this too is true

i have given myself to you
and taken you
whole
hungerly
and without reason.
your everything
holding my everything
your whispers
answering my questions
movement and stillness
opening and closing

each time
i too
have been amazed by our closeness
despite the
distance
& the
shredded fantasies
of the future
we both abandoned ages ago


and
even with every light on
what should seem reckless
careless
or shameful
looks remarkably
pure
without a single promise
scope of clarity
direction
or distance.
i can let go now.
  & so can you

be well on that journey
may the wind be at your back.

xx

we could have done better

the last few weeks I been moping around 

foolishly missing my teapot-

functional, stainless steel-

but when i saw it sitting on your new stove

in your new apartment

in the picture you posted on facebook

i knew..

i could do better.

******

the first night we kissed, 

I was overindulged & unable to drive my car.

i was in the midst of the deepest mourning of my life,

and i didnt even know it.

you took my shirt off

kissed me on your knees

looked into my eyes with fascination and desire

it felt good to be looked at like that

to be wanted

despite how much grief i was carrying.

I went home, 

slept in my jacket, on my bed without sheets.

and woke knowing what i looked like.
saw my home as it was- 
destroyed..

embarrassed, 
I knew-

I could have done better.

you asked me on a date and I accepted

feeling unusually nervous. 

i told my friends that i felt like you were going to bail-

you gave me the wrong address to your house,

i got caught in a moment of my own prediction coming true.

but then when i arrived

you had made lamb

polenta

 & bourbon

you wore that green shirt with little stripes

and asked me if i wanted a boyfriend.

i laughed;

 obviously  a NO;

went home,
keeping our date a secret.  

your attention felt nice, 

You are interesting and

i was turned on by your 

kisses-
your desire 

but your house was a mess

you had a bad reputation 

and my friends told me that i could do better.

I got you a cookbook for your birthday

chez panisse

fruit. 

we tried to make love

of course, i got pregnant.

On the day i went for the scheduled

termination

you made other plans

and i sat in the grass and wrote in my journal

all about how i wished that

i could have done better.

A whole year later

after those times you cheated on me

and broke my heart

and lied to me,

I convinced myself that trusting you

was the best medicine for our relationship.

we moved in together

and i set about “bettering” things.

like your habits

and the children’s habits

and your parenting

and your nutrition. 

and a year went by of me finding

endless amounts of things to better.

I could do better

and i would, for everyone’s sake.

In my mind,

i was problem solving,

identifying and 

mending conflicts-

marching down a path to the golden pedestal I yearned to be placed on.

i could do better, damn it

and i continued to push myself

to do just that.

I would be patient while

others broke down around me

i would be confident when others were unsure

i would be prepared,

generous, capable and able to contribute

no matter what sort of crisis I felt within or around me.

I would control myself, 

keep myself from slamming doors, 

storming out, calling names, making threats, running away.

Even when you exploded at  me

even when you told me you were done with me

i didnt believe you.

and no matter how mad i was at you

for all those times you failed to assert yourself,

for all the weirdnesses, 

the depression, the lack of communication, the lack of appreciation, 

I would have done anything you asked me to do.

“I could do better” i pleaded

then you were gone.

and now,

it’s me

in a shell of a home we made together

thinking about you

and so confused.

i feel discarded &

disrespected.
i am so angry

i want a peaceful world

a peaceful home

a partner who relishes in my strengths.
its so confusing to want you back
to still believe that you are 
who i want-
so i want you out --
knowing 
& telling myself

that

i can do better.

be well
and let go
xxoo

i had thoughts about straw bale
& open air pavilions
i envisioned a path that lead to the ocean
felt your hand on my back-
felt you reach into me through my heart
& that feeling of you
behind me-firm & stable,
is still with me
thank god-
despite everything.

really long time

each day

each moment

each sip of water, ray of light, drop of rain

each stress

each joy

all adds up

to what is

my entire life.

i feel a growth

coming on

something from within

a ring in my central hardwood

core

and an acceptance

unlike any other time

to look at my fingers

and my own face

in my reflection

and see myself

to know myself

is monumental.

