hello again

New day in mommy land

2011-08-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

hello again.. xxoo

2011-06-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

hello

soo much happens in each day- these long long long days-

kismet

ahh,

sweet kismet

is strong today

thanks to the support and love

of this community..

and now

i am a steward

a host

to the 27 employees

the 45 menu options

my children

and this town

my work is cut out for me

i am clear

and understand the job

so here i go

finding my fire

after the flood

and

diving in

to the surrender

that kismet requires

and kismet

means

everything

returned

ok.

2011-05-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

it was in the midst of a tiny moment that i realized that i occupy 2 of the most challenging careers.. single mother of 2 with 2 separate dads, and untrained chef restaurant owner..

oops. guess someone was a little ambitious...

so far.

2011-02-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

in this moment, there is nothing more that i crave than a room to myself- fresh air, sunlight, warm with the breeze of fresh quiche, and filled with the thankfulness of knowing all is in order.

family close.

house a home.

joy.

feeling pretty low- steeping in the marrow of memories. one year ago- where were we then? saying hello- saying goodbye

one year.

one year. can be so little in hind sight, but a year- a whole year- awake, pushing, working, changing- yet, it is suddenly so much.. and like so many other times, i am in awe.

Synchronisity.

memories.

dreams.

spring is on its way.

i am so incredibly nostalgic- all of the years are lined up and stacked up and the energy is multiplied.

lucky me.

2010-12-31T23:07:00.001-08:00

happy new year dear.

long long days these have been..

as if i have been standing in the same room for the last five months-- I know that there is a world going on- i get big mouthful tastes of it from time to time, but in here-- in here is where i live now..

i have taken a step. not sure exactly what direction it registers, but in my mind, on a compass it is exactly center..

i have not seen sunlight in months.

i barely see my children.

i dont remember when the last time i did laundry was.

talking on the phone now is always painful.

i am hardly EVER present.

yet.

i am happy,

i think.

so proud to watch and be part of little miracles. gastronomical chemistry, to be in love amidst it all.

to be adopted by it all.

to find the words to ask for what i want.

clearly.

i enter this new year with so many questions, so many memories, so much on my plate- but aware of myself more than ever.

not enough time EVER to address the things i want to address.

but hear me now-

i am thankful.

and hopeful

and working my ass off

to believe that

eventually,

it all comes back together.

xxoo

just more

2010-07-07T23:23:00.001-07:00

watching myself aging now.. my energy is less scattered- i feel more focused, but i look at myself and see i woman i am still longing to know..

being a girl was easy...

i stretch my shoulders back and my chest pops open... my heart is growing..

i take a shower and put all of my things in my bag- and look at my babies= children now... we touch on adolescence- everyday it get's closer... and at the same time, my own gets further away...

hot hot hot sun lately.

all day and keeps getting hotter.. i love it, but am so aware of time speeding up... how does 4 months go by so quickly, and yet, feel like a year or more? i keep trying to make more time for myself, and have been able too, but at the same (exact same) moment, i am conflicted because i feel like i am abandoning something else i have to do..

saw a video of myself and moses... HOLY #$*)*&# !! we are growing up! i looked like a woman, and he like a pre-pubescent boy.... my baby is 11! and i am now 33.... & i am lost for the words to describe how amazing and abstract all of that is..

swim today.

with sadie

and the boys

and jay

and friends...

watching myself be seen as i gently navigate through these days...

SO GOOD to have witness..

oh- hey- well then

2010-06-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

there have been so many things on my mind lately... the earth is shifting; & so am i..

the earth is on fire- enraged- in war-- & so am I... and at the SAME TIME- the earth around me is moist and dank (& so am I) , full of spring (& so am I) and promising fear and fortune (so am I...)..

too long since i have written.

the berries grew too quickly-- it has been hard to catch up..

"i have missed you-

flame that feeds my flame.;

i have missed us;

the constance of us.

and i have worked so hard to show you

that i am good-

i am real-

i am as honest as i can

be.

i feel you moving away from me though-

like the heat of that early march sun-

now cold

(i have flannel sheets again)-

Dont ask me to stay close then drift afar-

please no

i am HERE

and really--

that is all that i can promise..

i might wake you

your golden brow

kiss your cheek, touch your edgy sleep-

or i may just wake and feel our distance.

anyway.

there are seconds here that i count....

spring will be back again- right?"

moving on into the new day now-

2010-04-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

spring has been long--
& I've been making the most of it.. sun on skin at 6 am- birds singing through open windows-- sun- sixties- and scents of spring...
THEN SNOW
so big and deep and thick and .. cold.

i lay in bed yesterday listening to one phoebe singing out- and no answer..
i woke to it-
my own anxiety-
saying: ANSWER-
i thought... ANSWER-

i know that place..
suddenly i realize i that i have been calling out
& that i am waiting
for an answer too

baby birds in nests-
eggs needing to be warm
& wind
ripping through like we are on a mountain top..
country birds have to act like alpine falcons..
thus
my story.

the wind rips through me.
i hold on.
i am scared
of coldness
silence ever long.
-recognizing my own simple needs
and waiting for nature
to nurture
me.

i am a child again-
starting over in this spring of light and warmth and growth.
tender
and here

listening

comme l'eau

2010-04-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

JUST LIKE THE WATER...
the sweetest thing ive ever known... is kisses on collar bone..

pleasure

2010-04-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,

But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.

For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,

And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,

And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.

just in

2010-04-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

just got in--- tulips on the table... 7 rooms- all waiting at once.
i sit in the kitchen (my comfortable place...) and type.

TYPE

type something you long to know...

mud

2010-03-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

i can tell it is spring
i want to change everything
my own taproot is shooting straight down towards the center of the earth.
it is raining
i am barefoot in mud.
cold
partially frozen mud.
and it feels good-

i feel the trees about to burst into flowers and leaves-
just as i feel my heart bursting with new growth.
there are living roots under my bare feet!
there is life in these sticks next to me!
aha! spring!

i have had lots of alone time.. such a relief.
i have been perfectly placed- just enough pain.. just enough effort.. just enough sacrifice.. and then
joy.

i love you/me

poopy pants

2010-02-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

dumped.
that's how i feel.
down in the dumps-
like i have been floating between reality and fantasy for some time- maybe my whole life- and the warm air current of expectation just pushed me along- till i got to the end of the tunnel- and landed on my ass.
now i am nestled only by reality- with fantasy dancing over my head- each time i reach for it to lift me up, a wild octopus bird jellyfish unicorn slaps my hand away.

from down here i can feel the huge void in my life- in my family- like a helium balloon in my belly pushing up on my diaphragm- i cant fill it- it is full already of grief and disappointment- all i can do is just wait for it to dissipate.

it will be done

2010-01-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

it will be done soon

this waiting will be over
these fears will subside

you will look at me and be able to see me
and i will see you

it will be done
on earth as in heaven
into one
and resolved
for now.

2010-01-03T18:06:00.000-08:00

after a few hours being home, I find my way to my office- when I first come in, it's like i am sitting in a poorly organized closet- i am scared to look at the piles of paper too closely, scared i might discover another disappointment, or another task waiting urgently to be cared for.
I am tired- and realizing that i may be more confused than i have given myself credit for.
staring at the keys- wanting to write about the ease at which i float through the constant work and jobs- about how each day lately, it seems like the world just feels more and more complex- and yet so abundantly physical-
the Internet, the communication devices, the media, all of it has just sort of permeated my life- there are few casual moments anymore- we all are asking ourselves and each other to be more organized, more punctual, more instantaneous, more beautiful, more unique, more more more more more-- and at a touch of a key, i can locate just about anyone- i can see their face- we can even look at each other and talk LIVE ONLINE-
i want to write about how much this scares me- scares me that despite all of the tools, i might still not be able to make it all come together-- all those times i said- "i wish i could just see so & so"- well, now i can- and i dont even feel very present to be able to do so...
im tired and feeling small-- can you tell?

tomato soup and grilled cheese
- of course, it being vermont in the midst of the "new" localvore mainstream movement- even this meal is full of manipulation- we have organic house roasted tomato soup with brown rice tortillas crisped and topped with melted raw goat's milk jack... and it soothes us-
right?

when i get all heavy like this, i think of Raina-

she would always kind of sit back and listen, then laugh at me and make some sort of comment about how i always stress out about things i dont need to- i think i agreed with her- and still do when she visits my dreams and my illusions- and yet, at the same time, our relationship kind of represents the constant conflict i have internally battled with-

how to be aware, present, productive, powerful, and promoting good change in this world while also having fun, being silly, allowing light, ease, joy, and love into my everyday world, and living the rich and sensuous life i long for. this is and has been my constant dilemma. grilled cheese and tomato soup? that should be easy- warm and totally comforting- but for me, like everything else- it is complicated and riddled with "shoulds" and "coulds".

how different am i from everyone else in this way?
the happy bride and groom who will marry this spring or next- the woman waiting to birth and become mother- the guy making burgers at the gas station- my own parents?- my advisers- my customers- my employees-- we're all the same, i think, and yet- we are fated to live out the paradox that life requires of us-

blah.
i want a miracle.
i want to wake up and know exactly what the right thing to do is
then do it
and i want to witness myself having a whole lifetime of that.
restaurant- no restaurant-
single mom- not single mom
own a house-rent an apartment
change careers- dont change careers
become a hermit-dont become hermit
neglect my boxes of random things- ignore my boxes of random things...

take down the christmas tree??

yikes!

2010

2009-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

bizarre
and crazy that i can remember so many...
here we are AGAIN>>>
(i am sneezing.. so much so ---
happy new year to you & you & you & you & you...

nearly new

2009-12-19T21:31:00.000-08:00

its late-
i cant sleep-
but have to rise early..
it's nearly the new year--
2010-CRAZY
- 10 years since the millennium fury,
20 years since i was 13 (which is clear as a bell-),
28 years since prince sang 1999,
and 30 years since i was 3...
to be three...

kismet turns 3 on Monday-
strange- to think though, that this is actually my fourth winter there (at kismet)-- i remember three winters already passing, and can see myself there- looking out of the back door at the snow piling up each time.. and i wonder- am i growing? does me staying here (the longest i have stayed anywhere) mean me growing wiser, or me growing stagnant? (maybe if i stay put i will find out??? our should i lean and reach and stand up walking some place further?)

