comme l'eau

JUST LIKE THE WATER...
the sweetest thing ive ever known... is kisses on collar bone..

pleasure

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

just in

just got in--- tulips on the table... 7 rooms- all waiting at once.
i sit in the kitchen (my comfortable place...) and type.

TYPE

type something you long to know...

mud

i can tell it is spring
i want to change everything
my own taproot is shooting straight down towards the center of the earth.
it is raining
i am barefoot in mud.
cold
partially frozen mud.
and it feels good-

i feel the trees about to burst into flowers and leaves-
just as i feel my heart bursting with new growth.
there are living roots under my bare feet!
there is life in these sticks next to me!
aha! spring!


i have had lots of alone time.. such a relief.
i have been perfectly placed- just enough pain.. just enough effort.. just enough sacrifice.. and then
joy.

i love you/me

poopy pants

dumped.
that's how i feel.
down in the dumps-
like i have been floating between reality and fantasy for some time- maybe my whole life- and the warm air current of expectation just pushed me along- till i got to the end of the tunnel- and landed on my ass.
now i am nestled only by reality- with fantasy dancing over my head- each time i reach for it to lift me up, a wild octopus bird jellyfish unicorn slaps my hand away.

from down here i can feel the huge void in my life- in my family- like a helium balloon in my belly pushing up on my diaphragm- i cant fill it- it is full already of grief and disappointment- all i can do is just wait for it to dissipate.

it will be done

it will be done soon

this waiting will be over
these fears will subside

you will look at me and be able to see me
and i will see you

it will be done
on earth as in heaven
into one
and resolved
for now.

after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!

2010

bizarre
and crazy that i can remember so many...
here we are AGAIN>>>
(i am sneezing.. so much so ---
happy new year to you & you & you & you & you...

nearly new

its late-
i cant sleep-
but have to rise early..
it's nearly the new year--
2010-CRAZY
- 10 years since the millennium fury,
20 years since i was 13 (which is clear as a bell-),
28 years since prince sang 1999,
and 30 years since i was 3...
to be three...

kismet turns 3 on Monday-
strange- to think though, that this is actually my fourth winter there (at kismet)-- i remember three winters already passing, and can see myself there- looking out of the back door at the snow piling up each time.. and i wonder- am i growing? does me staying here (the longest i have stayed anywhere) mean me growing wiser, or me growing stagnant? (maybe if i stay put i will find out??? our should i lean and reach and stand up walking some place further?)

-
i crave evolution
i want so much more than the face value of all of this...
i want the puzzle to come together.
i want the work, the strive, the hunt and find- and i want to capture all of it- like a flower press, like a water color, like a classic recipe, like a song in three part round harmony, and i want to fit in in in in...

new year.
same me
i'll wait
and see....

arizona

at 3 am on saturday morning, while everyone i knew was asleep somewhere in the world, i woke, and drove myself to the Burlington airport to fly to arizona. At 4 something am I boarded a tiny tiny propeller plane to fly to Philadelphia- only to exit the "aircraft" 30 minutes later because of engine failure on the runway (i had a bad feeling about that plane from the moment i saw it so i was relieved to return to the airport!)- 10 minutes later i was rerouted and put on a larger plane to Washington dc. at 3:30 pm vermont time, i arrived in arizona and was quickly in the entrance way and arms of my grandmother...
i have spent the last three mornings doing yoga in the 60 degree sun and the last 3 afternoons and evenings with my grandmother. she is 80 (but looks 65) and has the energy and spirit of a young woman. I am enamoured by her- and always have been- so to be in her presence, and to be in her home, I am full of both pride and humility. I have always enjoyed her company, since my first visits to see her as a child, as well as in my adult life- our times together have been a treat and each as memorable as the first time i flew across the country at 8 in my yellow dress and sun hat- my grandmother is the closest link i have to my birth father, whom I feel very deeply connected to- and at the same time, I am her closest link to him- on top of all of that, we are naturally very similar in our "ways"-
Being with my grandmother is hard to describe-
i am now and have always been so curious about her- she has fantastic style, amazingly adventurous and mysterious stories of her travels and experiences, and she is the most devoted and clear person I have ever met. She loves clearly, consciously, and deliberately- she is disciplined and determined to enjoy her life the fullest, and does so in a way that makes it seem easy, and somewhat enviously so. And when I am with her, for me, my life feels whole and complete in a way that is impossible to describe in just a few words.
Because I owe many of my "firsts" to experiences I had with my grandmother (and grandfather too), I do think of her often- when cutting into a steak, i think of her showing me how to use a knife and fork properly- i think of her, and everything about that moment- the kitchen, the quoy pond beyond the sliding glass doors, the wedge of melon on my plate, the centerpiece on the table, the neatness of her hair, the light on the canvas hanging on the wall- and trust me-- each time i cut into a piece of food, i think of her. But when I am with her, it seems foolish to recount such little things-- especially, when I know that the reason I have coveted such mundane memories such as these, is because even as a child I felt that i was destined to know this woman. I studied her- i studied the way she decorated her house, the way she set a table, the way she dressed, the sort of things she liked to eat and drink, her posture, everything - how she brushed her teach with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide, how she exercised every day, how she let my grandfather dote on her, how she drank filtered room temperature water, how she spoke of her parents- the war- and how she maintained all of her relationships, even the most, regularly through letters and phone calls.. Some of my most fond memories are of her. I remember when I came to stay with her- each night there would be a gift under my pillow- something small, something simple- like a little candy or a jade stone- but each would be wrapped so perfectly, and so intricately-- i would be in my bed and she would say "how is your pillow?" and I would say "fine grandma"- and she would ask me if it was lumpy at all-- and i would say no- and she would say "look under it, i am sure it looks uncomfortable" and I would, and there the gift would be.... and i remember feeling so happy, so loved, and also so overwhelmed- and there she was looking at me, giggling- even as she does now still- with a look in her eye of complete and absolute love-

