this too is true

i have given myself to you
and taken you
whole
hungerly
and without reason.
your everything
holding my everything
your whispers
answering my questions
movement and stillness
opening and closing

each time
i too
have been amazed by our closeness
despite the
distance
& the
shredded fantasies
of the future
we both abandoned ages ago


and
even with every light on
what should seem reckless
careless
or shameful
looks remarkably
pure
without a single promise
scope of clarity
direction
or distance.
i can let go now.
  & so can you

be well on that journey
may the wind be at your back.

xx

we could have done better

the last few weeks I been moping around 

foolishly missing my teapot-

functional, stainless steel-

but when i saw it sitting on your new stove

in your new apartment

in the picture you posted on facebook

i knew..

i could do better.

******

the first night we kissed, 

I was overindulged & unable to drive my car.

i was in the midst of the deepest mourning of my life,

and i didnt even know it.

you took my shirt off

kissed me on your knees

looked into my eyes with fascination and desire

it felt good to be looked at like that

to be wanted

despite how much grief i was carrying.

I went home, 

slept in my jacket, on my bed without sheets.

and woke knowing what i looked like.
saw my home as it was- 
destroyed..

embarrassed, 
I knew-

I could have done better.

you asked me on a date and I accepted

feeling unusually nervous. 

i told my friends that i felt like you were going to bail-

you gave me the wrong address to your house,

i got caught in a moment of my own prediction coming true.

but then when i arrived

you had made lamb

polenta

 & bourbon

you wore that green shirt with little stripes

and asked me if i wanted a boyfriend.

i laughed;

 obviously  a NO;

went home,
keeping our date a secret.  

your attention felt nice, 

You are interesting and

i was turned on by your 

kisses-
your desire 

but your house was a mess

you had a bad reputation 

and my friends told me that i could do better.

I got you a cookbook for your birthday

chez panisse

fruit. 

we tried to make love

of course, i got pregnant.

On the day i went for the scheduled

termination

you made other plans

and i sat in the grass and wrote in my journal

all about how i wished that

i could have done better.

A whole year later

after those times you cheated on me

and broke my heart

and lied to me,

I convinced myself that trusting you

was the best medicine for our relationship.

we moved in together

and i set about “bettering” things.

like your habits

and the children’s habits

and your parenting

and your nutrition. 

and a year went by of me finding

endless amounts of things to better.

I could do better

and i would, for everyone’s sake.

In my mind,

i was problem solving,

identifying and 

mending conflicts-

marching down a path to the golden pedestal I yearned to be placed on.

i could do better, damn it

and i continued to push myself

to do just that.

I would be patient while

others broke down around me

i would be confident when others were unsure

i would be prepared,

generous, capable and able to contribute

no matter what sort of crisis I felt within or around me.

I would control myself, 

keep myself from slamming doors, 

storming out, calling names, making threats, running away.

Even when you exploded at  me

even when you told me you were done with me

i didnt believe you.

and no matter how mad i was at you

for all those times you failed to assert yourself,

for all the weirdnesses, 

the depression, the lack of communication, the lack of appreciation, 

I would have done anything you asked me to do.

“I could do better” i pleaded

then you were gone.

and now,

it’s me

in a shell of a home we made together

thinking about you

and so confused.

i feel discarded &

disrespected.
i am so angry

i want a peaceful world

a peaceful home

a partner who relishes in my strengths.
its so confusing to want you back
to still believe that you are 
who i want-
so i want you out --
knowing 
& telling myself

that

i can do better.

be well
and let go
xxoo

i had thoughts about straw bale
& open air pavilions
i envisioned a path that lead to the ocean
felt your hand on my back-
felt you reach into me through my heart
& that feeling of you
behind me-firm & stable,
is still with me
thank god-
despite everything.

really long time

each day

each moment

each sip of water, ray of light, drop of rain

each stress

each joy

all adds up

to what is

my entire life.

i feel a growth

coming on

something from within

a ring in my central hardwood

core

and an acceptance

unlike any other time

to look at my fingers

and my own face

in my reflection

and see myself

to know myself

is monumental.