-
i crave evolution
i want so much more than the face value of all of this...
i want the puzzle to come together.
i want the work, the strive, the hunt and find- and i want to capture all of it- like a flower press, like a water color, like a classic recipe, like a song in three part round harmony, and i want to fit in in in in...

new year.
same me
i'll wait
and see....

arizona

2009-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

at 3 am on saturday morning, while everyone i knew was asleep somewhere in the world, i woke, and drove myself to the Burlington airport to fly to arizona. At 4 something am I boarded a tiny tiny propeller plane to fly to Philadelphia- only to exit the "aircraft" 30 minutes later because of engine failure on the runway (i had a bad feeling about that plane from the moment i saw it so i was relieved to return to the airport!)- 10 minutes later i was rerouted and put on a larger plane to Washington dc. at 3:30 pm vermont time, i arrived in arizona and was quickly in the entrance way and arms of my grandmother...
i have spent the last three mornings doing yoga in the 60 degree sun and the last 3 afternoons and evenings with my grandmother. she is 80 (but looks 65) and has the energy and spirit of a young woman. I am enamoured by her- and always have been- so to be in her presence, and to be in her home, I am full of both pride and humility. I have always enjoyed her company, since my first visits to see her as a child, as well as in my adult life- our times together have been a treat and each as memorable as the first time i flew across the country at 8 in my yellow dress and sun hat- my grandmother is the closest link i have to my birth father, whom I feel very deeply connected to- and at the same time, I am her closest link to him- on top of all of that, we are naturally very similar in our "ways"-
Being with my grandmother is hard to describe-
i am now and have always been so curious about her- she has fantastic style, amazingly adventurous and mysterious stories of her travels and experiences, and she is the most devoted and clear person I have ever met. She loves clearly, consciously, and deliberately- she is disciplined and determined to enjoy her life the fullest, and does so in a way that makes it seem easy, and somewhat enviously so. And when I am with her, for me, my life feels whole and complete in a way that is impossible to describe in just a few words.
Because I owe many of my "firsts" to experiences I had with my grandmother (and grandfather too), I do think of her often- when cutting into a steak, i think of her showing me how to use a knife and fork properly- i think of her, and everything about that moment- the kitchen, the quoy pond beyond the sliding glass doors, the wedge of melon on my plate, the centerpiece on the table, the neatness of her hair, the light on the canvas hanging on the wall- and trust me-- each time i cut into a piece of food, i think of her. But when I am with her, it seems foolish to recount such little things-- especially, when I know that the reason I have coveted such mundane memories such as these, is because even as a child I felt that i was destined to know this woman. I studied her- i studied the way she decorated her house, the way she set a table, the way she dressed, the sort of things she liked to eat and drink, her posture, everything - how she brushed her teach with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide, how she exercised every day, how she let my grandfather dote on her, how she drank filtered room temperature water, how she spoke of her parents- the war- and how she maintained all of her relationships, even the most, regularly through letters and phone calls.. Some of my most fond memories are of her. I remember when I came to stay with her- each night there would be a gift under my pillow- something small, something simple- like a little candy or a jade stone- but each would be wrapped so perfectly, and so intricately-- i would be in my bed and she would say "how is your pillow?" and I would say "fine grandma"- and she would ask me if it was lumpy at all-- and i would say no- and she would say "look under it, i am sure it looks uncomfortable" and I would, and there the gift would be.... and i remember feeling so happy, so loved, and also so overwhelmed- and there she was looking at me, giggling- even as she does now still- with a look in her eye of complete and absolute love-

today my grandmother asked me to look through her things and pick out things i might like to have one day-- this caught me so off guard, and I cried.. she insisted that i really think about it and let her know- because, though she doesn't anticipate it coming soon, EVERYONE has an expiration... I looked around and felt so bizarre-- i don't like the thought of any of it being separated from each other-- for as long as i can remember her home as been as it is-- even before arizona-- i know she has carried many of these same things for such a long time, and they all belong together-- it's like a museum-

Today I brought a digital voice recorder and asked my grandmother to talk with me-- she agreed, but in return, I would have to cook lunch AND dinner!
we sat, and she talked for 3 hours! and, honestly, we could have sat for 300- she is so full of memories and with such clarity she tells these stories in her easy to listen to voice- stories of times i can only imagine- stories of a world that really doesn't exist anymore-

then, I cooked...

VERMONT MEALS TO HEAL THE SUNSOAKED ARIZONIAN

first meal at home:
(my grandmother's close friend, neighbor, and loved admirer has not been well, so i cooked some meals to both heal and entertain.. George could not have any vitamin K so, i left out all green vegetables)
VERMONT WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!
large whole organic chicken
{i cut out the back bone, then roasted it "spread eagle" (as grandma called it)}
i zested rind of fresh picked grapefruit
2 ounces chamomile tea (or sleepytime tea bag, opened and pored out)
1 table spoon course salt
1/4 table spoon course pepper
(i shoved all of the spices under the skin, and sprinkled a few on top and roasted in hot oven for just 30 minutes-- )

assorted root vegetables (parsnip, celeriac, purple potatoes, red potatoes, shallots)
cut and cubed, roasted with olive oil

acorn squash
cut in half, roasted seed side down, then turned over, filled with butter and maple and browned (YUMM)

salad
asian pear
granny smith
radish
fennel bulb
jicama
kolrabi
(above was spiral cut on a benriner)
blackberries
white balsamic
(blackberries and balsamic pureed with an immersion blender, then strained)
candied walnuts (garnish, whole)

lunch:
beyond simple- i brought an avocado, some salad greens and quinoa..

Salad:

quinoa
1/2 avocado
1 cup baby greens
drizzle olive oil
drizzle fresh lemon juice
drizzle tamari
tablespoon sunflower seeds

side of roasted edemame
side of roasted almonds with raisins

dinner-- night #2
(george's request....)
beef wellington.

1.5 lb fillet Mignon -2, 1"steaks, each cut in 1/2 (organic)
1/4 lb assorted mushrooms
3 tbs Madeira wine
6 tbs duck pate
1/8 inch thick puff pastry, 12x 12- (usually freshly made, but if frozen, make sure to thaw in advance)

1 bunch baby carrots with greens
9 baby potatoes
1/4 cup fresh peas

butter (of course)

(as I told my grandmother today, beef wellington is very simple-- it's just very expensive..)
so if you want to spend $20 per person to cook this AT HOME --go for it-- it's really not that hard and can be prepared in just under 1 and 1/2 hours.

(SIMPLE STEPS)

season both sides of meat with salt and pepper as well as olive oil-- let it sit out for about 1/2 hour to get to room temp
roughly chop mushrooms, then blitz in food processor, add some dried forest mushrooms for depth
sear the steak 1 minute each side HIGH HEAT (set aside)
put mushroom goo to the hot steak pan, saute for about 5-8 minutes (you will see water coming out, which is good-- water sogs pastry you know-) add wine, saute 3- 4 minutes longer until dry and fragrant, add a little salt- turn off heat.
cut puff pastry in large squares (about 2" wider on each side of a fillet)
rub with egg wash (scrambled up egg- UNCOOKED)
place fillet on center of each pastry square
top with about 1 tbs pate
top pate with 1/4 of mushroom mixture
fold up pastry and seal around meat and mushroom bundle
cover in egg wash
sprinkle salt
sprinkle pepper
cook for about 8-10 minutes at 425 ( or until a meat thermometer reads 145 for med rare)-

(of course the baby potatoes were roasting this whole time you were preparing the wellington --so they roasted about 30 minutes at 425

and for the carrots ?

peal, then steam for only about 4 minutes-

drain all water, add peas, a smidgen of butter, and let it do it's thing until ready to serve..

and now...

vanilla ice cream with just made preserved grapefruit!

just made preserve grapefruit:

fresh picked kitchen window grapefruit

2 star anise

1/4 cupe sugar

2 cups water

boil water, sugar, anise for about 15 minutes

add thinnly sliced pink grapefruit

add 1 tbs vanilla (or even better, 1 pod vanill bean, cut in 1/2)

reduce heat to med,

simmer 10 minutes,

pour in mason jar and can or refridgerate

makes yummy tarts and also good under chicken....

brusselsprout and sausage soup

2009-11-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

i made brussel sprout and sausage soup last night- layered the potatoes, onions, garlic and sauasage then tossed on the whole brussel sprouts in the crock pot.. i put it inmy fridge and this morning woke, took a showere, and put the whole bundle in the crockpot contraption, added water, set it on high and left for my full wednesday (monday my world)..
work was busy-
no news
went to therapy and talked about god and spirit and gurus and india
went to pick up fela from day care then talked to sara--
big sobs
chloe was hit by a car and was dead..
chloe is our wee dog-
we got her as a gift from my sister for moses's tenth birthday and have all been acclimating and falling in love with her since..
i picked up fela, and sat both kids in the car and told them....
the rest of the night was sad
sad and full and real

i dished up the soup i had made and we all sat there trying to eat, but not being able to.
the soup was aweful anyway..
i dont even know what could have tasted good then
we were all just sitting there in our own loss-
fela wanted to make everyone feel better but also kept saying "i feel sad for chloe" just like he had three weeks ago when raina passsed-- we ate dinner and he kept saying "i feel sad for raina"....
this has been a hard month.. and winter is still on her way..

i will not make brusselsprout soup again
ever.

order out pizza

2009-11-07T19:13:00.000-08:00

it's been a long year- but fast and full and intense-
monumentis
Michael Jackson died
and Raina
and my parents were divorced
and so so so much more
weddings
events
divorces
separations
and aging..

i have been roasting chickens to ground myself
making soup with roasted bones and teaching the kids how to make mashed potatoes and gravy..
but carrying around dreams all the while of other pleasures-- like room service
and vacations
and stability.
today i receive pizza delivery
mushroom and cheese
and play scrabble with moses (he doesn't want my help and still scores only 30 points less than me without me cutting him a break).
it's Saturday in this part of the world- but i am living in a Thursday bubble--- it has been three years and i am still trying to figure out how to best manage my work week.

went to the black door while moses and i were waiting for our laundry to dry-
i ordered fries and seltzer for moses and Mathew delivered us a plate of hand cut Montpelier frites and his salad special of the evening. I sat amidst a group of 50 something montpelierites and ate this beautiful (but hard to describe in an appetizing way) salad-- with my hands.. the bar tender (soon to be my property manager, i hope) neglected to deliver silverware and so i at the watermelon radish/walnut/winter green/ bacon/cheddar salad dressed in rosemary infused pink grapefruit juice piece by piece... and was thankful that i knew to enjoy it without the fork... i think it probably tastes batter that way anyway-- just like pizza quickly delivered and eaten on the comfort of my living room floor...

one day

2009-11-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

and now

it's november

cold wet dark and... just so november

there's this eerie-ness about it- this silent sort of waiting- like everyone is secretly loving and internally celebrating how "warm" it still is, we are silent in it-- not too comfortable with it- just loving it silently- it's kind of like a slow peaceful death-- we know it is meant to be, we anticipate it coming, but we are quietly singing inside for each ray of warm sunlight.

i have been in an odd place-

somewhere between here and there

somewhere between happy and sad

a place i can only compare to a watchtower.. i am watching- watching my life span on-unfolding-children growing- white hairs forming- butt sagging- and yet, stillness... my financial situation is recovering v e r y s l o w l y

and my evolution feels minor,

and my reality feels skewed

i have been going in and out of each day and each day's little dramas, and all the while determining time marked by raina-s passing.

i remember what we had for dinner the night she died

i remember the first hour after she passed

i remember the hours of the next day

days

and these last two weeks.

i remember even yesterday as if it is a memory blended in

going to her house

going through her clothes

picking things

sitting with her mother

wanting to tell her that i didn't really want just STUFF, i wanted the freedom to remember her and know her however i wanted... i wanted to reach my hands in and scoop out the essential essence of her and make something beautiful out of it..

i wonder if i am numb

if i am trying too hard to translate this metaphor

but she keeps coming to me

and it all makes so much sense-

and everything else seems to be put into perspective..

what is this??

where is my tribe?

what am i doing besides coping?

what do i do now?

wake up

feel skin on muscle on bone

operate this heavy machine

yield

and move with grace.

and keep on trying

each day as if it were new

and keep on pushing

this body and mind

to have a breakthrough.

because i am lonely

and will always be

but still i am connected

to the sacred geometry

you

of you and her and him and that and this

story...

what if i stop and ask myself what i am doing?

and the answer is "i don't know?"

what if i stop and ask myself what i am feeling

and the answer is "i want to go"

what if i stop and wait for what i need

would the light burn through the fog to

shine on this seed?

until then

i will cope with dire straits

by maintaining my limited faith and

preening my self esteem and

remembering clearly all that brought me to this place.

my muscles will be strong

and i will lye down in the fear i know, knowing that i will know more

one day.

she's gone

2009-10-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

it's been dark, cold and rainy for more than a week- but today the sun came out, it was almost 60 and it felt like spring- and then, as if she was waiting for a break in the clouds, she slipped out of the cells of her own body and floated away..
safe travels raina star..
i love you

transition

2009-10-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

moving into winter--reluctantly- hesitantly- but resolved.

days spent thinking of Raina- in her hospital bed in h er room at home- her mother there tending to her as her new born.. her family and friends all busy being there-- and then me trying to be helpful and present, gathering memories for teo and mike and for them all. I am riddled with grief- and anxiety- nervous that i may make things worse- worried that i could do something MORE but am oblivious to what it is.
my friend is dying- and though she could look at me and look like she has important things to tell me, i am still unsure about what she wants.. and it is winter i feel coming- silence- peace of snow on branches- but we are actually still here in transition.
dont really know, have no idea..

