she's gone

it's been dark, cold and rainy for more than a week- but today the sun came out, it was almost 60 and it felt like spring- and then, as if she was waiting for a break in the clouds, she slipped out of the cells of her own body and floated away..
safe travels raina star..
i love you

transition

moving into winter--reluctantly- hesitantly- but resolved.

days spent thinking of Raina- in her hospital bed in h er room at home- her mother there tending to her as her new born.. her family and friends all busy being there-- and then me trying to be helpful and present, gathering memories for teo and mike and for them all. I am riddled with grief- and anxiety- nervous that i may make things worse- worried that i could do something MORE but am oblivious to what it is.
my friend is dying- and though she could look at me and look like she has important things to tell me, i am still unsure about what she wants.. and it is winter i feel coming- silence- peace of snow on branches- but we are actually still here in transition.
dont really know, have no idea..

RAINA

its so hard to get on-

and BE in the moment-

MY head is heavy with thoughts--

raina

raina

QUEEN

MATEO

prince

MICHAEL ANGELO

BETH

WENDY & JOHN

it's like a story

deep sigh-

i am filled with it;

riddled.

my heart is broken

my heart is broken
I've been crying for days
i try to think of other things
but the thoughts return-the grief remains
my heart is broken
when i look at her
-broken
brain muddled, split apart, shattered, sewn shut
i see her trapped inside
i want to touch her
but she is too far away

everyone knows now
what i feared two years ago when she was diagnosed with brain cancer-
that this is forever
that this is really deep
and dark
and not like the light Raina being we knew

my heart is broken
because my fears have become true
she is here
but not able to join us
and no one really knows what
will happen next

doesn't look good
but we
believe
in
miracles..,
we believe
in love
and the queen.

Grandma-
your last message came in mid july-
i have written a couple of times, but have heard nothing.. I hope that you are ok, and that your george is recovering.
My life is overwhelmingly busy and especially so at the moment- i am ending my partnership with my business partner, expanding the restaurant, and both boys have begun school (fela is in kindergarten!!). I am doing WAY too much for one person, but at this point, really see no other way, there is really no one else but me..
I hope to have a break in november, and am looking at tickets then (not to get your hopes up, as i know i have been trying to visit for a while), but it has been TOO long, and i am ready to just figure out a way.
I wish there were words for how much i miss you. I am missing you all of the time. all of the time. i love vermont, and i love you, i wish i could have both.

i want to know everything-- EVERYTHING
have you been writing? i know at one time charles cohn was encouraging you to write your memoirs-- and i too, have been waiting for your words and all of the details for some time.. what can you tell me?

it is cooling off here now- and fall is approaching, and winter on it's way. I am not ready, and honestly, if fela's dad wasnt so committed to being here, i would move somewhere else-- somewhere warmer--- thinking of mexico.. but i do feel kind of stuck and committed here for at least the next 9 years.. seems like such a long time, but looking at moses (and even my own reflection) i know that that will fly by. At the same time, as i get older, I am seeing that time is there kind of singing--
As i wrote previously, my very close friend raina has been suffering from brain cancer for the last two years, and (in my "spare time") i have been visiting her. It is overwhelming, and intense- as you know. Last night i went to visit her, and she was speechless. It was so hard and sad to see her this way, as i felt like there was so much she wanted to tell me, and so much i wanted to know, but couldnt ask--and all day i have been thinking about her. We are only a week apart in age, her son and my moses think of each other as brothers (you met MIKE- my boyfriend years ago- he and raina birthed teo together, and i was there with them through the pregnancy and birth and these years that have passed have kept us very close). Being with raina brings so much up for me- so often i feel so tender after being with her, and unable to communicate myself, as well.
But today, i had to try again to connect with you- because i feel you with me all of the time (and my dad, victor too), and lately, really, more than ever. maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the years-- but i am longing, really deeply longing, to sit with you and see your smile..

with tears in my eyes, and 3000 miles between us-
i am sending you love like a river flowing from my heart to yours.

i need you in my life
crystal

its kind of embarrassing how many different foods i cooked today.. it;s harvest time in vermont, it's wedding time too-- we've got all sorts of odds & ends crammed in our fridge-- but- something is missing...
can you guess it?
alanna.. where are you?

hello...where are you???

i trust that no-one reads this blog by now. except you, and a couple (literally 2) other's i give this address to... so-- why have you not written?
i am almost desperate now.
dont ignore me.
i am fading
with exhaustion
from this tiring silence.
write something .

something
is better than nothing
at all.


dad-
come on- i'm missing you.

dad

dad

this is my dad-..
my birth father died when i was 3months old (when he was in his mid-late 20's) and my mom brought Terence to meet us when i was in kindergarten.. I loved him immediately- he laughed sincerely and was tall and lean and available in ways i had never know a grown man to be. he made fun of us- but in ways that we deserved- and when he and my mom got serious (after three months or so) he told her they would have to get married if they were going to stay to gather-- because (as he told me) he was getting attached to us kids and wanted us all to feel safe to be attached together-- i remember when they told us they would marry- we were staying in a winter cabin near Bradford VT and went for a hike in the winter woods.. we were a bit lost so Terence climbed a tree to look out over the snow.. it was when he came down (in my memory) that they told us they would marry. the next day we went looking for houses in they area because they had decided to marry and move to Vermont....
i was ecstatic (it took my sister some years and much convincing)- and all through the wedding planning/dress buying/packing/ and arranging, i was openly happy. SO much so that on the wedding day (after throwing daisies at all the fashionable late 70's hippy guests), i drank champagne and passed out-- the next day (still happy) searched for Easter eggs and watched the uhaul being packed in the front driveway on moss street..
over the years, as i grew and life became more complex and i began to contemplate the depths of my own story, i watched from a sort of adolescent distance as my father (as he had become) and i grew closer through music, literature, poetry, and love. I respected him - and was the only man for years that i truly thought i knew.


having children has definitely changed my relationships to my parents-- my mother whom i tortured and was tortured by became an object of admiration; and my father whom i trusted and depended on became distant and unreliable.. Over the last ten years, i have had a few conflicts with each and them together, and watched as they naturally and finally took their leave from each other. I have watched them each now for the last year as they both struggle to redefine themselves, and have suffered from their pains as they heal from the years spent unhappily together.. despite my compassion- i have sat in a sort of silence unknown to us-- i have not spoken to my "dad" in almost 2 months- he has been sick but has not talked to me about it. He has not answered my emails with any sort of clarity about promised he made to moses or to me-- the summer is nearly over and i feel shaken and sad- because for the last two months i have been mourning the loss of my dad-- again.

what happens- when the children become parents and the parents become children?

ive been sitting at my computer for nearly 4 hours-- the odd thing is (to me too) is that i have been looking forward to this time all day.. it is only 7:45 and i am so done though-- i want it to be sunny again, like it was, three hours ago--
my back hurts, my eyes burn and i am beat.
i miss yoga

i am sitting here stranded though doing my best to deny it..

yet
there is nothing, really nothing to turn off...






RETURN
to me.