so badly to have the words to describe

the longing

to fit in

my desire

to ease gracefully

into a sort of success i imagined

there.

i want to know how to

tell

about how i have missed

those days

learning how to be

free-

when i was taught how to swim on the beach in stonnington,

to tie the knots for the lobster traps in the tv room,

when I grew up and you all watched-

i am here now remembering

and longing

to express

my thanks and appreciation-
can my work be enough?

its february-

in vermont

and if you dont know what that means..

let me describe it=(its the opposite of this picture.)

dodgy weather

cold, white. fearful people

ice mounds and icicles. and ice blocks, and frost heaves..

but also it is a time for

buying seeds, planning gardens.

starting the network for new projects, and taking good care of ourselves...

just amidst the february frost and depletion of sunlight and money....

alright- if you live in vermont you probubley expect to get through february by existing in a certain state of denial-- i appreciate that-- but i also believe in collective conciousness= so= while the rest of the country (world) is bracing itself for economic and energetic negativity, we in vermont IN FEBRUARY already KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS>.. and we DO IT EVERY YEAR! we base our business on it- we organize around it, we try to make peace with it, we try to deny it, and we eventually, we GET THROUGH IT...

i was ready to do what needed to be done this winter.. i moved into a warm and spacious apartment with my best friend and lovey and put my nose down to focus on spring-- i mean, it happens too quickly anyway- so i thought, i will focus on spring all winter and be in winter, but be focusing on spring and i will SURVIVE and be ready when it happens (because, if you live in vermont, hardly ANYONE is ready for spring when it happens--- it just sort of sneaks up and grabs you and starts dripping like a cold, but WAYYYY BETTER)-- but what has Actually happening, is that i have been consumed by the waiting-- i have taken too much on for summer, and already my summer is booked! i am so excited for spring yet now- the only way i am really present in winter is be being exhausted... i pass out each night and awake feeling sleepless, i am edgy, but kind of stodgy, and i am quick to jump but slow to move....

wow..

what will happen when spring does come? will i come too? will the early morning frighten or excite me? i wanted to emerge like a flowing river, like a dove from a cage, like a dandelion from the soil--but maybe i will actually explode like a flood.... or a volcano..or....... a jackpot roll on the king slots in Vegas?????

who knows..

what we do know is that i have been edgy... and jumpy and then suddenly silent.. like the sap that slightly moves in the maple tree veins... (we all need it to flow, but cant make it happen... just have to wait and appreciate...)

i am like a song that wants to be written..

a hunk of tough meat wanting to be braised..

i question that wants to be answered..

a mistake that wants to be fixed..

i am like a bird feeder without the birds...waiting

i am like a memory within a memory within a poem

i am like you

and you

and you

and i am as if i am

lost

but knowing

making it up as i go

tasting like a hound dog

the grounds before i enter..

but i am also like the souffle that doesn't rise-

disappointed and confused

let down

but still hopeful... (i am only eggs).

And then

i am again

like i was that night in Montreal

thinking of my grandmother

my fathers

my mother

and her lobsters

my lovers

my children

my dreams

and .........

here.

like

a fight that wants to end in a kiss

then this

my dad sent me an email last week asking me to call him..

maybe something most people get every now and again, but for me, this was a first..

i really only talk on the phone with my dad randomly, or on special occasions, so i saw the email, and knew i had to call him right away- and did (event though it was only 6 am his time..)

just got off the phone with him- we've called each other a few times this week, and tonight spoke again.... my dad has decided to leave my mom, which has actually been exciting and encouraging for me except that i worry about how my mom is handling this, and feel guilty for wishing anything but the American suburban fantasy for them..

spoke with my dad tonight--he is amazing (and human still--) and told me about his newest project- which is why i am writing at all [(and to let you know too- my dad (officially my step dad, but the only dad i know), is an English professor and whom encouraged me the most to write at all- ever)], so (and yes, my punctuation still sucks because i always had him to fix it for me)he told me about his students and how, inspired by the recent political situation, he had them re-write the Declaration of Independence in modern terminology--!

I am so excited by this and cant wait to post what they wrote (with their permission of course)..

and then i think- what about that anyway? the Declaration of Independence? here is my dad leaving my mom after 25 years, here is the country contemplating leaving the bush administration after 8 years, and here am i figuring out how (still) to leave my past behind me..

yes..

i look forward to seeing what they say.. don't you?

i love you like this..

we closed the restaurant
on february first, and i have risen everyday since very much aware of the many t hings i want and need to tend to before we re-open. some of the things are very purposeful and mundane; new passport, oil change, clean out the fridge, rennovate and paint kismet.. then there are the things i need to to because if i dont i'll feel like a looser, like write to my grandmother, and talk to my parents... then there is this other list of things--like BE PRESENT WITH RAINA, and MEET THE DISHWASHER'S FAMILY, and MAKE PEACE WITH DAMIAN....
so far i've attempted everything on the list..
spent last friday wiyth raina, sent the kids with her parents, fantasized about her birthday party, wobserved her hair growth, cooked and amazing meal, and talked until 2 in the morning.. talked about life and living through our chakras, and about pleasure and pain and giving eachother little bits of insight into old stories and saying the things we may have left out before...
more soon...