RAINA

2009-09-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

its so hard to get on-

and BE in the moment-

MY head is heavy with thoughts--

raina

QUEEN

MATEO

prince

MICHAEL ANGELO

BETH

WENDY & JOHN

it's like a story

deep sigh-

i am filled with it;

riddled.

my heart is broken

2009-09-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

my heart is broken
I've been crying for days
i try to think of other things
but the thoughts return-the grief remains
my heart is broken
when i look at her
-broken
brain muddled, split apart, shattered, sewn shut
i see her trapped inside
i want to touch her
but she is too far away

everyone knows now
what i feared two years ago when she was diagnosed with brain cancer-
that this is forever
that this is really deep
and dark
and not like the light Raina being we knew

my heart is broken
because my fears have become true
she is here
but not able to join us
and no one really knows what
will happen next

doesn't look good
but we
believe
in
miracles..,
we believe
in love
and the queen.

2009-09-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

Grandma-
your last message came in mid july-
i have written a couple of times, but have heard nothing.. I hope that you are ok, and that your george is recovering.
My life is overwhelmingly busy and especially so at the moment- i am ending my partnership with my business partner, expanding the restaurant, and both boys have begun school (fela is in kindergarten!!). I am doing WAY too much for one person, but at this point, really see no other way, there is really no one else but me..
I hope to have a break in november, and am looking at tickets then (not to get your hopes up, as i know i have been trying to visit for a while), but it has been TOO long, and i am ready to just figure out a way.
I wish there were words for how much i miss you. I am missing you all of the time. all of the time. i love vermont, and i love you, i wish i could have both.

i want to know everything-- EVERYTHING
have you been writing? i know at one time charles cohn was encouraging you to write your memoirs-- and i too, have been waiting for your words and all of the details for some time.. what can you tell me?

it is cooling off here now- and fall is approaching, and winter on it's way. I am not ready, and honestly, if fela's dad wasnt so committed to being here, i would move somewhere else-- somewhere warmer--- thinking of mexico.. but i do feel kind of stuck and committed here for at least the next 9 years.. seems like such a long time, but looking at moses (and even my own reflection) i know that that will fly by. At the same time, as i get older, I am seeing that time is there kind of singing--
As i wrote previously, my very close friend raina has been suffering from brain cancer for the last two years, and (in my "spare time") i have been visiting her. It is overwhelming, and intense- as you know. Last night i went to visit her, and she was speechless. It was so hard and sad to see her this way, as i felt like there was so much she wanted to tell me, and so much i wanted to know, but couldnt ask--and all day i have been thinking about her. We are only a week apart in age, her son and my moses think of each other as brothers (you met MIKE- my boyfriend years ago- he and raina birthed teo together, and i was there with them through the pregnancy and birth and these years that have passed have kept us very close). Being with raina brings so much up for me- so often i feel so tender after being with her, and unable to communicate myself, as well.
But today, i had to try again to connect with you- because i feel you with me all of the time (and my dad, victor too), and lately, really, more than ever. maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the years-- but i am longing, really deeply longing, to sit with you and see your smile..

with tears in my eyes, and 3000 miles between us-
i am sending you love like a river flowing from my heart to yours.

i need you in my life
crystal

2009-09-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

its kind of embarrassing how many different foods i cooked today.. it;s harvest time in vermont, it's wedding time too-- we've got all sorts of odds & ends crammed in our fridge-- but- something is missing...
can you guess it?
alanna.. where are you?

2009-09-04T22:32:00.001-07:00

hello...where are you???

i trust that no-one reads this blog by now. except you, and a couple (literally 2) other's i give this address to... so-- why have you not written?
i am almost desperate now.
dont ignore me.
i am fading
with exhaustion
from this tiring silence.
write something .

something
is better than nothing
at all.

dad-
come on- i'm missing you.

dad

2009-08-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

dad

this is my dad-..
my birth father died when i was 3months old (when he was in his mid-late 20's) and my mom brought Terence to meet us when i was in kindergarten.. I loved him immediately- he laughed sincerely and was tall and lean and available in ways i had never know a grown man to be. he made fun of us- but in ways that we deserved- and when he and my mom got serious (after three months or so) he told her they would have to get married if they were going to stay to gather-- because (as he told me) he was getting attached to us kids and wanted us all to feel safe to be attached together-- i remember when they told us they would marry- we were staying in a winter cabin near Bradford VT and went for a hike in the winter woods.. we were a bit lost so Terence climbed a tree to look out over the snow.. it was when he came down (in my memory) that they told us they would marry. the next day we went looking for houses in they area because they had decided to marry and move to Vermont....
i was ecstatic (it took my sister some years and much convincing)- and all through the wedding planning/dress buying/packing/ and arranging, i was openly happy. SO much so that on the wedding day (after throwing daisies at all the fashionable late 70's hippy guests), i drank champagne and passed out-- the next day (still happy) searched for Easter eggs and watched the uhaul being packed in the front driveway on moss street..
over the years, as i grew and life became more complex and i began to contemplate the depths of my own story, i watched from a sort of adolescent distance as my father (as he had become) and i grew closer through music, literature, poetry, and love. I respected him - and was the only man for years that i truly thought i knew.

having children has definitely changed my relationships to my parents-- my mother whom i tortured and was tortured by became an object of admiration; and my father whom i trusted and depended on became distant and unreliable.. Over the last ten years, i have had a few conflicts with each and them together, and watched as they naturally and finally took their leave from each other. I have watched them each now for the last year as they both struggle to redefine themselves, and have suffered from their pains as they heal from the years spent unhappily together.. despite my compassion- i have sat in a sort of silence unknown to us-- i have not spoken to my "dad" in almost 2 months- he has been sick but has not talked to me about it. He has not answered my emails with any sort of clarity about promised he made to moses or to me-- the summer is nearly over and i feel shaken and sad- because for the last two months i have been mourning the loss of my dad-- again.

what happens- when the children become parents and the parents become children?

2009-08-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

ive been sitting at my computer for nearly 4 hours-- the odd thing is (to me too) is that i have been looking forward to this time all day.. it is only 7:45 and i am so done though-- i want it to be sunny again, like it was, three hours ago--
my back hurts, my eyes burn and i am beat.
i miss yoga

2009-08-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

i am sitting here stranded though doing my best to deny it..

yet
there is nothing, really nothing to turn off...

RETURN
to me.

i love you--but

2009-07-28T21:06:00.002-07:00

it has been over a month since i spoke with my parents-

i live across the country from them and have been pretty self sufficient since i was 15.. but this silence bothers me.

i have given both my parents my blog address- nearly 2 years ago- thinking that if i wrote here, freely, it would give them (and everyone else who wanted to know) an opportunity to read and comment.. but there is still silence.

there may have been a time that silence was comforting- a bit of a relief, maybe- but with this year going as it has been, i feel a bit isolated and abandoned in this silence..

here we are..

each

alone

ofcourse we have no way of knowing how connected we really are unless we completely embody connection--

and do i?

still asking--- who is my dad?

who is my mom?

who is this guy who was my dad?

who am I?

what is this?

when will i know?

when is it too late?

my children are growing

i am their family-

i'm scared sometimes

because

i know

i'm just not enough---

dad..

mom..

where are you?

mom dad,

2009-07-28T21:06:00.001-07:00

2009-07-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

the days are moving quickly now-- and then, it will be another new year..
beside me in the photo is Raina-cute and sweet and silly- and there is me--skinny, tinny and suddenly aging-
but alas- this photo was from LAST YEAR, and more has passed..
i work all of the time (i am writing this blog at 2 am, after having woken at 6 am -yesterday?) it's kind of like driving cross country non-stop (which we do from time to time in our youth) only i don't feel like i really got anywhere..
ok.
crystal.
make it come together.
heal

get close

ground

summer in vermont in 2009 is kind of like having to pretend that we live somewhere else (while still living here)- like Seattle--or,,-----------washington oregon- or------------------ even in another hemisphere (it's like winter in new zealand right now..!)--
what will happen next?

click here

2009-07-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

click here...

sei la vei

2009-06-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

and then there is this..
32

12:15 am on Sunday night--
door slams and after everything-- this is it. this day--comes to THIS--
ahhhhh- but what is THIS?

mama says: do your best-- mama says "don't get sucked in to fear"

but this mama
this mama
is so scared...
she who walks out first.... wins?
looses?

32
mystery opening.
naked girls at the bar drinking tea (or coffee?)...
man who wants to fly

i am that man---
i am those girls-

naked,
crazy
exposed
open
and invisible--

and where are you???

my grandmother-
my father--
my partner--
my mother--
my SELF

ok
lets end open
happy
free

lets be us
like children
totally blank canvas
pink on green

i am yours to imagine..
but too i am scooping poop out of cracks-
such is life...

2009-04-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

its been too long- too much to say

love

vermont spring

love

silent dawn

"it's ok" i tell myself, to wake up this early0 and I wake-

alive and aware

and raw still from the day before

and then,

after watching it from my window, and breathing it all in (from my open window),

i go back to sleep- content and full

as iff

i just ate thanksgiving dinner-

and then

i oversleep my alarm..

poop

i throw clothes on

i open the door

and

YES

spring is waiting.

this is why california, mississippi, new zealand, australia, massachusettes and arizona couldnt keep me--

THIS is the reason to be alive-

children are happier here-

music is free-er here

food tastes better here (ofcourse)

and this-

to me

is home

skin my knee, skinny me

2009-03-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

its windy outside, and it's been way too long since ive written here... roast chicken and potatoes (again), but yearning for avocado salad and ... elementary school(?)..
wow-- the wind reminds me of the sea- i want to travel, i want for things to change, and be like how i thought they would be .. i know where the keys are, i know the flavors of spring, i remember my youth, and yet.. ultimately, I am HERE feeding roasted chicken to my children (me--- a mom?) AGAIN as we all yearn and wish and wait for it to come..
so much change in my life though, outside of what you might see looking in my window- so much that it is terrifying.. I am overwhelmed and still here, waiting for something within me to evolve. I keep reading and keep watching, and keep seeing myself re-act.. i am a slave to my ego-- it's crazy. i'm a slave to my children-- and i am an only part-way conscious being... i want more

more
more time to see raina- and teo
more time to make love and bask in this love that i have finally created
more money
money for mexico
money for ideas
money to get three or four pairs of shoes for my children
money to change the world for someone who has no money-
and i want joy..............
joy like the knowing (without doubt)
joy like the being (without fear)
joy like the making (without attachment).
i want the joy around me like the sun in the morning on my face-- though i squint and duck-
joy like today on the sidewalk on elm st.-- like it is in the summer.
i want more.

but i have this.
my love
my want
my fear
my hope
my perspective.

i have roast chicken leftovers in the fridge downstairs (soup tomorrow)
i have books to read (one day)
i have work to do.

i have me.