i look at you

and see you

seeing me

i am the one with arms folded at the end of the bed

black shirt

red tired eyes

thinking of peggy

thinking of us

thinking of the past

the future

the children

the work

talking talking talking talking talking--

you are the one lying down

looking cozy

smiling now

easy

sweet

soft &

so uncomfortable

at the same time

hello again.. xxoo

hello

soo much happens in each day- these long long long days-

kismet

ahh,

sweet kismet

is strong today

thanks to the support and love

of this community..

and now

i am a steward

a host

to the 27 employees

the 45 menu options

my children

and this town

my work is cut out for me

i am clear

and understand the job

so here i go

finding my fire

after the flood

and

diving in

to the surrender

that kismet requires

and kismet

means

everything

returned

ok.

it was in the midst of a tiny moment that i realized that i occupy 2 of the most challenging careers.. single mother of 2 with 2 separate dads, and untrained chef restaurant owner..

oops. guess someone was a little ambitious...

so far.

in this moment, there is nothing more that i crave than a room to myself- fresh air, sunlight, warm with the breeze of fresh quiche, and filled with the thankfulness of knowing all is in order.

family close.

house a home.

joy.

feeling pretty low- steeping in the marrow of memories. one year ago- where were we then? saying hello- saying goodbye

one year.

one year. can be so little in hind sight, but a year- a whole year- awake, pushing, working, changing- yet, it is suddenly so much.. and like so many other times, i am in awe.

Synchronisity.

memories.

dreams.

spring is on its way.

i am so incredibly nostalgic- all of the years are lined up and stacked up and the energy is multiplied.

lucky me.

happy new year dear.

long long days these have been..

as if i have been standing in the same room for the last five months-- I know that there is a world going on- i get big mouthful tastes of it from time to time, but in here-- in here is where i live now..

i have taken a step. not sure exactly what direction it registers, but in my mind, on a compass it is exactly center..

i have not seen sunlight in months.

i barely see my children.

i dont remember when the last time i did laundry was.

talking on the phone now is always painful.

i am hardly EVER present.

yet.

i am happy,

i think.

so proud to watch and be part of little miracles. gastronomical chemistry, to be in love amidst it all.

to be adopted by it all.

to find the words to ask for what i want.

clearly.

i enter this new year with so many questions, so many memories, so much on my plate- but aware of myself more than ever.

not enough time EVER to address the things i want to address.

but hear me now-

i am thankful.

and hopeful

and working my ass off

to believe that

eventually,

it all comes back together.

xxoo

just more

watching myself aging now.. my energy is less scattered- i feel more focused, but i look at myself and see i woman i am still longing to know..

being a girl was easy...

i stretch my shoulders back and my chest pops open... my heart is growing..

i take a shower and put all of my things in my bag- and look at my babies= children now... we touch on adolescence- everyday it get's closer... and at the same time, my own gets further away...

hot hot hot sun lately.

all day and keeps getting hotter.. i love it, but am so aware of time speeding up... how does 4 months go by so quickly, and yet, feel like a year or more? i keep trying to make more time for myself, and have been able too, but at the same (exact same) moment, i am conflicted because i feel like i am abandoning something else i have to do..

saw a video of myself and moses... HOLY #$*)*&# !! we are growing up! i looked like a woman, and he like a pre-pubescent boy.... my baby is 11! and i am now 33.... & i am lost for the words to describe how amazing and abstract all of that is..

swim today.

with sadie

and the boys

and jay

and friends...

watching myself be seen as i gently navigate through these days...

SO GOOD to have witness..

oh- hey- well then

there have been so many things on my mind lately... the earth is shifting; & so am i..

the earth is on fire- enraged- in war-- & so am I... and at the SAME TIME- the earth around me is moist and dank (& so am I) , full of spring (& so am I) and promising fear and fortune (so am I...)..

too long since i have written.

the berries grew too quickly-- it has been hard to catch up..

