i love you--but

it has been over a month since i spoke with my parents-

i live across the country from them and have been pretty self sufficient since i was 15.. but this silence bothers me.

i have given both my parents my blog address- nearly 2 years ago- thinking that if i wrote here, freely, it would give them (and everyone else who wanted to know) an opportunity to read and comment.. but there is still silence.



there may have been a time that silence was comforting- a bit of a relief, maybe- but with this year going as it has been, i feel a bit isolated and abandoned in this silence..



here we are..

each

alone

ofcourse we have no way of knowing how connected we really are unless we completely embody connection--

and do i?



still asking--- who is my dad?

who is my mom?

who is this guy who was my dad?

who am I?

what is this?

when will i know?

when is it too late?







my children are growing

i am their family-



i'm scared sometimes

because

i know

i'm just not enough---



dad..

mom..

where are you?

mom dad,

the days are moving quickly now-- and then, it will be another new year..
beside me in the photo is Raina-cute and sweet and silly- and there is me--skinny, tinny and suddenly aging-
but alas- this photo was from LAST YEAR, and more has passed..
i work all of the time (i am writing this blog at 2 am, after having woken at 6 am -yesterday?) it's kind of like driving cross country non-stop (which we do from time to time in our youth) only i don't feel like i really got anywhere..
ok.
crystal.
make it come together.
heal

get close

ground

summer in vermont in 2009 is kind of like having to pretend that we live somewhere else (while still living here)- like Seattle--or,,-----------washington oregon- or------------------ even in another hemisphere (it's like winter in new zealand right now..!)--
what will happen next?

click here

click here...

sei la vei

and then there is this..
32

12:15 am on Sunday night--
door slams and after everything-- this is it. this day--comes to THIS--
ahhhhh- but what is THIS?

mama says: do your best-- mama says "don't get sucked in to fear"

but this mama
this mama
is so scared...
she who walks out first.... wins?
looses?

32
mystery opening.
naked girls at the bar drinking tea (or coffee?)...
man who wants to fly

i am that man---
i am those girls-

naked,
crazy
exposed
open
and invisible--


and where are you???


my grandmother-
my father--
my partner--
my mother--
my SELF




ok
lets end open
happy
free

lets be us
like children
totally blank canvas
pink on green

i am yours to imagine..
but too i am scooping poop out of cracks-
such is life...

its been too long- too much to say

love

vermont spring

love

silent dawn

"it's ok" i tell myself, to wake up this early0 and I wake-

alive and aware

and raw still from the day before

and then,

after watching it from my window, and breathing it all in (from my open window),

i go back to sleep- content and full

as iff

i just ate thanksgiving dinner-

and then

i oversleep my alarm..

poop

i throw clothes on

i open the door

and

YES

spring is waiting.

this is why california, mississippi, new zealand, australia, massachusettes and arizona couldnt keep me--

THIS is the reason to be alive-

children are happier here-

music is free-er here

food tastes better here (ofcourse)

and this-

to me

is home

skin my knee, skinny me

its windy outside, and it's been way too long since ive written here... roast chicken and potatoes (again), but yearning for avocado salad and ... elementary school(?)..
wow-- the wind reminds me of the sea- i want to travel, i want for things to change, and be like how i thought they would be .. i know where the keys are, i know the flavors of spring, i remember my youth, and yet.. ultimately, I am HERE feeding roasted chicken to my children (me--- a mom?) AGAIN as we all yearn and wish and wait for it to come..
so much change in my life though, outside of what you might see looking in my window- so much that it is terrifying.. I am overwhelmed and still here, waiting for something within me to evolve. I keep reading and keep watching, and keep seeing myself re-act.. i am a slave to my ego-- it's crazy. i'm a slave to my children-- and i am an only part-way conscious being... i want more

more
more time to see raina- and teo
more time to make love and bask in this love that i have finally created
more money
money for mexico
money for ideas
money to get three or four pairs of shoes for my children
money to change the world for someone who has no money-
and i want joy..............
joy like the knowing (without doubt)
joy like the being (without fear)
joy like the making (without attachment).
i want the joy around me like the sun in the morning on my face-- though i squint and duck-
joy like today on the sidewalk on elm st.-- like it is in the summer.
i want more.


but i have this.
my love
my want
my fear
my hope
my perspective.


i have roast chicken leftovers in the fridge downstairs (soup tomorrow)
i have books to read (one day)
i have work to do.

i have me.