______________________________________________

ROAST CHICKEN FOR MARCH 11 (but feels like February 2)

finish work at 3:30
grab whole free range chicken ($12.00) from fridge and rinse clean
prepare chicken in the roasting pan (drizzle with oil, lemon juice, left-over home-made enchilada sauce or what-ever, dust evenly with salt and pepper)
dice 3 large local potatoes and throw in the pan around the chicken (drizzle with oil)
put in oven (uncovered) on 280 degrees and leave
drive to therapy (watch as it unfolds)
drive to pick up youngest child (watch at it unfolds!)
make errands
get home, help eldest with homework
6:00-- turn chicken up to 350 degrees for 15 minutes to crisp skin
turn off oven- listen to children fight, but guide them gently towards the bathroom to wash their hands for dinner
6:20 carve chicken (youngest likes the leg--adults get the breast in our house)
let cool on plate 10 min. while making sure hands are clean
drizzle meat and potatoes with pan sauce
add steamed cualiflowers and kale to plates (or something green)

thats it....

2009-02-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

winter feels endless... i cooked chicken again- fela will eat it joyfully, and moses will do his best- and its windy- 25degrees and there is 3 feet of snow in our yard..- the picture above was actually taken three months ago-- when winter was fresh and new- and here we are, one month from "spring" and we have more snow than you can imagine... in the above photo there is only 1 and 1/2 feet-- we now have twice that...

but, in our own world's bubble, it is the end of february, which means, that INEVITABLEY<>

took sara to the traint oday so she could head to nyc.. the tracks were covered with snow, the train broke down, but still she left-- good for her, it's hard to get away... and in her abscence., i realize that mystic that i know to be travel- and how distant she is to me... sara has made it to nyc, despite the weather, and i am here, recovering from my own journey.

this last week, i left the restaurant for connecticut..

My grandmother (ne-ne) died on sunday and so on thursday am i left in a snow storm for stonington/westerly/pawcatuck.. in many ways the event was a miricle. I have not been to her home in 6 years, and I have not left vermont since july- and in fact, i have not traveled on my own (without accompaniment) since 2008-- since before moses (he will be ten this year)- so just getting in the car on my own was a big deal.. I brought water, vermont ginseng, and npr-- and talked with friends i havent spoken with in a long time.. i was anxious when i left- raina had had brain surgery on sunday too, and i hadnt heard from her family since then--so i left vermont wondering what i would come back to-

the trip was intense- a typical protestant funeral with all of the fixings- and the first funeral i have been to since my grandfathers when i was 14. I loved seeing my family again- loved seeing my sister in this element, loved reconnecting with members that i have held in the memory section of my brain (fixed and steady-but kind of fictionary)- and i loved being away-- but at the same time, it was so intense-- intense to see parts of the family that have changed-- as well as those that have not-- i am rambling now- and not really saying what i mean.

i loved seeing my cousins-- i realize now that cousins are like extended siblings- i love them like siblings, but have more autonomy with them-- and the same for uncles and aunts-- they are like parents (they were like that when i was a kid), and yet like strangers too..

i came back to vermont with a car full of fish, and a desire to cary the experiance full circle, and i returned to the restaurant with a sort of tender open longing to know what to do-- and still doing what i know-- i served eggs bene ontop of ne-ne's favorite stuffed scallops, and finnan haddie omelettes- and i talked about her all weekend long-- and then i looked around and wondered-- what is this space? where am I? what is this life?-- maybe standing next to an open cascket will do that to a person- or maybe it was seeing the house i grew up in (where i first ever made mac n cheee on my own at age 7-- and where my parents got married and i saw my mom turn a watermellon into a swan-- and where i first ever drank too much champagne---) the house i walked to when i broke my collar bone- the first door i ever unlocked; the place where many of my first memories come from--

yes- i grew up on a street of white houses-- yet mine was golden stucko---so it is..

i want so badly to have the words to describe

the longing

to fit in

my desire

to ease gracefully

into a sort of success i imagined

there.

i want to know how to

tell

about how i have missed

those days

learning how to be

free-

when i was taught how to swim on the beach in stonnington,

to tie the knots for the lobster traps in the tv room,

when I grew up and you all watched-

i am here now remembering

and longing

to express

my thanks and appreciation-
can my work be enough?

2009-02-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

its february-

in vermont

and if you dont know what that means..

let me describe it=(its the opposite of this picture.)

dodgy weather

cold, white. fearful people

ice mounds and icicles. and ice blocks, and frost heaves..

but also it is a time for

buying seeds, planning gardens.

starting the network for new projects, and taking good care of ourselves...

just amidst the february frost and depletion of sunlight and money....

alright- if you live in vermont you probubley expect to get through february by existing in a certain state of denial-- i appreciate that-- but i also believe in collective conciousness= so= while the rest of the country (world) is bracing itself for economic and energetic negativity, we in vermont IN FEBRUARY already KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS>.. and we DO IT EVERY YEAR! we base our business on it- we organize around it, we try to make peace with it, we try to deny it, and we eventually, we GET THROUGH IT...

i was ready to do what needed to be done this winter.. i moved into a warm and spacious apartment with my best friend and lovey and put my nose down to focus on spring-- i mean, it happens too quickly anyway- so i thought, i will focus on spring all winter and be in winter, but be focusing on spring and i will SURVIVE and be ready when it happens (because, if you live in vermont, hardly ANYONE is ready for spring when it happens--- it just sort of sneaks up and grabs you and starts dripping like a cold, but WAYYYY BETTER)-- but what has Actually happening, is that i have been consumed by the waiting-- i have taken too much on for summer, and already my summer is booked! i am so excited for spring yet now- the only way i am really present in winter is be being exhausted... i pass out each night and awake feeling sleepless, i am edgy, but kind of stodgy, and i am quick to jump but slow to move....

wow..

what will happen when spring does come? will i come too? will the early morning frighten or excite me? i wanted to emerge like a flowing river, like a dove from a cage, like a dandelion from the soil--but maybe i will actually explode like a flood.... or a volcano..or....... a jackpot roll on the king slots in Vegas?????

who knows..

what we do know is that i have been edgy... and jumpy and then suddenly silent.. like the sap that slightly moves in the maple tree veins... (we all need it to flow, but cant make it happen... just have to wait and appreciate...)

i am like a song that wants to be written..

a hunk of tough meat wanting to be braised..

i question that wants to be answered..

a mistake that wants to be fixed..

i am like a bird feeder without the birds...waiting

i am like a memory within a memory within a poem

i am like you

and you

and i am as if i am

lost

but knowing

making it up as i go

tasting like a hound dog

the grounds before i enter..

but i am also like the souffle that doesn't rise-

disappointed and confused

let down

but still hopeful... (i am only eggs).

And then

i am again

like i was that night in Montreal

thinking of my grandmother

my fathers

my mother

and her lobsters

my lovers

my children

my dreams

and .........

here.

a fight that wants to end in a kiss

2008-11-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

this time last year, i was in montreal, in a snow storm, on the top floor of a fancy hotel downtown, with Raina and Alanna, and feeling so thankful to have gotten out of the states.. I needed a break, i needed to be away, i needed that... Now today, I am the one with a 20 lb turkey in my bathtub- alanna is at home with her children, and raina--well, i think she may be in love.. i have a new house now and I am SO thankful for that. I am loving my children, and although we wont all be together on the actual day, i feel like we've been doing alot of thanks giving... we've had one day each week be pajama day- where we dont take off our pajama's all day and just read and play and eat... it's lots of fun, i've gained some weight back, and we are all really enjoying eachother..

the dishwasher lives here now, which I LOVE- and this week we got the internet (in our house) for the first time in a year and 1/2! I am so thankful to be connected to the world and to be able to be home too at the same time... i am so thankful for warmth and that heat is included in my rent- and that i can walk to work everyday... I love that my car is working and that moses can read and is teaching fela how to read too!

I am happy- and on the inside, where it counts!

then this

2008-10-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

my dad sent me an email last week asking me to call him..

maybe something most people get every now and again, but for me, this was a first..

i really only talk on the phone with my dad randomly, or on special occasions, so i saw the email, and knew i had to call him right away- and did (event though it was only 6 am his time..)

just got off the phone with him- we've called each other a few times this week, and tonight spoke again.... my dad has decided to leave my mom, which has actually been exciting and encouraging for me except that i worry about how my mom is handling this, and feel guilty for wishing anything but the American suburban fantasy for them..

spoke with my dad tonight--he is amazing (and human still--) and told me about his newest project- which is why i am writing at all [(and to let you know too- my dad (officially my step dad, but the only dad i know), is an English professor and whom encouraged me the most to write at all- ever)], so (and yes, my punctuation still sucks because i always had him to fix it for me)he told me about his students and how, inspired by the recent political situation, he had them re-write the Declaration of Independence in modern terminology--!

I am so excited by this and cant wait to post what they wrote (with their permission of course)..

and then i think- what about that anyway? the Declaration of Independence? here is my dad leaving my mom after 25 years, here is the country contemplating leaving the bush administration after 8 years, and here am i figuring out how (still) to leave my past behind me..

yes..

i look forward to seeing what they say.. don't you?

interrogatories

2008-10-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

i want to tell you all about it-
but i am warmed and nurtured with chicken soup and kale and feel all warm inside-- too warm to visit the cold harshness of what i actually wanted to write about..

i am in it-- that's all i'll say..
each day waking up to the reality of THIS LiFe- THIS BODY- THESE CHILDREN- THIS FINANCIAL SITUATION..
ans all around me EVERYONE is feeling it..
even touching on writing about it makes me feel off..

interrogatories..

before 2 weeks ago, i didnt event know what that word meant, let alone how to say it.. if you too have been served with these (like you who i have just served too..)--get help and really look at whos helping you..

in a war?

me too...
i have no appetite- each day feels full with muck-- and i am scared..

but of what?
and who?
and when does it all sort out?

same day/ new life

2008-09-23T19:39:00.001-07:00

i am thirty one.

but i remember 9 so clearly..

9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 20....

last night i went to bed bleeding, with cramps and with a belly full of polenta and braised pork and a mindful of ... me.

the seasons are changing-but am i?? i see change all around me, children are getting older (fela four and 1/2 moses nine!), kismet is nearly 2 and i have moved into a new home.. damian and i went to court (which was really big and scary for all of us), and now winter is coming again.. ok, everyone knows what that means--more darkness=holidays="winter weather"..but here in vermont we know it like how i imagine folks in alaska and greenland and russia and gerany knowing it... to us-here in vermont- it means that we better get all we can and do our best before february, because february is brutal and when we say brutal, we mean it.. carrots rotting in the basement, fuel at 5 $ a gallon, long darkness, snowy icy roads, and... tourists all happy and joy full for the same snow that we are only just barely surviving...

ok, ok, it's only September, but already it feels like winter did in california or new zealand.. and i cant help but feel overwhelmed, because we are only just starting..

one of the first projects sara (the dishwasher) and i did when we moved in (after arranging the kitchen and bathroom) was arrange a lit space for the children in our new yard.. for those in common suburbia this may be common place, but for us on barre street (aka the barrio), it is a luxury that needed celebrating.. yes, we live in Vermont- perhaps one of the greatest places to raise children, but we are still poor-- i am still a single mother, and no matter what-- we dont seem to get enough time outside-- so this lit space means so much for me.. my children can go to sleep looking at it from the window and go to sleep wanting to go there in the morning knowing that it is safe, and i can (even if i am working) look out the window and see it and know that festivity is there---there somewhere..

same day..

new life.

i am inlove still.

like i have said before.

i am

my own

and am learning what that means.

i am

waiting for ease

joy

and prosperity

but for now i have this

ease,

these joys

this prosperity..

same day-new life

i love love; i fear fear

2008-07-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

love is ripe now-- it always seems to be this time of year- and yet its always so new and fresh and bitter sour and yummy all at once..

well-

yes, for those of you who have been following, i did turn thirty-ONE a couple of weeks ago and now it seems like suddenley im older in a sort of way that is both releaving and teriffying all at once..

i talked to my theripist today for along time,

but the thing that has stuck with me after nearly two and 1/2 hours, is my relationship to myself and, well my higher self and god..

it's funny to say that and write it, but nothing but honest and real to feal it..

