it will be done

it will be done soon

this waiting will be over
these fears will subside

you will look at me and be able to see me
and i will see you

it will be done
on earth as in heaven
into one
and resolved
for now.

after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!

2010

bizarre
and crazy that i can remember so many...
here we are AGAIN>>>
(i am sneezing.. so much so ---
happy new year to you & you & you & you & you...

nearly new

its late-
i cant sleep-
but have to rise early..
it's nearly the new year--
2010-CRAZY
- 10 years since the millennium fury,
20 years since i was 13 (which is clear as a bell-),
28 years since prince sang 1999,
and 30 years since i was 3...
to be three...

kismet turns 3 on Monday-
strange- to think though, that this is actually my fourth winter there (at kismet)-- i remember three winters already passing, and can see myself there- looking out of the back door at the snow piling up each time.. and i wonder- am i growing? does me staying here (the longest i have stayed anywhere) mean me growing wiser, or me growing stagnant? (maybe if i stay put i will find out??? our should i lean and reach and stand up walking some place further?)

-
i crave evolution
i want so much more than the face value of all of this...
i want the puzzle to come together.
i want the work, the strive, the hunt and find- and i want to capture all of it- like a flower press, like a water color, like a classic recipe, like a song in three part round harmony, and i want to fit in in in in...

new year.
same me
i'll wait
and see....

arizona

at 3 am on saturday morning, while everyone i knew was asleep somewhere in the world, i woke, and drove myself to the Burlington airport to fly to arizona. At 4 something am I boarded a tiny tiny propeller plane to fly to Philadelphia- only to exit the "aircraft" 30 minutes later because of engine failure on the runway (i had a bad feeling about that plane from the moment i saw it so i was relieved to return to the airport!)- 10 minutes later i was rerouted and put on a larger plane to Washington dc. at 3:30 pm vermont time, i arrived in arizona and was quickly in the entrance way and arms of my grandmother...
i have spent the last three mornings doing yoga in the 60 degree sun and the last 3 afternoons and evenings with my grandmother. she is 80 (but looks 65) and has the energy and spirit of a young woman. I am enamoured by her- and always have been- so to be in her presence, and to be in her home, I am full of both pride and humility. I have always enjoyed her company, since my first visits to see her as a child, as well as in my adult life- our times together have been a treat and each as memorable as the first time i flew across the country at 8 in my yellow dress and sun hat- my grandmother is the closest link i have to my birth father, whom I feel very deeply connected to- and at the same time, I am her closest link to him- on top of all of that, we are naturally very similar in our "ways"-
Being with my grandmother is hard to describe-
i am now and have always been so curious about her- she has fantastic style, amazingly adventurous and mysterious stories of her travels and experiences, and she is the most devoted and clear person I have ever met. She loves clearly, consciously, and deliberately- she is disciplined and determined to enjoy her life the fullest, and does so in a way that makes it seem easy, and somewhat enviously so. And when I am with her, for me, my life feels whole and complete in a way that is impossible to describe in just a few words.
Because I owe many of my "firsts" to experiences I had with my grandmother (and grandfather too), I do think of her often- when cutting into a steak, i think of her showing me how to use a knife and fork properly- i think of her, and everything about that moment- the kitchen, the quoy pond beyond the sliding glass doors, the wedge of melon on my plate, the centerpiece on the table, the neatness of her hair, the light on the canvas hanging on the wall- and trust me-- each time i cut into a piece of food, i think of her. But when I am with her, it seems foolish to recount such little things-- especially, when I know that the reason I have coveted such mundane memories such as these, is because even as a child I felt that i was destined to know this woman. I studied her- i studied the way she decorated her house, the way she set a table, the way she dressed, the sort of things she liked to eat and drink, her posture, everything - how she brushed her teach with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide, how she exercised every day, how she let my grandfather dote on her, how she drank filtered room temperature water, how she spoke of her parents- the war- and how she maintained all of her relationships, even the most, regularly through letters and phone calls.. Some of my most fond memories are of her. I remember when I came to stay with her- each night there would be a gift under my pillow- something small, something simple- like a little candy or a jade stone- but each would be wrapped so perfectly, and so intricately-- i would be in my bed and she would say "how is your pillow?" and I would say "fine grandma"- and she would ask me if it was lumpy at all-- and i would say no- and she would say "look under it, i am sure it looks uncomfortable" and I would, and there the gift would be.... and i remember feeling so happy, so loved, and also so overwhelmed- and there she was looking at me, giggling- even as she does now still- with a look in her eye of complete and absolute love-

today my grandmother asked me to look through her things and pick out things i might like to have one day-- this caught me so off guard, and I cried.. she insisted that i really think about it and let her know- because, though she doesn't anticipate it coming soon, EVERYONE has an expiration... I looked around and felt so bizarre-- i don't like the thought of any of it being separated from each other-- for as long as i can remember her home as been as it is-- even before arizona-- i know she has carried many of these same things for such a long time, and they all belong together-- it's like a museum-

Today I brought a digital voice recorder and asked my grandmother to talk with me-- she agreed, but in return, I would have to cook lunch AND dinner!
we sat, and she talked for 3 hours! and, honestly, we could have sat for 300- she is so full of memories and with such clarity she tells these stories in her easy to listen to voice- stories of times i can only imagine- stories of a world that really doesn't exist anymore-

then, I cooked...