______________________________________________

ROAST CHICKEN FOR MARCH 11 (but feels like February 2)

• finish work at 3:30
• grab whole free range chicken ($12.00) from fridge and rinse clean
• prepare chicken in the roasting pan (drizzle with oil, lemon juice, left-over home-made enchilada sauce or what-ever, dust evenly with salt and pepper)
• dice 3 large local potatoes and throw in the pan around the chicken (drizzle with oil)
• put in oven (uncovered) on 280 degrees and leave
• drive to therapy (watch as it unfolds)
• drive to pick up youngest child (watch at it unfolds!)
• make errands
• get home, help eldest with homework
• 6:00-- turn chicken up to 350 degrees for 15 minutes to crisp skin
• turn off oven- listen to children fight, but guide them gently towards the bathroom to wash their hands for dinner
• 6:20 carve chicken (youngest likes the leg--adults get the breast in our house)
• let cool on plate 10 min. while making sure hands are clean
• drizzle meat and potatoes with pan sauce
• add steamed cualiflowers and kale to plates (or something green)

thats it....

winter feels endless... i cooked chicken again- fela will eat it joyfully, and moses will do his best- and its windy- 25degrees and there is 3 feet of snow in our yard..- the picture above was actually taken three months ago-- when winter was fresh and new- and here we are, one month from "spring" and we have more snow than you can imagine... in the above photo there is only 1 and 1/2 feet-- we now have twice that...

but, in our own world's bubble, it is the end of february, which means, that INEVITABLEY<>

took sara to the traint oday so she could head to nyc.. the tracks were covered with snow, the train broke down, but still she left-- good for her, it's hard to get away... and in her abscence., i realize that mystic that i know to be travel- and how distant she is to me... sara has made it to nyc, despite the weather, and i am here, recovering from my own journey.

this last week, i left the restaurant for connecticut..

My grandmother (ne-ne) died on sunday and so on thursday am i left in a snow storm for stonington/westerly/pawcatuck.. in many ways the event was a miricle. I have not been to her home in 6 years, and I have not left vermont since july- and in fact, i have not traveled on my own (without accompaniment) since 2008-- since before moses (he will be ten this year)- so just getting in the car on my own was a big deal.. I brought water, vermont ginseng, and npr-- and talked with friends i havent spoken with in a long time.. i was anxious when i left- raina had had brain surgery on sunday too, and i hadnt heard from her family since then--so i left vermont wondering what i would come back to-

the trip was intense- a typical protestant funeral with all of the fixings- and the first funeral i have been to since my grandfathers when i was 14. I loved seeing my family again- loved seeing my sister in this element, loved reconnecting with members that i have held in the memory section of my brain (fixed and steady-but kind of fictionary)- and i loved being away-- but at the same time, it was so intense-- intense to see parts of the family that have changed-- as well as those that have not-- i am rambling now- and not really saying what i mean.

i loved seeing my cousins-- i realize now that cousins are like extended siblings- i love them like siblings, but have more autonomy with them-- and the same for uncles and aunts-- they are like parents (they were like that when i was a kid), and yet like strangers too..

i came back to vermont with a car full of fish, and a desire to cary the experiance full circle, and i returned to the restaurant with a sort of tender open longing to know what to do-- and still doing what i know-- i served eggs bene ontop of ne-ne's favorite stuffed scallops, and finnan haddie omelettes- and i talked about her all weekend long-- and then i looked around and wondered-- what is this space? where am I? what is this life?-- maybe standing next to an open cascket will do that to a person- or maybe it was seeing the house i grew up in (where i first ever made mac n cheee on my own at age 7-- and where my parents got married and i saw my mom turn a watermellon into a swan-- and where i first ever drank too much champagne---) the house i walked to when i broke my collar bone- the first door i ever unlocked; the place where many of my first memories come from--

yes- i grew up on a street of white houses-- yet mine was golden stucko---so it is..