(let me speak truth and my story through my expression of my life- please. LET ME- and i say this now to all of the absolutel ones who will never read this and also speak to the absolutely true and real ones who so ever read this that LIFE IS CRAZY and yes,

bizarre and yes, \

we are all the same and yes............................ and blah blah blah,,,,)

looking back (as most do on their birthday,) , i see so many pure and misread intentions and it's so frustrating..and inspiring to try harder
i want to be seen

i want to be loved

i want to be successful

i want to use the energy of the universe

i want to give

i want to radiate

i love so well, i just want to enjoy that--no matter what.

i want balance

i want music

i want to dance

hello

again.

remember me?

i am you..

i am here, where are you

2008-06-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

i wrote something great a minute ago-- its gone now...
love the internet..and hate it too.. or at least my expectation of it being easy..
i am here..
where are you..
this is my constant conversation with myself..
i am here..
31 now.
in love now.
scared of doing anything that could take it away.
single mom now.
getting to know myself
making my dreams come true
waking up more and more each day
to the realism
of
THIS.

happy birthday raina..
happy birthday grandma
happybirthday ket, moses, and
ME..

i love you like this..

2008-02-16T14:41:00.000-08:00

we closed the restaurant
on february first, and i have risen everyday since very much aware of the many t hings i want and need to tend to before we re-open. some of the things are very purposeful and mundane; new passport, oil change, clean out the fridge, rennovate and paint kismet.. then there are the things i need to to because if i dont i'll feel like a looser, like write to my grandmother, and talk to my parents... then there is this other list of things--like BE PRESENT WITH RAINA, and MEET THE DISHWASHER'S FAMILY, and MAKE PEACE WITH DAMIAN....
so far i've attempted everything on the list..
spent last friday wiyth raina, sent the kids with her parents, fantasized about her birthday party, wobserved her hair growth, cooked and amazing meal, and talked until 2 in the morning.. talked about life and living through our chakras, and about pleasure and pain and giving eachother little bits of insight into old stories and saying the things we may have left out before...
more soon...

a new day

2008-01-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

like the millions of children who yearn for and dream about christmas, I have anticipated this day with wonder and excitement...

Today we closed kismet at our usual time, but with unusual joy..it was busy today, and again we were short staffed, but instead of the monotonous chores of dishes, vacuming, and prep-work, alanna, the dishwasher, and I emptied out the fridges, made 9 (very large) doggy-bags, and turned off the fridges... With the sign on the door, and the till in my case, we closed up shop for the next 29 days (thank-you leap year)..

Even though we already celebrated our first year (only a month ago), and new year's has come and gone, I feel like it's only now that i am perched on the eve of a new year- and instead of one blissful anxiety-ridden night, I get 29 days and nights full of opportunity to manifest my visions for the next year...

what do i see?
first off--organization.. no more running through the streets trying to be 2 places at once..

i'm going to rest more and not feel guilty about it..

accept my success and live in it, rather than feel like i'm starving while stuffing my face with the occasional feast..

work hard and take care of business, while also making more time to travel to see my family, make art, and nourish myself with joyful time with my friends and children..

be prosperious, by settling old debts (owed and owed to me), letting go of the tug-of war rope that pulls but does not give..

you see; i've made this very ambitious to-do list (i'm even thinking of schedualing the whole month so I wont leave anything out), and for the last month, i have been using it as my mantra so that i can stay focussed and get all of this done- I can only imagine what that sounds like- i mean, i work really hard; then I have a month off and I'm going to plan all sorts of deep deep work so that i wont feel guilty if I just lay in bed and read all month?!! but honestly-- looking ahead a little bit, i would have reason to feel guilty-- this last year has been so incredibley intense that many parts of MY LIFE (outside of kismet) have been on hold.. I am thankful for the restaurant and the daily miracles that happen there (almost like splitting loaves for the many), and I owe my current clarity to the constant work that i do there, but it also takes up so much of my time-and will again as soon as we re-open.. so, for the next 29 days....it's all about me......

SO.................

here comes february-the coldest month-the least predictible month-

the month of mardigras and murder -the month of love and dissapointment

the first month in 2 years that is entirely mine...

opening up

2008-01-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

dreamt last night that it was spring.. it was febuary and there was snow still, but there were flowers and we were all so excited..
slept last night at the dishwasher's house- warm and cozy, quiet and still- walked out into the snow to start my car, then back in to floss, brush, and groom. usually i begin the day with an obnoxious sort of haste that usually involves forgetting, dropping, or breaking something- and usually i'm frustrated that i'm still late no matter what i do- this morning i sat on the toilet for a while clipping my nails, flossing my teeth with great detail, and even taking a moment to just sit and let myself wake up a bit. I got into my car- all warmed up and defrosted, and drove out of the driveway feeling present and thankful to be awake up with the sun coming up on a country road in the silence of a vermont winter morning. Suddenly, and with the same amount of intensity that is usually felt by my anxiety of being late, i was filled with thoughts of my friend stefi jo. It was like in that moment i was truly present with her for the first time in...years????
as i write this, i feel like im gazing back to this morning with a sort of love-struck look on my face- like saying, "awe, that sounds so nice..." because, honestly, the rest of this day has been hard and challenging in ways that are hard to describe... I felt worried about the food at the restaurant. I cooked with a sort of insecurity that i havent had in a while- everywhere i looked, i just saw more things that needed to be done- and felt like every task i attempted only unfolded three more tasks needing to be sorted out. Fela has two different shoes at school-Moses had a hard day at school- taxes are due tomorrow- the oven needed a #50 part but had to be delivered by a service man who charged $200 for the delivery- the tamari spilt all over the fridge- we ran out of coffee- and the dishwasher said something that triggered some old, well protected wound i had and i went spiraling into a little hurricane of fear, resentment, and doubt... i opened a bag of chips to snack on, and spilt them on the ground, went to put them in the garbage and the garbage was overflowing- infact every corner of my home is overflowing- the laundry needs to be folded, the sink is full of dishes, the floor is muddy- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

want to run
want to run and forget even trying to get a handle on anything-
i feel like poo
i feel ineffective
i feel difficult
am i making things worse?
blah blah blah..
wish i were more..

but now, this too has passed, and i'm writing (listening to the dishwasher sing in the kitchen--she's so talented), looking back at that part of my day with furrowed brows and thinking-"ahh, yes, that again.. I'll do better tomorrow". and now... now i am here again.
when the dishwasher made the plan for the evening (cook dinner, have a beer, clean the house) i asked, "what should I do?" she told me to go write in my blog... i didn't even really feel like i needed or wanted to, and somehow it's been the exact thing that has brought me into this moment.
I am working so hard to be my best- working so hard to try to figure out all of the pieces, and untangle the messes that i am hung up on- Working so hard to be honest and to speak my truth and to be brave and unselfish, and to take responsibility for my own mistakes. like toning and working young muscles, or doing yoga, i am practicing new ways of patience. I watch myself poach eggs and spread butter repetitively, and feel like i'm witnessing a miracle.. i've never been very good at repetition before.. repetition or predictability- and then, here i am, day after day, doing the same motions, yearning to learn the cycle of my restaurant, the habits of my customers, the secret to perfect cookies, broth, or crepe batter, slowly evolving with each repetition. and all the while i'm just here, doing nothing really very huge or special (the foods good, the colors are nice, but it is still just breakfast), but at the same time i'm slowly, gently, quietly, growing. hidden down here- barre street is out of the way i guess- in this little room with three or four other women, i am each day waking up, and beginning again..

so it's not spring today--and i want it so bad-
but i can wait, because it's coming soon-- i know this for sure-
and i didnt solve any big mysteries or get much insight into how all this is going to turn out,
but did nothing bad either..
no regrets today.
and i did look closely at my fear and walked right into it and right out the other side. and now dinner is ready, and with love and adoration, the dishwasher has cooked me a yummy dinner, and now its ready..
now.

2008-01-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

sometimes things are eerie..
i havent been able to hear out of my right ear since october..
i stopped eating dairy for a month and have gone to the doctor, tried a few antibiotics, tried the hot onion, garlic and mullen oil, olive and garlic oil, and tried hot and cold compresses, .. ive dug through my deeper thoughts and emotions trying to discover the truths ive not been wanting to "hear"-and ive listened intently and searched patiently for the hidden meanings of each conversation-ive heard my own voice trapped inside my head and gotten used to it-- like being near sighted, having narrow hearing has it's benefits--
sure, i can put glasses on when i want to drive- and i can focus on my hands when i dont want to be distracted by the goings on twenty feet away. I appreciate things close at hand- and am distracted by things in the distance-
my new mantra, perhaps?

appreciate

things close at hand

and

am distracted

things

in the distance.

this moment-

the best indeed.... and yet impossible to enjoy while holding thoughts of the present or the past..

my voice- so valid and real-

worth hearing..

i am am worth hearing...

there's a part of me that sees this medical dilemma (it is a bit worrisome that i cant hear out of my right ear) as a gift- i can hear myself and also feel trapped within me. Which are both good things- there was a long while that i didnt really listen to myself- and to feel trapped is the exact sensation i had stopped myself from feeling before- i held myself back from feeling alot of things--except anxiety- (anxiety always finds me when i'm most vulnerable..) i am seeing now that feeling trapped is exactly what gives me anxiety... and if i'm not letting myself feel the sensations of truly knowing the difference between living a free life and living as a prisoner- how how will i ever really be free? i have to feel these things out...out of the darkness.. out of fear.... out of poverty.... out of insecurity.... out of weaknesses.... out of disease.... out of exhaustion.... have to feel my way into the light, loving, rich, strong, healthy, rested, state of being myself.