VERMONT MEALS TO HEAL THE SUNSOAKED ARIZONIAN

first meal at home:
(my grandmother's close friend, neighbor, and loved admirer has not been well, so i cooked some meals to both heal and entertain.. George could not have any vitamin K so, i left out all green vegetables)
VERMONT WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!
large whole organic chicken
{i cut out the back bone, then roasted it "spread eagle" (as grandma called it)}
i zested rind of fresh picked grapefruit
2 ounces chamomile tea (or sleepytime tea bag, opened and pored out)
1 table spoon course salt
1/4 table spoon course pepper
(i shoved all of the spices under the skin, and sprinkled a few on top and roasted in hot oven for just 30 minutes-- )

assorted root vegetables (parsnip, celeriac, purple potatoes, red potatoes, shallots)
cut and cubed, roasted with olive oil

acorn squash
cut in half, roasted seed side down, then turned over, filled with butter and maple and browned (YUMM)

salad
asian pear
granny smith
radish
fennel bulb
jicama
kolrabi
(above was spiral cut on a benriner)
blackberries
white balsamic
(blackberries and balsamic pureed with an immersion blender, then strained)
candied walnuts (garnish, whole)

lunch:
beyond simple- i brought an avocado, some salad greens and quinoa..

Salad:

quinoa
1/2 avocado
1 cup baby greens
drizzle olive oil
drizzle fresh lemon juice
drizzle tamari
tablespoon sunflower seeds

side of roasted edemame
side of roasted almonds with raisins


dinner-- night #2
(george's request....)
beef wellington.

1.5 lb fillet Mignon -2, 1"steaks, each cut in 1/2 (organic)
1/4 lb assorted mushrooms
3 tbs Madeira wine
6 tbs duck pate
1/8 inch thick puff pastry, 12x 12- (usually freshly made, but if frozen, make sure to thaw in advance)

1 bunch baby carrots with greens
9 baby potatoes
1/4 cup fresh peas

butter (of course)

(as I told my grandmother today, beef wellington is very simple-- it's just very expensive..)
so if you want to spend $20 per person to cook this AT HOME --go for it-- it's really not that hard and can be prepared in just under 1 and 1/2 hours.

(SIMPLE STEPS)

1. season both sides of meat with salt and pepper as well as olive oil-- let it sit out for about 1/2 hour to get to room temp
2. roughly chop mushrooms, then blitz in food processor, add some dried forest mushrooms for depth
3. sear the steak 1 minute each side HIGH HEAT (set aside)
4. put mushroom goo to the hot steak pan, saute for about 5-8 minutes (you will see water coming out, which is good-- water sogs pastry you know-) add wine, saute 3- 4 minutes longer until dry and fragrant, add a little salt- turn off heat.
5. cut puff pastry in large squares (about 2" wider on each side of a fillet)
6. rub with egg wash (scrambled up egg- UNCOOKED)
7. place fillet on center of each pastry square
8. top with about 1 tbs pate
9. top pate with 1/4 of mushroom mixture
10. fold up pastry and seal around meat and mushroom bundle
11. cover in egg wash
12. sprinkle salt
13. sprinkle pepper
14. cook for about 8-10 minutes at 425 ( or until a meat thermometer reads 145 for med rare)-

(of course the baby potatoes were roasting this whole time you were preparing the wellington --so they roasted about 30 minutes at 425

and for the carrots ?

peal, then steam for only about 4 minutes-

drain all water, add peas, a smidgen of butter, and let it do it's thing until ready to serve..

and now...

vanilla ice cream with just made preserved grapefruit!

just made preserve grapefruit:

fresh picked kitchen window grapefruit

2 star anise

1/4 cupe sugar

2 cups water

boil water, sugar, anise for about 15 minutes

add thinnly sliced pink grapefruit

add 1 tbs vanilla (or even better, 1 pod vanill bean, cut in 1/2)

reduce heat to med,

simmer 10 minutes,

pour in mason jar and can or refridgerate

makes yummy tarts and also good under chicken....

brusselsprout and sausage soup

i made brussel sprout and sausage soup last night- layered the potatoes, onions, garlic and sauasage then tossed on the whole brussel sprouts in the crock pot.. i put it inmy fridge and this morning woke, took a showere, and put the whole bundle in the crockpot contraption, added water, set it on high and left for my full wednesday (monday my world)..
work was busy-
no news
went to therapy and talked about god and spirit and gurus and india
went to pick up fela from day care then talked to sara--
big sobs
chloe was hit by a car and was dead..
chloe is our wee dog-
we got her as a gift from my sister for moses's tenth birthday and have all been acclimating and falling in love with her since..
i picked up fela, and sat both kids in the car and told them....
the rest of the night was sad
sad and full and real

i dished up the soup i had made and we all sat there trying to eat, but not being able to.
the soup was aweful anyway..
i dont even know what could have tasted good then
we were all just sitting there in our own loss-
fela wanted to make everyone feel better but also kept saying "i feel sad for chloe" just like he had three weeks ago when raina passsed-- we ate dinner and he kept saying "i feel sad for raina"....
this has been a hard month.. and winter is still on her way..