i want so badly to have the words to describe

the longing

to fit in

my desire

to ease gracefully

into a sort of success i imagined

there.

i want to know how to

tell

about how i have missed

those days

learning how to be

free-

when i was taught how to swim on the beach in stonnington,

to tie the knots for the lobster traps in the tv room,

when I grew up and you all watched-

i am here now remembering

and longing

to express

my thanks and appreciation-
can my work be enough?

its february-

in vermont

and if you dont know what that means..

let me describe it=(its the opposite of this picture.)

dodgy weather

cold, white. fearful people

ice mounds and icicles. and ice blocks, and frost heaves..

but also it is a time for

buying seeds, planning gardens.

starting the network for new projects, and taking good care of ourselves...

just amidst the february frost and depletion of sunlight and money....

alright- if you live in vermont you probubley expect to get through february by existing in a certain state of denial-- i appreciate that-- but i also believe in collective conciousness= so= while the rest of the country (world) is bracing itself for economic and energetic negativity, we in vermont IN FEBRUARY already KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS>.. and we DO IT EVERY YEAR! we base our business on it- we organize around it, we try to make peace with it, we try to deny it, and we eventually, we GET THROUGH IT...

i was ready to do what needed to be done this winter.. i moved into a warm and spacious apartment with my best friend and lovey and put my nose down to focus on spring-- i mean, it happens too quickly anyway- so i thought, i will focus on spring all winter and be in winter, but be focusing on spring and i will SURVIVE and be ready when it happens (because, if you live in vermont, hardly ANYONE is ready for spring when it happens--- it just sort of sneaks up and grabs you and starts dripping like a cold, but WAYYYY BETTER)-- but what has Actually happening, is that i have been consumed by the waiting-- i have taken too much on for summer, and already my summer is booked! i am so excited for spring yet now- the only way i am really present in winter is be being exhausted... i pass out each night and awake feeling sleepless, i am edgy, but kind of stodgy, and i am quick to jump but slow to move....

wow..

what will happen when spring does come? will i come too? will the early morning frighten or excite me? i wanted to emerge like a flowing river, like a dove from a cage, like a dandelion from the soil--but maybe i will actually explode like a flood.... or a volcano..or....... a jackpot roll on the king slots in Vegas?????

who knows..

what we do know is that i have been edgy... and jumpy and then suddenly silent.. like the sap that slightly moves in the maple tree veins... (we all need it to flow, but cant make it happen... just have to wait and appreciate...)

i am like a song that wants to be written..

a hunk of tough meat wanting to be braised..

i question that wants to be answered..

a mistake that wants to be fixed..

i am like a bird feeder without the birds...waiting

i am like a memory within a memory within a poem

i am like you

and you

and you

and i am as if i am

lost

but knowing

making it up as i go

tasting like a hound dog

the grounds before i enter..

but i am also like the souffle that doesn't rise-

disappointed and confused

let down

but still hopeful... (i am only eggs).

And then

i am again

like i was that night in Montreal

thinking of my grandmother

my fathers

my mother

and her lobsters

my lovers

my children

my dreams

and .........

here.

like

a fight that wants to end in a kiss

this time last year, i was in montreal, in a snow storm, on the top floor of a fancy hotel downtown, with Raina and Alanna, and feeling so thankful to have gotten out of the states.. I needed a break, i needed to be away, i needed that... Now today, I am the one with a 20 lb turkey in my bathtub- alanna is at home with her children, and raina--well, i think she may be in love.. i have a new house now and I am SO thankful for that. I am loving my children, and although we wont all be together on the actual day, i feel like we've been doing alot of thanks giving... we've had one day each week be pajama day- where we dont take off our pajama's all day and just read and play and eat... it's lots of fun, i've gained some weight back, and we are all really enjoying eachother..

the dishwasher lives here now, which I LOVE- and this week we got the internet (in our house) for the first time in a year and 1/2! I am so thankful to be connected to the world and to be able to be home too at the same time... i am so thankful for warmth and that heat is included in my rent- and that i can walk to work everyday... I love that my car is working and that moses can read and is teaching fela how to read too!

I am happy- and on the inside, where it counts!