ok.

it was in the midst of a tiny moment that i realized that i occupy 2 of the most challenging careers.. single mother of 2 with 2 separate dads, and untrained chef restaurant owner..

oops. guess someone was a little ambitious...

so far.

in this moment, there is nothing more that i crave than a room to myself- fresh air, sunlight, warm with the breeze of fresh quiche, and filled with the thankfulness of knowing all is in order.

family close.

house a home.

joy.

feeling pretty low- steeping in the marrow of memories. one year ago- where were we then? saying hello- saying goodbye

one year.

one year. can be so little in hind sight, but a year- a whole year- awake, pushing, working, changing- yet, it is suddenly so much.. and like so many other times, i am in awe.

Synchronisity.

memories.

dreams.

spring is on its way.

i am so incredibly nostalgic- all of the years are lined up and stacked up and the energy is multiplied.

lucky me.

happy new year dear.

long long days these have been..

as if i have been standing in the same room for the last five months-- I know that there is a world going on- i get big mouthful tastes of it from time to time, but in here-- in here is where i live now..

i have taken a step. not sure exactly what direction it registers, but in my mind, on a compass it is exactly center..

i have not seen sunlight in months.

i barely see my children.

i dont remember when the last time i did laundry was.

talking on the phone now is always painful.

i am hardly EVER present.

yet.

i am happy,

i think.

so proud to watch and be part of little miracles. gastronomical chemistry, to be in love amidst it all.

to be adopted by it all.

to find the words to ask for what i want.

clearly.

i enter this new year with so many questions, so many memories, so much on my plate- but aware of myself more than ever.

not enough time EVER to address the things i want to address.

but hear me now-

i am thankful.

and hopeful

and working my ass off

to believe that

eventually,

it all comes back together.

xxoo

just more

watching myself aging now.. my energy is less scattered- i feel more focused, but i look at myself and see i woman i am still longing to know..

being a girl was easy...

i stretch my shoulders back and my chest pops open... my heart is growing..

i take a shower and put all of my things in my bag- and look at my babies= children now... we touch on adolescence- everyday it get's closer... and at the same time, my own gets further away...

hot hot hot sun lately.

all day and keeps getting hotter.. i love it, but am so aware of time speeding up... how does 4 months go by so quickly, and yet, feel like a year or more? i keep trying to make more time for myself, and have been able too, but at the same (exact same) moment, i am conflicted because i feel like i am abandoning something else i have to do..

saw a video of myself and moses... HOLY #$*)*&# !! we are growing up! i looked like a woman, and he like a pre-pubescent boy.... my baby is 11! and i am now 33.... & i am lost for the words to describe how amazing and abstract all of that is..

swim today.

with sadie

and the boys

and jay

and friends...

watching myself be seen as i gently navigate through these days...

SO GOOD to have witness..

oh- hey- well then

there have been so many things on my mind lately... the earth is shifting; & so am i..

the earth is on fire- enraged- in war-- & so am I... and at the SAME TIME- the earth around me is moist and dank (& so am I) , full of spring (& so am I) and promising fear and fortune (so am I...)..

too long since i have written.

the berries grew too quickly-- it has been hard to catch up..

"i have missed you-

flame that feeds my flame.;

i have missed us;

the constance of us.

and i have worked so hard to show you

that i am good-

i am real-

i am as honest as i can

be.

i feel you moving away from me though-

like the heat of that early march sun-

now cold

(i have flannel sheets again)-

Dont ask me to stay close then drift afar-

please no

i am HERE

and really--

that is all that i can promise..

i might wake you

your golden brow

kiss your cheek, touch your edgy sleep-

or i may just wake and feel our distance.

anyway.

there are seconds here that i count....

spring will be back again- right?"

"

moving on into the new day now-

spring has been long--
& I've been making the most of it.. sun on skin at 6 am- birds singing through open windows-- sun- sixties- and scents of spring...
THEN SNOW
so big and deep and thick and .. cold.

i lay in bed yesterday listening to one phoebe singing out- and no answer..
i woke to it-
my own anxiety-
saying: ANSWER-
i thought... ANSWER-

i know that place..
suddenly i realize i that i have been calling out
& that i am waiting
for an answer too

baby birds in nests-
eggs needing to be warm
& wind
ripping through like we are on a mountain top..
country birds have to act like alpine falcons..
thus
my story.

the wind rips through me.
i hold on.
i am scared
of coldness
silence ever long.
-recognizing my own simple needs
and waiting for nature
to nurture
me.

i am a child again-
starting over in this spring of light and warmth and growth.
tender
and here

listening

comme l'eau

JUST LIKE THE WATER...
the sweetest thing ive ever known... is kisses on collar bone..

pleasure

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

just in

just got in--- tulips on the table... 7 rooms- all waiting at once.
i sit in the kitchen (my comfortable place...) and type.

TYPE

type something you long to know...

mud

i can tell it is spring
i want to change everything
my own taproot is shooting straight down towards the center of the earth.
it is raining
i am barefoot in mud.
cold
partially frozen mud.
and it feels good-

i feel the trees about to burst into flowers and leaves-
just as i feel my heart bursting with new growth.
there are living roots under my bare feet!
there is life in these sticks next to me!
aha! spring!


i have had lots of alone time.. such a relief.
i have been perfectly placed- just enough pain.. just enough effort.. just enough sacrifice.. and then
joy.

i love you/me