going home

2008-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

staring at the the blank screen..
keep erasing what ive written in hopes that the next line will come out more clearly..
after doing my thing this morning (my thing comprised of running to meet the produce delivery van at kismet, cleaning, sorting toys, and showering) i got an idea that i wanted to have an adventure... i wanted to go to my home town- it is only 20 miles or so from where i live now, but 45 minutes totally out of the way and since none of my family live there now, it is like a living photo album of other times in my life, an album i rarely reach for, but am aware of..
I got fela into the car, asked the dishwasher to come along, and drove the roads with a sort of knowing i rarely have.. my family moved a lot, we only lived in vermont for 8 years before moving to mississippi when i was 13 (on my birthday actually..), but i did return here when i was 2 years clean and returning from new zealand. I have been here as a child, but also as myself- completely unattached to anywhere or anyone else.. Ive seen these roads from my bus window as a school kid, as an adolescent with my parents on the way to softball practice, and also with myself as a 20 year old single woman looking for home and god and the meaning of life... Ive driven these roads pregnant, and with a screaming infant too. Ive driven these roads with plans to build a house, lumber, concrete, and screws. Ive driven these roads with plans to metamorphoses, to start again, to begin a new... Ive driven these roads with only a few though.. and today i drive them with a different purpose (undefinable but part of a sincere and relevant process)-aware that it will be a while before i come here again.
We turn onto my road..
there is a lot of snow that hasnt been plowed, and im scared of going into a ditch... I want to tell the dishwasher everything- about the Brooke that you cant see but that lays just on the other side of the road, want to get her to see what i see- my sister and i sledding down these hills- us walking around those ponds looking for mint and salamanders-
then i go further.. I hadnt planned on going to my house (it's on a dead end and i didnt want to be too obvious, the "new" tenants have been very kind to me in the past, but i dont want to be annoying), but then i saw that there were no tire tracks in the snow in their driveway. I pointed the car in the direction of the house and see that 1/2 of it was nearly burnt down..
there had been a fire..
i pause, then i drove the rest of the driveway and tried to point out all of my sacred special places to the dishwasher who was listening and looking with sincere and actual interest. It was weird.. there was a part of me that was needing to see that no one was there, that the house was empty and uninhabited at the moment.. I needed to go there, and feel free to go there- and as long as no one is there, i can accept whatever changes have happened over time, but it is still MY HOUSE..
i am writing all of this wishing that i could tell you more than what actually was happening on the outside.. i want to tell you the inside stuff-- make all the connections for you/me. It's so hard though...
The dishwasher's birthday is the day after tomorrow.. i promised myself as a gift.. not in the sexual sense- but in the ultimate HERE sense- like--for your birthday i will pay respect to your birth and GIVE YOU ME... so....who is me?
look!
there i am in the hills of east corinth- still walking out to the pond for a day in the water- still lifting the picture of my dad to the sky- still marveling over the different colors of the apples in the orchard- still resting and reading beneath that pine tree-
oh- and here i am
searching for my home
looking for a place that is my own
driving these roads looking for answers
scared of getting stuck
listening to and wanting your stories
aware of time
lost
and
found.
oh! and here I am..
trying to define it..
trying to encapsulate it in words.
and here
over here
i am- feeling my heart beating so fast as i turn my car and look at this house that once was mine and then was gone and now is empty- my heart is happy that it is mine again in this moment... my heart says that maybe in the spring i'll bring you back here and we'll walk these hills and i can be here again..because when i am here-then it is all real again-----i am real again---

it's a new year, but it's still winter..

2008-01-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

been using this time to watch myself real quietly.. i see my growth because it feels so slow now- like the deep deep roots of trees and the hybernating creatures.. i have slowed wayyyyy down.. I sleep 9 hours a night these days.. i read and write more.. i take long hot showers and think about the water-where it comes from, where it's going.. I look at mybody cautiously now- feel like i only get to see it in glimpses these days because i have to where so many layers.. and when i look at myself, i look deeply- i look with wonder..
weird hunger today- craving dairy and cheese and whipped cread, even though my body is full of mucus and phlegm- tried to eat tofu and winter squash but felt like i needed coffee afterwords to wake and revive what was left of myself after digesting that small meal..
took a nap today- wanted to sleep more...
bought a steak but feeling so un-inthused..
i have so much work to do..it scares me to think of how i could just let time go by and nothing... what will i do about my sons?> each one represents this separate project that needs tending too..and my business, and my book?
and what about me?? waiting for someone to come in and take care of it all for me- feed me something hearty and big and let me go to sleep for two months for me to wake and find it all taken care of--the bills payed, the children healthy and nearby, the trees green, the birds nesting again....

chewing chorizo

2007-12-31T07:28:00.000-08:00

i enjoy a day that has at least one moment for simple food with clear flavors. hot gingery miso with wilted spinach, super rare thin sliced steak, brown rice, and a pinch of cayenne. Besides that chorizo i chewed on in the car on my way to get moses, it's all i had yesterday.. but it was all i needed- i went to bed thinking of that soup- and today too. went to bed thinking about alot of things actually-
like how big this time feels-about this new year coming- like this year that has passed.. i came into this year absolutely exhausted and was asleep on a concrete floor as friends around me counted down.. i feel like i have been dreaming all year, actually- trying so hard to manage everything while still realizing and trrying to meet my own needs.. there have been times this year when i thought i would go crazy with exhaustion- pushing myself to appreciate the littlest moments of joy that would suprise me and trying to flow through and work with the many moments that scared me. I am a single mother now.. i turned thirty this year..one of my best friends was diagnosed with brain cancer this year..i fell in love this year. i opened a business this year. i've worked nearly 3000 hours this year and served over 8000 meals.. i became an author this year...moved into my own apartment (my second ever..), and had $10,000 stolen this year.
wonder what this next year will have instore for me.. i want a home of my own- with a door on my bedroom- i want to be sourrounded by my success and celebrate the successess of my hard working and talented friends. i want music and good food, candles, and warmth. i want honesty and connection, peace and inspiration, and prosperity like good health and a full bank account. I want to work hard, and be met by others. I want time to slow down just a little bit so i can grab a moment to write more, see my friends more, and cook more, make love more, and travel to see my parents, sister, distant friends, and my grandmother more..

french onion soup

2007-11-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

There are only a few things that i feel really good at. Cooking is one of them (and moving-i've done that alot), and sometimes it feels like the only thing i know how to do. I'm most comfortable working with food- and though i love driving, talking, and writing, it has been noted that these are not my most respected talents. I get to know people by what they love to eat- i mark moments with memories of meals- like raina the first time i ever made papooses in her little kitchen in burlington (she was so excited and so full of praise and enjoyment and she ate with concentrated pleasure), and my sister that time out on the hill that i forced her to eat a mock "chicken patty" and watched her take little bites while hiding her displeasure. (we argued the day by the camp fire, and i can remember everything about that moment, -even the mock patty, unfortunately). Today, while preparing huevos rancheros to share with the dishwasher, I realized that there are few meals that i've cooked purely for my own pleasure. Sure, I have my favorites- rare steak sliced really thin with salad and raw blue cheese; dumpling soup with miso, ginger and hot sesame oil; avocado salad with rare seared tuna; and french onion soup. I've thought before about it; when i am cooking for someone else, it's like reaching out to them- like saying "here, this is for you" and at the same time saying "thank you for this opportunity to connect with you"- what i get out of it is often abstract- i love working with food, i love being inspires, i love the chemistry of it all. Then there are times i have to cook for myself. I get hungry too- and when I cook for myself, I do so with a different kind of intimacy. It's like everything else gets kind of quiet, rather than tuning into what I know about food, or about the person I am cooking for, I turn inwards, and watch myself cook with a softness and ease that I have witnessed before. I know how to make soup, how to chop onions, how to smash garlic, i know how much garlic i like, i know how to tell how strong it is by how much oil is on the knife when i smash it, i know how much i like to eat, how much i can put on my plate and not ruin my taste for food completely. And I know what I like. I remember begging my mother to make eggplant parmigiana- it was my favorite, and I've always loved a juicy steak with salt and pepper (i did miss it during those vegan years though), and warm chocolate chip cookies (I LOVE THOSE!). During all of my different diet changes, I would always go through my favorite dishes first and try to re-create it with whatever limitations i was dealing with. Gluten free, vegan, whatever.. And I would do this FOR ME... French onion soup.. I have about 10 favorite versions of this one. When I was pregnant with fela I yearned for it and made my "quick version" often. Consisting of shitake mushroom broth, dark miso, and lots of balsamic caramelized onions, I would eat bowl fulls with home-made gluten free croutons topped with chevre. When I had more time I would prepare beef broth, caramelized red and white and gold onions, and bake individual bowls of the soup in the oven with toasted french spelt bread and an assortment of spicy red pepper sheep cheese, and goat's brie. I would bring these bowls to the oven and feel so excited and nurtured by just the aromas- then look at my partner and older child and see their ambivalent faces.. I dared not ask why, and let myself enjoy bowl after bowl...Finally, after years of this, damian admitted he didn't actually like french onion soup, and I subconsciously stopped making it all together...
Then we split up. I've done all this "work" to "move on" and try to put my life back together in some sort of way that feels something like a reflection of myself.. I began letting myself enjoy my own space, taking responsibility for the lack of contents in my fridge (for a cook, it is shockingly bare), and make my own schedule. Often, i dont even eat dinner- and it's liberating to not HAVE to cook for someone who depends on me to cook so much.. I allow myself simple meals, and often cook dishes that I want.
The first time I made french onion soup in my new apartment, I was thinking of my friend raina, who was in her 4th week of radiation. I used an organic beef bone and made a three day slow stock with coffee, red wine, beer, garlic, and salt from the Sahara desert. I wanted to make the stock really deep and dark, and full of marrow. I added several tablespoons of butter, and a sprig of thyme, and 4 whole onions as well as sever big cupfuls of caramelized onions. I went to burlington to see her, and left a jarful in her fridge, but could tell by the look on her face that she was a little overwhelmed (i brought mellow and comforting chicken broth the next week instead).. When I returned home I was upset and emotional about my having to leave her. i hadn't showered in 2 days, was still wearing my work clothes., and was exhausted. I let myself into my apartment and was greeted by the aromatic smells wafting out of the crockpot in my kitchen. I had left the soup on by accident in the crockpot, and my 3 day broth had turned into 4 day broth- Turned the broiler on, ladled some soup into a bowl, and when the dishwasher arrived, we sat to 2 bowls full of the best french onion soup ever topped with toasted french bread, blue cheese, and sharp vermont cheddar. I was enjoying the soup so much I just nodded when the dishwasher gave praises. Then she got another bowl.
-it was so unexpected. I mean, I know that we're all always looking for things like this, little signs that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, as if faith alone isnt enough, but when we get the signs it's so tempting to rejoice over them- forgetting all the other times we've been let down or have gone astray.... No one has ever loved french onion soup the way i do except my mother.. i dont even try to make it for friends anymore...except the dishwasher. I love that she loves it, it's so good- i love making the stock and watching the marrow dissolve out of the bone, i love tasting the stock every now and again and noting how the flavor changes, i love experimenting with different cheeses on top..tonight i make it again, hoping it will heal words spoken earlier, or my wordless exit- or the 12 hours she will work today singing another woman's vision. I want it to nurture us both, and know it will, and in the morning i will go my way and she will go hers.. i'm putting alot of faith into this soup right now- i want it for me, and i need it for me- and hopefully she'll sip it and taste that to- and maybe keep abit for herself. We all just want to be loved-dont we?
my horoscope says that i have to do work in the romantic loving department.. i didnt read relationships for dummies, but would the author approve of my french onion soup approach, because there are really only a few things i am really good at.

serve me as i serve you

2007-11-21T22:11:00.001-08:00

in my restaurant it is a goal of mine to serve others as i would want to be served.. in my relationships it is the same...hard work deserves a mention. and deserves consistant followup--thats why its hard... am i alone here? i dont think so.