i look at you

and see you

seeing me

i am the one with arms folded at the end of the bed

black shirt

red tired eyes

thinking of peggy

thinking of us

thinking of the past

the future

the children

the work

talking talking talking talking talking--

you are the one lying down

looking cozy

smiling now

easy

sweet

soft &

so uncomfortable

at the same time

hello again.. xxoo

hello

soo much happens in each day- these long long long days-

kismet

ahh,

sweet kismet

is strong today

thanks to the support and love

of this community..

and now

i am a steward

a host

to the 27 employees

the 45 menu options

my children

and this town

my work is cut out for me

i am clear

and understand the job

so here i go

finding my fire

after the flood

and

diving in

to the surrender

that kismet requires

and kismet

means

everything

returned

ok.

it was in the midst of a tiny moment that i realized that i occupy 2 of the most challenging careers.. single mother of 2 with 2 separate dads, and untrained chef restaurant owner..

oops. guess someone was a little ambitious...

so far.

in this moment, there is nothing more that i crave than a room to myself- fresh air, sunlight, warm with the breeze of fresh quiche, and filled with the thankfulness of knowing all is in order.

family close.

house a home.

joy.

feeling pretty low- steeping in the marrow of memories. one year ago- where were we then? saying hello- saying goodbye

one year.

one year. can be so little in hind sight, but a year- a whole year- awake, pushing, working, changing- yet, it is suddenly so much.. and like so many other times, i am in awe.

Synchronisity.

memories.

dreams.

spring is on its way.

i am so incredibly nostalgic- all of the years are lined up and stacked up and the energy is multiplied.

lucky me.

happy new year dear.

long long days these have been..

as if i have been standing in the same room for the last five months-- I know that there is a world going on- i get big mouthful tastes of it from time to time, but in here-- in here is where i live now..

i have taken a step. not sure exactly what direction it registers, but in my mind, on a compass it is exactly center..

i have not seen sunlight in months.

i barely see my children.

i dont remember when the last time i did laundry was.

talking on the phone now is always painful.

i am hardly EVER present.

yet.

i am happy,

i think.

so proud to watch and be part of little miracles. gastronomical chemistry, to be in love amidst it all.

to be adopted by it all.

to find the words to ask for what i want.

clearly.

i enter this new year with so many questions, so many memories, so much on my plate- but aware of myself more than ever.

not enough time EVER to address the things i want to address.

but hear me now-

i am thankful.

and hopeful

and working my ass off

to believe that

eventually,

it all comes back together.

xxoo

just more

watching myself aging now.. my energy is less scattered- i feel more focused, but i look at myself and see i woman i am still longing to know..

being a girl was easy...

i stretch my shoulders back and my chest pops open... my heart is growing..

i take a shower and put all of my things in my bag- and look at my babies= children now... we touch on adolescence- everyday it get's closer... and at the same time, my own gets further away...

hot hot hot sun lately.

all day and keeps getting hotter.. i love it, but am so aware of time speeding up... how does 4 months go by so quickly, and yet, feel like a year or more? i keep trying to make more time for myself, and have been able too, but at the same (exact same) moment, i am conflicted because i feel like i am abandoning something else i have to do..

saw a video of myself and moses... HOLY #$*)*&# !! we are growing up! i looked like a woman, and he like a pre-pubescent boy.... my baby is 11! and i am now 33.... & i am lost for the words to describe how amazing and abstract all of that is..

swim today.

with sadie

and the boys

and jay

and friends...

watching myself be seen as i gently navigate through these days...

SO GOOD to have witness..

oh- hey- well then

there have been so many things on my mind lately... the earth is shifting; & so am i..

the earth is on fire- enraged- in war-- & so am I... and at the SAME TIME- the earth around me is moist and dank (& so am I) , full of spring (& so am I) and promising fear and fortune (so am I...)..

too long since i have written.

the berries grew too quickly-- it has been hard to catch up..

"i have missed you-

flame that feeds my flame.;

i have missed us;

the constance of us.

and i have worked so hard to show you

that i am good-

i am real-

i am as honest as i can

be.

i feel you moving away from me though-

like the heat of that early march sun-

now cold

(i have flannel sheets again)-

Dont ask me to stay close then drift afar-

please no

i am HERE

and really--

that is all that i can promise..

i might wake you

your golden brow

kiss your cheek, touch your edgy sleep-

or i may just wake and feel our distance.

anyway.

there are seconds here that i count....

spring will be back again- right?"

"

moving on into the new day now-