"i have missed you-

flame that feeds my flame.;

i have missed us;

the constance of us.

and i have worked so hard to show you

that i am good-

i am real-

i am as honest as i can

be.

i feel you moving away from me though-

like the heat of that early march sun-

now cold

(i have flannel sheets again)-

Dont ask me to stay close then drift afar-

please no

i am HERE

and really--

that is all that i can promise..

i might wake you

your golden brow

kiss your cheek, touch your edgy sleep-

or i may just wake and feel our distance.

anyway.

there are seconds here that i count....

spring will be back again- right?"

"

moving on into the new day now-

spring has been long--
& I've been making the most of it.. sun on skin at 6 am- birds singing through open windows-- sun- sixties- and scents of spring...
THEN SNOW
so big and deep and thick and .. cold.

i lay in bed yesterday listening to one phoebe singing out- and no answer..
i woke to it-
my own anxiety-
saying: ANSWER-
i thought... ANSWER-

i know that place..
suddenly i realize i that i have been calling out
& that i am waiting
for an answer too

baby birds in nests-
eggs needing to be warm
& wind
ripping through like we are on a mountain top..
country birds have to act like alpine falcons..
thus
my story.

the wind rips through me.
i hold on.
i am scared
of coldness
silence ever long.
-recognizing my own simple needs
and waiting for nature
to nurture
me.

i am a child again-
starting over in this spring of light and warmth and growth.
tender
and here

listening

comme l'eau

JUST LIKE THE WATER...
the sweetest thing ive ever known... is kisses on collar bone..

pleasure

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

just in

just got in--- tulips on the table... 7 rooms- all waiting at once.
i sit in the kitchen (my comfortable place...) and type.

TYPE

type something you long to know...

mud

i can tell it is spring
i want to change everything
my own taproot is shooting straight down towards the center of the earth.
it is raining
i am barefoot in mud.
cold
partially frozen mud.
and it feels good-

i feel the trees about to burst into flowers and leaves-
just as i feel my heart bursting with new growth.
there are living roots under my bare feet!
there is life in these sticks next to me!
aha! spring!


i have had lots of alone time.. such a relief.
i have been perfectly placed- just enough pain.. just enough effort.. just enough sacrifice.. and then
joy.

i love you/me

poopy pants

dumped.
that's how i feel.
down in the dumps-
like i have been floating between reality and fantasy for some time- maybe my whole life- and the warm air current of expectation just pushed me along- till i got to the end of the tunnel- and landed on my ass.
now i am nestled only by reality- with fantasy dancing over my head- each time i reach for it to lift me up, a wild octopus bird jellyfish unicorn slaps my hand away.

from down here i can feel the huge void in my life- in my family- like a helium balloon in my belly pushing up on my diaphragm- i cant fill it- it is full already of grief and disappointment- all i can do is just wait for it to dissipate.

it will be done

it will be done soon

this waiting will be over
these fears will subside

you will look at me and be able to see me
and i will see you

it will be done
on earth as in heaven
into one
and resolved
for now.

after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!

2010

bizarre
and crazy that i can remember so many...
here we are AGAIN>>>
(i am sneezing.. so much so ---
happy new year to you & you & you & you & you...

nearly new

its late-
i cant sleep-
but have to rise early..
it's nearly the new year--
2010-CRAZY
- 10 years since the millennium fury,
20 years since i was 13 (which is clear as a bell-),
28 years since prince sang 1999,
and 30 years since i was 3...
to be three...

kismet turns 3 on Monday-
strange- to think though, that this is actually my fourth winter there (at kismet)-- i remember three winters already passing, and can see myself there- looking out of the back door at the snow piling up each time.. and i wonder- am i growing? does me staying here (the longest i have stayed anywhere) mean me growing wiser, or me growing stagnant? (maybe if i stay put i will find out??? our should i lean and reach and stand up walking some place further?)

-
i crave evolution
i want so much more than the face value of all of this...
i want the puzzle to come together.
i want the work, the strive, the hunt and find- and i want to capture all of it- like a flower press, like a water color, like a classic recipe, like a song in three part round harmony, and i want to fit in in in in...

new year.
same me
i'll wait
and see....