2007-11-21T21:54:00.001-08:00

thought for a minute i could have it all.. maybe i could have all of my dreams come true at once..
utopia.
enlightenmnet.
joy.
any of those would do.
they all felt real.
now its 1 am and everone is alsleep. my phone is dead. roomservice is lame (can i cancel my order?) my bath is too hot. but i am clear (2 cocktails is not enough to phase me).
9 stories up watching it snow after 13 blocks of sleat and rain. where am i but here? not with her, just me, and a bath that is too hot.

thought we would treat ourselves to a day in montreal with food from the best places.. revisted zenya, good but not great (the tuna tartare was my fave and the avocado tempura roll slash shitake combo really really good). i wanted to keep going, wish we could have, wish it wasnt so late and i wasnt still hungry or didnt crave an adventure still.. but i still long to eat rare steak with a lover, bloddy juicy lips smiling--long for smokey mussels and tapas i will never remember the name of--want to go somehwere where the water glasses are always full and the the chef appreciates the perfection of applewood smoked salt and local organic produce- want to go from restaurant to restaurant where everyone just is so happy to serve me the most amazing food--and my dining partner is just as appreciative as i... is that too much to ask? at least could my roomservice arrive? my campanions are already asleep forgoing their fries and salad, and i am waiting for my chicken and bottled water (hotel sink water is really gross by the way), and i am alone in the bathroom thinking about all sorts of other places id like to be- like other worlds maybe- or in another body--and who am i to complain anyway? one of my best friends is asleep now after not sleeping for who knows how long after 6 weeks of chemo and radiation- ofter loosing all of her hair and facing brain cancer and steriods and brain surgery and single motherhood, and seizers, and , and, and..... here she is enjoying just a moment of sleep and all i can think about are the things i am missing (and yet secretly i am enjoying this misery....who am I here?)

can i get in my bath now? how many turkeys are in bathtubs right now thawing for their ineviatable fate awaiting them tomorrow? can i avoid roomservice (i've lost my appetite anyway)-what do i do if they knock on the door? can i not answer? i dont need factory chicken anyway.....

doin it with the dishwasher

2007-11-15T16:38:00.001-08:00

more to come

ill come runnin 2 see you again

2007-10-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

winter spring or fall
mygirl loves long walks at night, tequila, lime and polenta con ouvi.....and me.... she loves yellow and cobolt blue and water...
she is the medecine ive longed for for so long now..
groovy little thing that i love to hear...
put my heart in motion whenever she gets a notion..
yes, i'm inlove..
didint htinkit wold happen, and i feel so protective of it, like my love for sausage, and my love for nina simone, and my love for pickles and mustard...

grilled pork with salt and pepper

2007-09-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling undercurrents of anxiety for a while now---how long? i dont know, maybe since i was 9 or 10, maybe longer. I used to have these dreams with a man and a woman arguing, only they never raised their voices, it was like monotone arguments, and i couldnt understand their words. I remember my bedroom in corinth- i want to go there these days to revisit, stand in that room where all of this started, i remember my bed, my window looking across to the barn, the smells from the kitchen underneath. These dreams where very frequent, i even had them in college, and the voices were so familiar and so irritating, i would always wake in a sweat and feel so---anxious... the woman's voice drove me especially crazy- in my sleep, i would strain to understand her- but the words would all blend together- something about not being enough- dissapointment--letting go---and for some reason it was understood that they were talking about me..
lately i have been so rocked.
i havent had these dreams in a while, but i can hear the voices anyway. WHO am I? Crystal? that picture of me in the paper scared me last week because (though I SHOULD have felt pride) i looked at it and was frightened.. I felt so completely unattracted to myself.. THe days are flying by.. whre did september go? suddenly it is lindsay's birthday- usually sucha huge event for me- and i am working all day and scrambling to get there to just cook her something.. She has had candida for a month or two, and she and her daughter have been on super restricted diets- i once shred that space, and with hesitation I grab things to bring to cook for her. She eats meat now (recently in the last year) and so i grab the last of the country style ribs from the freezer. I grab hummus, a big bag of salad greens, and fela's concoction of tomatoes.. WE gather, laugh and i even shed tears privatly over te kitchen sink, and then it isnt until today that I realize that we never even sang her happy birthday, nor did she blow out candles... Maybe we were all avoiding cake, but come-on! we could have at least brought a candle! and then I think, ok tomorrow I will bring a candle, and then I wonder, HOW? WHEN? each day is so overwhelmingly full and overflowing...
Today i talked alot about my frustrations.. Easy when it feels as big as it does now, and with blood so ready between my legs, and pain in my belly, i feel like i owe it to myself to indulge.. hearing my words today scared me.. she told me "have faith", and my reaction felt so huge and painful too.. "i do" i thought..more than you know.. Life seems like this huge and perpetual paradox right now..trusting me. lets look closer now,...

in my mind i wonder what i will make for breakfast for my boys.. will there be time for eggs? or will we skip it all together?
in my mind i am planning the morning, the week, the month, the year, the life ahead of me.. and within it i am pulled and pushed by the waves of anxiety and faith alike..
i crave meat now.. grilled pork chops with salt and pepper- i want a baked potato with loads of fresh butter and sea salt. I crave togetherness like i've had before--why does cooking food for one seem so much less apealing than cooking for others?
i fear seeming needy-and yet we're all needy -that's real..

stuffed tomatoes and bacon

2007-09-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

laying in bed this morning thinking about it= ive worked nearly 75 hours this week, ive ehardly seem ,my children, amd i'm hungry- reallt really hungry. i thought asbout rare burgers- lamb with yogurt, ripe melon, salad with avocado. i thought about cooking outside, i thought about all the picnincs ive ever had, and about all the ones i want to have. im hungry for the ocean, i'm hungrey for soft kisses and strawberries with fresh morning swim. I'm hungry for salty ceaser salad, hungry for my mom, for her back deck, for the metal scu;ptures my dad grows. amd i'm hungry hungry for the woods- for the trees the colored leaves on the ground- for the smoke from a fire. I'm hungry for a wool blanket wrapped around me- hungry for my girl- for our one-day- for the home that she will fill with music and i will fill with the smells of garlic and exotic worldly spices ive not even heard of yet.. i'm hungry-and so tired and so pulled by thoughts of bacon in the fridge downstairs- and so i pull myself out and in and up and over to the table to let juicy tomatoes fill my mouth.

red lentils

2007-09-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

sundays at the restaurant are long and busy. Eggs benedict, crepes with braised chicken, pea sprouts and lemon cream, yogurt and granola..ham..bacon..smoked tempeh... Then suddenly we all pull it together and close up for the "weekend", and head home. Today I came home to my children and their insatiable hunger for me. I opened my fridge and, staring at the leftovers sitting in the fridge from last week's meals, wondered from which part of me i would create yet another meal.. Something comforting, something easy, something they would eat. I called them to the table and they each stared at their bowls with dissatisfied faces. Between forcing forkfuls of soft red lentils into their mouths I threaten to not give them dessert, and listen to their stories. Fela (he's three) tells me over and over again how "papa makes this at his house" and moses (he's eight) tells me with great annimation about his trip to lego land this summer and begs me to let him draw me a diagram of the rollercoasters he rode there. I half listen to both of them, i'm tire, and the red lentils feel like heavy down comforters wrapped around me, and i am fighting falling asleep. We finish and rush through 15 minutes of pajamas, teeth brushing, and negotiations about how many books we'll read, and i lay down to start with Brown Bear Brown Bear, mid-way through realizing that i'm much closer to sleep than they are. We finish our agreed readings and after kisses (many many many kisses) and glasses of water and more kisses, i shut off the light and find myself standing in the center of my kitchen staring at the stove. It looks like a place i've been before but remember being grander and feeling much more connected to. I notice that the wall above the sink looks lonely- sad and lonely- or is it me? Suddenly I'm opperating myself into the bathroom, noticing that we're out of toilet paper (i guess being the only woman in the house deams me responcible for keeping us stocked on this item), and i contemplate my new roomate. After nearly two years and the busiest summer i can remember, fin has returned to see moses. His poor planning and my new apartment have united and now my ex-husband fills my apartment with the smell of burnt salmon and sounds of australia. My toilet paper is gone and in my fridge (next to his left-over salmon jerky) is a bowl of red lentils and rice that i left for him.

just like tom thumb

2007-09-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

when youre down in the city and its autumn too, and your gravity fails, and your negativity dont pull you through:
dont put on any airs,
theres some hungry women down there...
i cannot move, and my fingers are all in a knot...
and my best friend...her doctor wont even say what it is that she's got...

i speak good english..

let's shake hands, just come to me real soon...we'll tke our voices and howl at the moon.,,,,..

on this hill.. not what they claim...

paradox

2007-09-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sitting thinking about this day…I’m ok..
Right.
Filo parcels and deals made concerning spanikopita, rabbit confit, and little sandwiches with heirloom tomatoes and what-not. Scrub dishes and sell 2$ cups of coffee.. Crepes with braised chicken and lemon infused cream, splashes of basil oil and the tiniest micro sprouts.. My life is so rich and full and gorgeous…at work I am like a little cages kitchen bird, safe behind the counter and my apron playing with food, finding fantastic colors and connecting simple flavors like a painter or like a musician- then as 3 oclock comes closer I anticipate the rest of my day and try to prepare myself for the outside world.. I am so comfortable in the kitchen, everyone and everything almost always comes together in harmony--outside I feel lost and small and like the fragile little girl I a have always been.. I come home and take stock of my fridge to cook the most important and intimate meal of the day- dinner for my family-- I stare at the items and grab the chorizo- little slice by little slice with big swallows of beer and two hours go by-- months have gone by-- big hard months- and I wonder how I ever used to feed myself.. I cook all day from this place of love and inspiration to connect and express myself to other people, then when I am alone, I stare at myself, looking, searching, feeling inlove and afraid at the same time- idont need anything, I think sometimes, and then suddenly I am so needy and feel like I have nothing…. I know these paradoxes, I ve lived between these boxes before.. Gemini.. Traveler… lover… warrior… mother…. They are all one and they all compete with each other at the same time… feel trapped.. Trapped by spanikopita and wilted salad greens and school lunches, and dinner, and black beans going bad in the fridge, and ex-partners, partners, neighbors, parents, expectations, devistations, and the constant hunger that rocks me.. I will rise tomorrow and make granola with rice milk and sprinkle on bee pollen and think about how it is possible to travel great big distances just for the queen… all for the queen.

i started today with toast and sausage for the others and with the fire alarm ringing, i woke everyone and hustled out the door.. moses missed his bus, fela couldn't find his shoes, and sara hid under the covers until we all left.. alexis was late for work so i brought the kids in and opened up- thinking, this is it, this is my life, i do this now.. and it was like the kids Knew that too.. I steamed some unsweetened soy0milk, made it all frothy and foamy, sprinkled on some cinnamon and just a drizzle of maple chocolate syrup and set them at a table while i made cofee and light of this bizzare morning.. and the thing is, is that every morning for the last 9 months has been bizzarre.. I dont even remember how the mornings used to be-- i would try and sleep asa much as i could, make breakfast for everyone and endure every-ones bad moods then send them out the door, or hide in bed as long as i could pretending not to be disturbed by their many tiny little dramas.. then my day would really begin after they had left and me and the baby would giggle and clean up after everyone and go for a big walk.. then when we opened kismet i used to get up at 4 am and go cook for the restaurant, ge back home and get everyone fed and dresse at 7 am and out the door to school, then i'd return to work to open... i'd leave alanna to scrub the floor at 4 or 5 and go home to cook dinner and fold laundrey and do homework and all of that.. I remember when spring came i was so hungry for a good dance and some good tequila and meal cooked by someone else that i felt like i could jump out of my skin.. started fantisizing about my own little life.. and now.. here it is.. the days still fly by and how different are things than before?

