its february-

in vermont

and if you dont know what that means..

let me describe it=(its the opposite of this picture.)

dodgy weather

cold, white. fearful people

ice mounds and icicles. and ice blocks, and frost heaves..

but also it is a time for

buying seeds, planning gardens.

starting the network for new projects, and taking good care of ourselves...

just amidst the february frost and depletion of sunlight and money....

alright- if you live in vermont you probubley expect to get through february by existing in a certain state of denial-- i appreciate that-- but i also believe in collective conciousness= so= while the rest of the country (world) is bracing itself for economic and energetic negativity, we in vermont IN FEBRUARY already KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS>.. and we DO IT EVERY YEAR! we base our business on it- we organize around it, we try to make peace with it, we try to deny it, and we eventually, we GET THROUGH IT...

i was ready to do what needed to be done this winter.. i moved into a warm and spacious apartment with my best friend and lovey and put my nose down to focus on spring-- i mean, it happens too quickly anyway- so i thought, i will focus on spring all winter and be in winter, but be focusing on spring and i will SURVIVE and be ready when it happens (because, if you live in vermont, hardly ANYONE is ready for spring when it happens--- it just sort of sneaks up and grabs you and starts dripping like a cold, but WAYYYY BETTER)-- but what has Actually happening, is that i have been consumed by the waiting-- i have taken too much on for summer, and already my summer is booked! i am so excited for spring yet now- the only way i am really present in winter is be being exhausted... i pass out each night and awake feeling sleepless, i am edgy, but kind of stodgy, and i am quick to jump but slow to move....

wow..

what will happen when spring does come? will i come too? will the early morning frighten or excite me? i wanted to emerge like a flowing river, like a dove from a cage, like a dandelion from the soil--but maybe i will actually explode like a flood.... or a volcano..or....... a jackpot roll on the king slots in Vegas?????

who knows..

what we do know is that i have been edgy... and jumpy and then suddenly silent.. like the sap that slightly moves in the maple tree veins... (we all need it to flow, but cant make it happen... just have to wait and appreciate...)

i am like a song that wants to be written..

a hunk of tough meat wanting to be braised..

i question that wants to be answered..

a mistake that wants to be fixed..

i am like a bird feeder without the birds...waiting

i am like a memory within a memory within a poem

i am like you

and you

and you

and i am as if i am

lost

but knowing

making it up as i go

tasting like a hound dog

the grounds before i enter..

but i am also like the souffle that doesn't rise-

disappointed and confused

let down

but still hopeful... (i am only eggs).

And then

i am again

like i was that night in Montreal

thinking of my grandmother

my fathers

my mother

and her lobsters

my lovers

my children

my dreams

and .........

here.

like

a fight that wants to end in a kiss

interrogatories

i want to tell you all about it-
but i am warmed and nurtured with chicken soup and kale and feel all warm inside-- too warm to visit the cold harshness of what i actually wanted to write about..

i am in it-- that's all i'll say..
each day waking up to the reality of THIS LiFe- THIS BODY- THESE CHILDREN- THIS FINANCIAL SITUATION..
ans all around me EVERYONE is feeling it..
even touching on writing about it makes me feel off..

interrogatories..

before 2 weeks ago, i didnt event know what that word meant, let alone how to say it.. if you too have been served with these (like you who i have just served too..)--get help and really look at whos helping you..

in a war?

me too...
i have no appetite- each day feels full with muck-- and i am scared..

but of what?
and who?
and when does it all sort out?

i love you like this..

we closed the restaurant
on february first, and i have risen everyday since very much aware of the many t hings i want and need to tend to before we re-open. some of the things are very purposeful and mundane; new passport, oil change, clean out the fridge, rennovate and paint kismet.. then there are the things i need to to because if i dont i'll feel like a looser, like write to my grandmother, and talk to my parents... then there is this other list of things--like BE PRESENT WITH RAINA, and MEET THE DISHWASHER'S FAMILY, and MAKE PEACE WITH DAMIAN....
so far i've attempted everything on the list..
spent last friday wiyth raina, sent the kids with her parents, fantasized about her birthday party, wobserved her hair growth, cooked and amazing meal, and talked until 2 in the morning.. talked about life and living through our chakras, and about pleasure and pain and giving eachother little bits of insight into old stories and saying the things we may have left out before...
more soon...