today my grandmother asked me to look through her things and pick out things i might like to have one day-- this caught me so off guard, and I cried.. she insisted that i really think about it and let her know- because, though she doesn't anticipate it coming soon, EVERYONE has an expiration... I looked around and felt so bizarre-- i don't like the thought of any of it being separated from each other-- for as long as i can remember her home as been as it is-- even before arizona-- i know she has carried many of these same things for such a long time, and they all belong together-- it's like a museum-

Today I brought a digital voice recorder and asked my grandmother to talk with me-- she agreed, but in return, I would have to cook lunch AND dinner!
we sat, and she talked for 3 hours! and, honestly, we could have sat for 300- she is so full of memories and with such clarity she tells these stories in her easy to listen to voice- stories of times i can only imagine- stories of a world that really doesn't exist anymore-

then, I cooked...



VERMONT MEALS TO HEAL THE SUNSOAKED ARIZONIAN

first meal at home:
(my grandmother's close friend, neighbor, and loved admirer has not been well, so i cooked some meals to both heal and entertain.. George could not have any vitamin K so, i left out all green vegetables)
VERMONT WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!
large whole organic chicken
{i cut out the back bone, then roasted it "spread eagle" (as grandma called it)}
i zested rind of fresh picked grapefruit
2 ounces chamomile tea (or sleepytime tea bag, opened and pored out)
1 table spoon course salt
1/4 table spoon course pepper
(i shoved all of the spices under the skin, and sprinkled a few on top and roasted in hot oven for just 30 minutes-- )

assorted root vegetables (parsnip, celeriac, purple potatoes, red potatoes, shallots)
cut and cubed, roasted with olive oil

acorn squash
cut in half, roasted seed side down, then turned over, filled with butter and maple and browned (YUMM)

salad
asian pear
granny smith
radish
fennel bulb
jicama
kolrabi
(above was spiral cut on a benriner)
blackberries
white balsamic
(blackberries and balsamic pureed with an immersion blender, then strained)
candied walnuts (garnish, whole)

lunch:
beyond simple- i brought an avocado, some salad greens and quinoa..

Salad:

quinoa
1/2 avocado
1 cup baby greens
drizzle olive oil
drizzle fresh lemon juice
drizzle tamari
tablespoon sunflower seeds

side of roasted edemame
side of roasted almonds with raisins


dinner-- night #2
(george's request....)
beef wellington.

1.5 lb fillet Mignon -2, 1"steaks, each cut in 1/2 (organic)
1/4 lb assorted mushrooms
3 tbs Madeira wine
6 tbs duck pate
1/8 inch thick puff pastry, 12x 12- (usually freshly made, but if frozen, make sure to thaw in advance)

1 bunch baby carrots with greens
9 baby potatoes
1/4 cup fresh peas

butter (of course)

(as I told my grandmother today, beef wellington is very simple-- it's just very expensive..)
so if you want to spend $20 per person to cook this AT HOME --go for it-- it's really not that hard and can be prepared in just under 1 and 1/2 hours.

(SIMPLE STEPS)

1. season both sides of meat with salt and pepper as well as olive oil-- let it sit out for about 1/2 hour to get to room temp
2. roughly chop mushrooms, then blitz in food processor, add some dried forest mushrooms for depth
3. sear the steak 1 minute each side HIGH HEAT (set aside)
4. put mushroom goo to the hot steak pan, saute for about 5-8 minutes (you will see water coming out, which is good-- water sogs pastry you know-) add wine, saute 3- 4 minutes longer until dry and fragrant, add a little salt- turn off heat.
5. cut puff pastry in large squares (about 2" wider on each side of a fillet)
6. rub with egg wash (scrambled up egg- UNCOOKED)
7. place fillet on center of each pastry square
8. top with about 1 tbs pate
9. top pate with 1/4 of mushroom mixture
10. fold up pastry and seal around meat and mushroom bundle
11. cover in egg wash
12. sprinkle salt
13. sprinkle pepper
14. cook for about 8-10 minutes at 425 ( or until a meat thermometer reads 145 for med rare)-

(of course the baby potatoes were roasting this whole time you were preparing the wellington --so they roasted about 30 minutes at 425

and for the carrots ?

peal, then steam for only about 4 minutes-

drain all water, add peas, a smidgen of butter, and let it do it's thing until ready to serve..

and now...

vanilla ice cream with just made preserved grapefruit!

just made preserve grapefruit:

fresh picked kitchen window grapefruit

2 star anise

1/4 cupe sugar

2 cups water

boil water, sugar, anise for about 15 minutes

add thinnly sliced pink grapefruit

add 1 tbs vanilla (or even better, 1 pod vanill bean, cut in 1/2)

reduce heat to med,

simmer 10 minutes,

pour in mason jar and can or refridgerate

makes yummy tarts and also good under chicken....