2007-09-03T19:29:00.001-07:00

settling down from three months of transition.. finding myself again..getting grounded.. wish i had the skills to type as fast as i think, to write about it all, put it all together.. since our last wedding i've been trying to collect myself.. august was terrible.. and wonderful. i fell in love again and then there was that tornado i got caught in.... grilled lots of lamb in august.. mint and basil and smoked paprika and lemon zest in august.. lots of yummy yummy love in august.. then there was the move.. i tried to paint my room as fast as i could and move in real quick like before MOSES came back and tried to be as present as a i could when my dad came... hadnt seen him in a year and wanted to feed him.. had fantasies of these amazing meals i would cook for him and how we would connect, but as it was i was so busy and even when he came into the restaurant he seemed out of place and i wanted to serve him but still dont know how.. and i was sooooo busy.. then he left in the middle of the night and though we had a great night out once when he was here it still felt so charged and scary thoughts kept coming like... when will we do this again... do you see me... and....all that..
since the last wedding ( a real big one) and all those 16 hour days, i have tried to put myself together and with as much patience i have, have tried to let the lightest parts of me shine.. i want to talk about this for a minute.. it is so easy to be negative. little words(ughhhh, damn it), looks (eyebrows up, eyes wide), gestures (slamming things), moments (discomfort). So, i came into work last week and decided that no matter what i would rise and be good to myself- and those around me.. each day i have been able to find something to be in love with, and though it feels so good, it also feels like i am tripping out on something dangerous... have i ever challenged myself this way before? soberly? and then its like all day i just watch myself.. chop basil, make salad with little peaks of red grated beets beneath crisp orange carrot.. i sprinkle on those roasted tamari sunflower seeds and just let the simple perfection of it resonate like a bell.. then i turn real quick, grab the next plate and top toast with chevre and hand churned butter with the freshest most local eggs perfectly poached and drizzle on my own hollendaise sauce and the right amount of black pepper. i throw on a scant few pea greens and send that out too ... bing...another bell.. i almost dont even care if anyone really likes it.. as long as enough people come in so i can keep going because i am making music for my self.... my self... how long have i waited for this? how long will i deny myself from more??? learning boundaries... learning how to stop.. how to eat..hoe to let it all come together.. god i love my life when i let myself love it...wanna reach out and grab onto these people around me and bleed my thanks into them.. then again its also so easy to be frustrated.. is this enough, am i enough, look at how exposed i am....

2007-08-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

so much of my life has been about food... food and love.. food and family... what about when things get tricky? food is scarce or family is broken.. I remember traveling in australia and being so freaked out by the food systems there.. yes there were big buckets of organic wild passion fruit and melons bigger than my big pregnant belly, but in the grocery store i was forced to navigate my through numbers and letters and ingredients so foreign.. I didnt want to eat there.. then there is now, when in my alone time i am so uninspired to eat.. i haven't gone grocery shopping for myself yet.. maybe ever. I've always had someone else to cook for.. my sister, my Friends, my partners.. maybe i opened kismet so that i could always have food around me and always be cooking for others.. lately i want to change the menu and make crazy cool dishes.. i want to wow everyone and feel myself holding back.. I want to make little tiny bowls of french onion soup and follow them up with little mini fillet Mignon and Bearnaise sauce and tiny green beans, then follow that with little chocolate spice cakes with maple ice cream with drizzles of maple caramel... i want to serve a million little tiny dishes.. and yet i know that in this small working town everyone just wants to get the best bargain for their money, they want to be fed, and yet feel like it is food that is only just beyond what they would get somewhere else and yet still compliments what they themselves would make.. I take so much pride in sourcing our ingredients, pride in my relationship with food.. and still i am so often doubtful....why... why am i always hungry for more.. will i ever settle in? I eat bison burgers with roasted garlic and seared onions and big bright piles of kale with just a bit of raw cheddar just so i might feel a little bit stronger.. i crave pudding and cake and chocolate.. i eat bacon with really ripe tomatoes...i crave deep true full real romantic partnership..i welcome momentary companionship and all of this heightens my awareness for the member gold pure honeys of life--like that that i saw flow from the hive in Mississippi, and that i knew once...right?? or did i?

love and food.. I want to find the connection for me..

I remember my first midwife saying that when my mouth was realized and open that my birth canal would be open too.. i wonder why.. why when we kiss does my heart rush like a water fall, and between my legs feel moist with wanting?? what about when we eat food with full appreciation and savor? Are we more open to the love of this earth? If we eat sweet salty oysters, slippery little spicy bits following, are we also gently opening..? Does good food inspire love? where does this put me?

we say goodbye

2007-07-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes saying yes is easy-
yes, i'll be there- yes, i can---but saying goodbye is always so hard- like taking big steps into the next unknown moment with a big raw open heart, i do this now... goodbye twenties--goodbye sunny day swimming in the pond--goodbye house in the woods--goodbye expectations-goodbye all sense of security... And with little weezy breaths i get pulled into each now as if i have no choice..time happens so fast now- seems like there are so many people I have lost touch with; if only i had known when we last were together- seems like there is so much still wide open and calling to me from my past, and yet the future too is all ablaze with the moaning of things to tend to.
When i left my partner of 4 years a few months ago i did so with fierce bravery and sureness.. I wanted the fights to end and didnt trust we could end them together..wanted so many things that i didnt trust i could get there.. not trusting, and trusting at the same time--trusting that leaving was the right thing to do- trust in knowing that the fights were too big, trust that things would be better...and they were.. and they are (?)(?)(?)...
right now i sit in the midst of flowers that are not mine, smelling smells that bring me back to places i long to visit agian- California as child with my grandmother and her quoy fish and ripe melons we would eat with dinner, California not so long ago-working so hard and being so hot with children in tow- but there was vanessa and sita to celebrate the joys with and dance with and cook fried beets with- new zealand and the many places i love there, the simple quinoa dinners adam and i would share in the garden, the asparagus and tahini-ginger dinners lindsay and i would giggle over, the bread i would bake at arahanui.. and mississippi too- all thick and full and deep and calling to me like a ghost. I know nothing but memories lay there, and yet i am there now too, 15 and alone on the streets looking for love and breathing in the smell of fried chicken and pork barbeque.. I am here longing as i've longed so many times before- not knowing still how to fullfill myself..i work with anxious rhythm, i love with unstoppable force and devotion, i sit, i walk, i read, and still i yearn for something that is always just beyond my reach..

forever i have wanted a restaurant..i have wanted to be published. i have wanted my own place in vermont. and now i have all of this and more..2 kids. fancy car with dark windows.. sunny summer days.. friends..health..and..........this..this deep deep feeling of fear.

i am right here, smelling the past as if it clings to my nose; writing to myself as if it could ease me, drinking beer and eating popcorn covered in sheeps cheese and pepper, breathing in smoke and roasting in the fire of my anxiety..i am waiting for someone and i hate that..when i know that it is me i am waiting for..

then..new day

so much stress..not feeling like i am enough.. missing my children and needing space at the same time.. fearing the future, unsettled with the past, angry at myself, in awe of myself, and not knowing how to communicate, ALL AT ONCE..

she says: "you are doing do much"

i say "yes, but nothing very well.."

she says : "yes you are doing well"

I say (with force and meaning) : " NO I'M NOT"

then...

like predicted

i stick the knife in deeper because it seems like i just cant even help myself..

emergancy room.

stupid hole in my hand from cutting an avocado...

wounds so real and here, in my hand...in my hand..

now i have something to work with, i suppose...something to focus on that really IS all about me..but pain is so liquid and overflows into everything..looking back i'm sure i'll see it more clearly.

chewing steak outside by the fire- i know that if i chew slowly it will bring me strength- i am so completely here i feel stuck sometimes, and though--where am I? three months ago i longed for space- a seperate life and privacy..now i have this dream and because i am dreaming i can't live it??

we said i love you

2007-07-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

as my thirtieth birthday came near (ok, it was still 3 months away) i began thinking alot about my life. Like everyone i've spoken to about it, it was like getting ready for a big transition- i couldn't stop thinking about my 20's, how they were over, and about the expectations i had been putting on myself about growing up.. Looking back, my twenties seemed so full- I got pregnant just three months after my 21st birthday to a new zealander after my first trip there, and spent the earlier part of my twenties coping and recovering from that. When I turned twenty five I made big changes- left the new zealander, became a single mother and moved back to new zealand leaving my home friends and family in vermont. After being in new zealand long enough to trully and really miss vermont, i returned and spent the next bit of time re-inventing myself. Who was I trying to be? where was I going? Just as i began i to contemplate the perplexities of my situation, accepting the discomfort of my really big mistakes, and at the same time enjoying my son and his little steps towards Independence, i went form one to another to another and conceived again-

this time with an artist who lead me to california to birth, and become mom again.

During this time of my mother dance, i couldn't help but feel urgency welling up inside of me. something was missing- something was missing- and when i looked, i realized--

it was me.

Again- big questions...who am I? what do I do? so busy with millions of little mundane tasks in a world of war and poverty, carrying my own wounds and worries, i rose with my children to my obligations to show them the light of the world. How long could i do this when my own light inside was muddled and distant?

With two children in tow i went to work finding myself...where was my passion? what was something I was really good at? What did i like to do? Seems funny now- but after nearly 6 years of taking care of other people's needs first, I felt so far from knowing my own self. I started reading- reading anything and everything- i went back to school, i started writing again, and then, I started watching myself making more room for me- slowly, haphazardly, and without organization, i started tearing little holes into the seams of the days to make ore time for things I really likes---picking flowers, reading cookbooks, going to the beach, drinking beer, watching cheesy romances, reading teenage fiction, making movies, dancing naked in the middle of the night in ly kitchen, and cooking with curioustiy and force. I indulged myself by meeting all the farmers at the farmers mrket and taking their experimental crops home with me to create new recipes, I found a bar that had organic beer and and a child friendly happy hour, I videotaped myself walking, driving, waching dishes, and dancing..When the choice came to return to vermont or stay in california, i painfully told my partner I had to go- that i couldn't stay there anymore- it was time for me to return to vermont and for me to take the next steps in rediscovering me. We returned- me with bright excitement and adoration, him with dark clouds of regret and anxiety. We faught crazy fights and threatened to hurt eachother, we invoked panic within eachother, and stirred eachother up in ways that would take years to mend. I would distract myself though- as i am so good at doing- from the death that was awaiting, by working on things that were mine..that little cookbook i started in california because I was bored and needing a creative outlet became a 100 page manuscript and when we would fight or things would get dark, i would reach for it and work on it, or force myself to send it our to yet another publisher. When the publisher responded i knew that i had created this little hole in my world into which i could slip into another. I knew that this was going to be my way out.. out of what? out of old patterns, out of the regret of having not finished anything before, out of my insecurity that i had no talent-out of my nothingness and into somethingness..For the next year finishing and editing that book was what kept me alive after each fight- and each fight pushed me further to finish, and at the same time I was just barely holding on- and felt so mush like I was just flinging myself out into shark laden waters- or an abyss of falure. I worked into the hours of the morning, made my children watch tv on sunny days so I could work, and made hotdogs and pasta salad a few too many times to ever really feel good about..Then I had an opportunity to buy a restaurant and so I took that on too- so that each time a fight arose or i started to sink into my who am i mode, I would just get up and start working harder. Pushing pushing pushing as if i was birthing and being born at the same time. The last three years have been a blur. And it was just a few months ago that (during a bout of pnemonia) i stopped pushing quite so hard and started to look around.. What of this would I want to do again? what of this do I regret? what do I really really want? Then, while rolling basil leaves and slicing them paper thin, the knife would go in slow motion, and the colors all illuminated, and like amber so clear and golden, i would hear my own voice asking for specific things... a penthouse in tokyo...a bath and a filet mignon and buttery potatos... to dance all night with lime on my lips..