i will not make brusselsprout soup again
ever.

order out pizza

it's been a long year- but fast and full and intense-
monumentis
Michael Jackson died
and Raina
and my parents were divorced
and so so so much more
weddings
events
divorces
separations
and aging..

i have been roasting chickens to ground myself
making soup with roasted bones and teaching the kids how to make mashed potatoes and gravy..
but carrying around dreams all the while of other pleasures-- like room service
and vacations
and stability.
today i receive pizza delivery
mushroom and cheese
and play scrabble with moses (he doesn't want my help and still scores only 30 points less than me without me cutting him a break).
it's Saturday in this part of the world- but i am living in a Thursday bubble--- it has been three years and i am still trying to figure out how to best manage my work week.

went to the black door while moses and i were waiting for our laundry to dry-
i ordered fries and seltzer for moses and Mathew delivered us a plate of hand cut Montpelier frites and his salad special of the evening. I sat amidst a group of 50 something montpelierites and ate this beautiful (but hard to describe in an appetizing way) salad-- with my hands.. the bar tender (soon to be my property manager, i hope) neglected to deliver silverware and so i at the watermelon radish/walnut/winter green/ bacon/cheddar salad dressed in rosemary infused pink grapefruit juice piece by piece... and was thankful that i knew to enjoy it without the fork... i think it probably tastes batter that way anyway-- just like pizza quickly delivered and eaten on the comfort of my living room floor...

one day

and now

it's november

cold wet dark and... just so november

there's this eerie-ness about it- this silent sort of waiting- like everyone is secretly loving and internally celebrating how "warm" it still is, we are silent in it-- not too comfortable with it- just loving it silently- it's kind of like a slow peaceful death-- we know it is meant to be, we anticipate it coming, but we are quietly singing inside for each ray of warm sunlight.

i have been in an odd place-

somewhere between here and there

somewhere between happy and sad

a place i can only compare to a watchtower.. i am watching- watching my life span on-unfolding-children growing- white hairs forming- butt sagging- and yet, stillness... my financial situation is recovering v e r y s l o w l y

and my evolution feels minor,

and my reality feels skewed

i have been going in and out of each day and each day's little dramas, and all the while determining time marked by raina-s passing.

i remember what we had for dinner the night she died

i remember the first hour after she passed

i remember the hours of the next day

days

and these last two weeks.

i remember even yesterday as if it is a memory blended in

going to her house

going through her clothes

picking things

sitting with her mother

wanting to tell her that i didn't really want just STUFF, i wanted the freedom to remember her and know her however i wanted... i wanted to reach my hands in and scoop out the essential essence of her and make something beautiful out of it..

i wonder if i am numb

if i am trying too hard to translate this metaphor

but she keeps coming to me

and it all makes so much sense-

and everything else seems to be put into perspective..

what is this??

where is my tribe?

what am i doing besides coping?

what do i do now?

wake up

feel skin on muscle on bone

operate this heavy machine

yield

and move with grace.

and keep on trying

each day as if it were new

and keep on pushing

this body and mind

to have a breakthrough.

because i am lonely

and will always be

but still i am connected

to the sacred geometry

of

you

of you and her and him and that and this

story...

what if i stop and ask myself what i am doing?

and the answer is "i don't know?"

what if i stop and ask myself what i am feeling

and the answer is "i want to go"

what if i stop and wait for what i need

would the light burn through the fog to

shine on this seed?

until then

i will cope with dire straits

by maintaining my limited faith and

preening my self esteem and

remembering clearly all that brought me to this place.

my muscles will be strong

and i will lye down in the fear i know, knowing that i will know more

one day.

she's gone

it's been dark, cold and rainy for more than a week- but today the sun came out, it was almost 60 and it felt like spring- and then, as if she was waiting for a break in the clouds, she slipped out of the cells of her own body and floated away..
safe travels raina star..
i love you

transition

moving into winter--reluctantly- hesitantly- but resolved.

days spent thinking of Raina- in her hospital bed in h er room at home- her mother there tending to her as her new born.. her family and friends all busy being there-- and then me trying to be helpful and present, gathering memories for teo and mike and for them all. I am riddled with grief- and anxiety- nervous that i may make things worse- worried that i could do something MORE but am oblivious to what it is.
my friend is dying- and though she could look at me and look like she has important things to tell me, i am still unsure about what she wants.. and it is winter i feel coming- silence- peace of snow on branches- but we are actually still here in transition.
dont really know, have no idea..